Ever have a conversation that gets out of hand? Below is an actual conversation that I had with a pretty senior person* at work. For some context, I was following up with him on getting a contract signed for someone in his group. Not my group, his group. When I mentioned I was being harassed by the vendor to get it signed, he apparently didn't care and then things went downhill. Or depending on your point of view - into another realm of ridiculousness for which we might both be known for...
Me: You know this conversation is ridiculous, right? We’re on the same side…
Him: I'll join another side
Me: That’s ok, I’m not really into team spirit. I’m a lone wolf.
Him: Fine. We can start a wolf pack.
Me: I don’t want you in my wolf pack. We would fight over who was alpha wolf. I run alone
Him: Agreed. I'll be the alpha.
Me: You can’t be the alpha. You’re delicate. That doesn’t exactly scream alpha
Him: Confidence is a sign of an alpha
Me: Well I don’t want to be running behind my wolf leader and worried that he’s going to slip and break his delicate ankle. I’m starting my own pack. I will be alpha and Albert will be my 2IC
Him: Sounds like the lesser wolfpack
Me: Hardly, I have two in mine. You have one. And they’re delicate. I wouldn’t even bother fighting you myself, I’d just have Albert take you out
Him: I have 100 in mine already.
Me: Imaginary wolves don’t count.
Him: I also have Hulk Hogan
Me: He’s 61. That’s a winning team you’re building. I have The Rock.
Him: I have the Jonas Brothers and Bieber
Me: You should probably take Hansen while you’re at it. And your kPop girls
Him:OHHHH… Yes, and Girls Generation
Me: You might be good at what you do but you have no clue on how to build a wolf pack. As I envision it in my mind, you are all prancing and twirling down the street as wolves but dressed in ridiculous outfits. Bieber wolf has to stop and keep pulling up his pants, Hansen can’t say anything other than “MMmbop” and the Jonas brothers keep checking themselves out. All while their alpha wolf limps along delicately and gets distracted by k-pop wolves.
Him: You just can’t accept the truth that my wolf pack is better, stronger and more musically inclined than yours.
Me: Are you scared I’ll call you out by name? I’m totally writing this as a blog post.
Him: If you do I’ll sue you for slander and liable.
Me: See – this is why you are not the leader of a wolf pack. You would take it to court whereas we should probably just fight. But maybe you’re afraid…
Him: My wolfpack will also be better funded than your wolfpack. See how you now will need to subsidize my wolfpack?
Me: Wolves don’t need funds. They just need the occasional rabbit. God, you’re horrible at this. This is a great blog post.
Him: Rabbits are delicate
Me: Which is why wolves eat them. You should probably be the leader of a rabbit pack.
Him: Sad all your pathetic wolf pack can do is throw stones at the better wolf pack.
Me: We’re not throwing stones, we’re just gobbling up your rabbit pack. Wolves can’t throw stones.
Him: My wolves can. I have better wolves.
Then I just cut him off. You can't argue with someone who doesn't make sense. As of today, I am the leader of the wolf pack.
*Who would like to be known as my BFF but I will only let him be my work BFF and honestly that's not true either.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Wednesday, February 25, 2015
When Parties Get Out of Hand...That's University For You...
Dear Fire Department,
Sorry about all of this. It was an accident. Well, not so much an accident as some unclearly thought out actions and behaviors that seemed like a good idea at the time. It started off with one room mate dragging the couch out on to the deck so he could have a few beers in the sun on a Saturday afternoon. As I'm sure you can understand, beers and sun make you tired so it makes sense that he wouldn't want to get up and use the bathroom. Why wouldn't you just sit on a plastic shopping bag in the hopes that it would absorb whatever you released? And then why wouldn't you want to refine a design flaw, upon finding yourself sitting in your own pee, by attaching an external catheter*? Those catheters can fill up pretty quick when you're just drinking beer and the release valve is quite close to your leg so you probably want to refine it even further by removing the long hose from the dryer and releasing the valve into the hose so that it can drip off the deck. Probably want to patent the design at this point.
Let's face it, at this point, everything is starting to seem like a great idea - I'm sure you can understand that. And with great ideas, comes great crowds of friends all wanting to see the design and to hold your room mate to his promise of not leaving the couch until the beer runs out. Happened sooner than you would think. So with that out of the way, he got on with some weekend chores like mowing the lawns. I mean what good is a lawn mowing business if you can't take care of your own flat on the weekends. Just get that lawn mower up on the roof and turn it on. Not a lot of grass up there but seemed worth a look. After a while, who wouldn't want to get down? I fully condoned his idea of diving off to try and hit the wooden bed that someone had dragged out on to the concrete**. And then off we went to the hospital! But not without some on the spot triage from yours truly. Duct tape has many uses and it will stop bleeding from the chin almost immediately when you wrap it around chin and head. Also, you won't be able to see the wound if you go around enough times so who really knows if the bleeding is stopped. Not your problem at that stage.
It can be quite difficult to fill out paperwork when you're intoxicated and injured from a gutter cleaning accident. Well, NZ's Accident Compensation Corporation does require you to provide the circumstances surrounding your injury and your occupation and if you've just said that your occupation is that of a gutter cleaner, stands to reason that your injuries would result from cleaning gutters.
It's possible that you might not have even paid us a visit if we had just gone home and sent our room mate to bed to rest up. Unfortunately that just didn't happen. On our return, the party was in full swing, apparently we hadn't been missed at all which is a little disconcerting since it was our house.
It's possible that in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves, we might have started a small, insignificant fire on the concrete. I don't recall if it was for a BBQ but that seems logical. At some point things got a little out of hand and a lot of stuff was thrown on the fire. A lot of our stuff since people weren't really donating their things. Just ours. Including our microwave. Have you ever seen a microwave burn? What am I talking about, you're the Fire Department, you've seen everything burn.
To be honest, before you showed up and showed us the error of our ways, I thought that riding a bike through the flames and then on down the street with flaming tires was genius. It looked like a circus act although I noticed none of you thought it was very clever. Which is a shame because people were lining up to ride through the flames, down the driveway and then off into the neighborhood.
Speaking of neighborhood, I suspect one of them called you because we didn't have any interest in dampening down the flames at that point. BTW, thanks for dampening down the flames, it was probably time. Beer can make that difficult to recognize.
Kind regards,
One of the party attendees***.
*The origin of this is uncertain but seems like something that would be lying around a student flat, even if no one was studying Nursing.
**In hindsight, removing the mattress was a poor decision although I don't think it would have helped since he bounced off the bed and hit the concrete anyway.
***Call me...
Sorry about all of this. It was an accident. Well, not so much an accident as some unclearly thought out actions and behaviors that seemed like a good idea at the time. It started off with one room mate dragging the couch out on to the deck so he could have a few beers in the sun on a Saturday afternoon. As I'm sure you can understand, beers and sun make you tired so it makes sense that he wouldn't want to get up and use the bathroom. Why wouldn't you just sit on a plastic shopping bag in the hopes that it would absorb whatever you released? And then why wouldn't you want to refine a design flaw, upon finding yourself sitting in your own pee, by attaching an external catheter*? Those catheters can fill up pretty quick when you're just drinking beer and the release valve is quite close to your leg so you probably want to refine it even further by removing the long hose from the dryer and releasing the valve into the hose so that it can drip off the deck. Probably want to patent the design at this point.
Let's face it, at this point, everything is starting to seem like a great idea - I'm sure you can understand that. And with great ideas, comes great crowds of friends all wanting to see the design and to hold your room mate to his promise of not leaving the couch until the beer runs out. Happened sooner than you would think. So with that out of the way, he got on with some weekend chores like mowing the lawns. I mean what good is a lawn mowing business if you can't take care of your own flat on the weekends. Just get that lawn mower up on the roof and turn it on. Not a lot of grass up there but seemed worth a look. After a while, who wouldn't want to get down? I fully condoned his idea of diving off to try and hit the wooden bed that someone had dragged out on to the concrete**. And then off we went to the hospital! But not without some on the spot triage from yours truly. Duct tape has many uses and it will stop bleeding from the chin almost immediately when you wrap it around chin and head. Also, you won't be able to see the wound if you go around enough times so who really knows if the bleeding is stopped. Not your problem at that stage.
It can be quite difficult to fill out paperwork when you're intoxicated and injured from a gutter cleaning accident. Well, NZ's Accident Compensation Corporation does require you to provide the circumstances surrounding your injury and your occupation and if you've just said that your occupation is that of a gutter cleaner, stands to reason that your injuries would result from cleaning gutters.
It's possible that you might not have even paid us a visit if we had just gone home and sent our room mate to bed to rest up. Unfortunately that just didn't happen. On our return, the party was in full swing, apparently we hadn't been missed at all which is a little disconcerting since it was our house.
It's possible that in an attempt to draw attention to ourselves, we might have started a small, insignificant fire on the concrete. I don't recall if it was for a BBQ but that seems logical. At some point things got a little out of hand and a lot of stuff was thrown on the fire. A lot of our stuff since people weren't really donating their things. Just ours. Including our microwave. Have you ever seen a microwave burn? What am I talking about, you're the Fire Department, you've seen everything burn.
To be honest, before you showed up and showed us the error of our ways, I thought that riding a bike through the flames and then on down the street with flaming tires was genius. It looked like a circus act although I noticed none of you thought it was very clever. Which is a shame because people were lining up to ride through the flames, down the driveway and then off into the neighborhood.
Speaking of neighborhood, I suspect one of them called you because we didn't have any interest in dampening down the flames at that point. BTW, thanks for dampening down the flames, it was probably time. Beer can make that difficult to recognize.
Kind regards,
One of the party attendees***.
*The origin of this is uncertain but seems like something that would be lying around a student flat, even if no one was studying Nursing.
**In hindsight, removing the mattress was a poor decision although I don't think it would have helped since he bounced off the bed and hit the concrete anyway.
***Call me...
Monday, February 23, 2015
The Kirsten Police Handbook
You must believe nothing but the thoughts in your head. You have not misread the situation, "at face value" can only be applied to money and the way you have translated what someone is saying is correct because you can't possibly be wrong*.
- When you receive a compliment, you must blush, deny it and respond with "I am a potato." It's important to be modest and also everyone is obviously lying when they say you look nice.
- When you look in the mirror every morning, you must agree that you look a bit chunky that day but you've made the best of a bad situation with your outfit.
- When the cat welcomes you home, it is actually because he loves you and not because he wants food. This is not the same for people.
- When at first you think you look nice in something you must remind yourself that it's a trick of the light and probably a skinny mirror. And then you will feel more comfortable.
- You're not having a bad hair day. You have bad hair.
- When people laugh at your jokes, do not think you are funny. They are just bored
- When you are commended on your attitude towards exercise, don't get ahead of yourself and try out for the Olympics. It's because they want you to continue as you are a long ways off from being fit. Also, the Javelin is never going to be "your thing".
- When you are feeling competent at work, open up Excel and create a pivot table. That ought to fix that feeling.
- You can admit that you have nice ankles but it gets a bit sketchy from there up.
- Self-deprecation. I've mastered it. Now there's something to be proud of. Good job, me.
Friday, February 20, 2015
5:30am
No one should be up at this time. It's dark so it's clearly night time. And the only benefit is that no one can see me making my sad little way to Boot Camp in the park or even better, attempting to work out.* And let me be clear, I'm only going because the McFinlayson** in me saw a good deal. $35 for 3, one hour sessions a week, for a month. And the park is at the bottom of my street - it's almost illegal for me not to do this. I wish I'd never found it, then I wouldn't have been guilted into doing it. It's pretty sad when you can't ignore your own feelings of guilt. I mean who am I planning on turning myself in to if I don't do this? The Kirsten Police*** are bad enough...
For the record, you can't move in this park without running into another boot camp, although most seem to be at a more reasonable hour. As I finished and walked through back through the park on my way home the other day, I overheard an instructor telling his people that the butt was an amazing muscle. And one of his participants in a low voice, responding with "not my butt". See, everyone loves working out...
So far everyone seems very nice although I am avoiding making friends in case they are better than me. I'm waiting for someone that I can beat to join. Hope that happens before Daylight Savings, also known as Quitting Time, kicks in. Although it's not really the place for making friends since you need to save all your breath for breathing.
The first day is always the hardest. Especially when the instructor shows up with scales and a ridiculous machine - that was obviously broken - that calculates your body fat. Whoa. I did not sign up for this. I signed up for some gentle calisthenics, same laying down on our mats and taking a group nap and possibly meeting my next boyfriend. Groupon, you have betrayed me.
So far I have done two weeks and have two to go. Everyone keeps talking in hushed tones about the "long run" which is awfully mysterious and quite frankly sounds awful. Two words that should never go together. Since most fitness classes in LA cost about $25 an hour, I've already gotten my money's worth, so maybe I don't need to go back? After all, look what happened in Stephen King's, "The Long Walk". That was just walking and everyone died except the winner which based on my own assessment of my skills, I'm pretty sure would not be me****.
*Obviously I'll have to quit once Daylight Savings starts. It's either that or become a super athlete before then. Quitting it is.
**Cheap Scot - love a good bargain. Just prefer it to be unrelated to exercise...
***This is a new thing that I just thought of. Think I will write a handbook detailing all the rules. Basically you (and by you, I mean me) can't do anything without being berated.
****Be a different case if it was the Long Math. Everyone knows how good I am at Math. I would definitely win that. As long as their was no Long Division.That's just made-up math.
For the record, you can't move in this park without running into another boot camp, although most seem to be at a more reasonable hour. As I finished and walked through back through the park on my way home the other day, I overheard an instructor telling his people that the butt was an amazing muscle. And one of his participants in a low voice, responding with "not my butt". See, everyone loves working out...
So far everyone seems very nice although I am avoiding making friends in case they are better than me. I'm waiting for someone that I can beat to join. Hope that happens before Daylight Savings, also known as Quitting Time, kicks in. Although it's not really the place for making friends since you need to save all your breath for breathing.
The first day is always the hardest. Especially when the instructor shows up with scales and a ridiculous machine - that was obviously broken - that calculates your body fat. Whoa. I did not sign up for this. I signed up for some gentle calisthenics, same laying down on our mats and taking a group nap and possibly meeting my next boyfriend. Groupon, you have betrayed me.
So far I have done two weeks and have two to go. Everyone keeps talking in hushed tones about the "long run" which is awfully mysterious and quite frankly sounds awful. Two words that should never go together. Since most fitness classes in LA cost about $25 an hour, I've already gotten my money's worth, so maybe I don't need to go back? After all, look what happened in Stephen King's, "The Long Walk". That was just walking and everyone died except the winner which based on my own assessment of my skills, I'm pretty sure would not be me****.
*Obviously I'll have to quit once Daylight Savings starts. It's either that or become a super athlete before then. Quitting it is.
**Cheap Scot - love a good bargain. Just prefer it to be unrelated to exercise...
***This is a new thing that I just thought of. Think I will write a handbook detailing all the rules. Basically you (and by you, I mean me) can't do anything without being berated.
****Be a different case if it was the Long Math. Everyone knows how good I am at Math. I would definitely win that. As long as their was no Long Division.That's just made-up math.
Wednesday, February 18, 2015
When You Go To Dinner With Work People...
Try and behave. Recently I've had two work dinners - one with people that are business partners of mine within the organization and the other with my department and several of my colleagues from the NYC office.
The first turned out to be an excellent evening at a place in Los Angeles called Littlefork*. Despite not letting myself have any sugar**. They ordered the Apple Cider donuts with apple butter and salted caramel and I didn't even lick the tops when they weren't looking.
The second evening was with people I work with and see (mostly) on a daily basis. We went to Fogo de Chao in Beverley Hill, which is a Brazilian meat eating orgy type of place. While there is a salad bar there, most people just wait for the gaucho chefs to come around and carve hunks of different types of meat onto your plate. Which you eat until your arteries clog. After a while, I was starting to hear the pitiful bleating of sheep***, the guilt-inducing mooing of cows and the oinking of dead and dying pigs in my head. But it's ok, I just kept eating until I couldn't hear them anymore.
After everyone had gorged themselves, we began socializing. My CPO (Chief Procurement Officer and kind of a big deal) had just popped by our table when one of my colleagues (a lovely gentleman from Brazil, as a matter of fact) asked me a boomingly**** loud voice "Do you remember when you gave me the clap at Christmas?" Do you know what it's like to be asked this in front of everyone you work with plus your boss and your bosses boss and basically almost the head of Comcast? But it gets better because he followed it up with "My sons loved it so much that I gave the clap to one of them and then because the youngest was complaining that he didn't have the clap, I gave it to him as well. So now we all have the clap in our house." It's not often that I'm lost for words but this would do it for anyone I would think. And then I got my words back. "So, you have a double dose of the clap?"
Yes, he said and I can't thank you enough...Brazilians are very polite. Give them an STD and they thank you. I know you're all thinking, why is she admitting this in such a public forum? Look, if Fifty Shades of Grey can put it all out there and make money off of it, why can't I?
But, if I might explain...
Last year, at the Christmas department holiday party, we had a White Elephant gift exchange and for a short period of time, I was lucky enough to get "The Clapper". Up until my colleague took it off my hands (the aforementioned Brazilian gentleman) and I ended up with a blanket which I much preferred. When the actual meaning of what he had said was pointed out to him, he was mortified and kept shouting "undo, undo" at me which was equally amusing.
*Ahem, Littlefork. Pretty decent plug for you given the large audience of two that reads my blog. Possibly you want to give me a free meal for me and my two readers? Or maybe return the $2.45 it cost me for a glass of soda water. Which is water with bubbles. Basically I paid $2.00 for bubbles. Should have just farted in my drink. I know, not ladylike but honestly, here I am, not drinking, not eating anything sweet and delicious and giving up all enjoyment only to be punished. Now I know how designated drivers feel...
**For those keeping track, I have now done 36 days and have 30 to go. Feel like this should have been one of those instances where I got sponsored to give up sugar. It's not too late - feel free to give freely to the blog. Don't worry about supportive messages, just send money.
***Surprising really since New Zealand is all about sheep and eating them. Specifically lambs.
****Luckily only our party of 20 or so people heard
The first turned out to be an excellent evening at a place in Los Angeles called Littlefork*. Despite not letting myself have any sugar**. They ordered the Apple Cider donuts with apple butter and salted caramel and I didn't even lick the tops when they weren't looking.
The second evening was with people I work with and see (mostly) on a daily basis. We went to Fogo de Chao in Beverley Hill, which is a Brazilian meat eating orgy type of place. While there is a salad bar there, most people just wait for the gaucho chefs to come around and carve hunks of different types of meat onto your plate. Which you eat until your arteries clog. After a while, I was starting to hear the pitiful bleating of sheep***, the guilt-inducing mooing of cows and the oinking of dead and dying pigs in my head. But it's ok, I just kept eating until I couldn't hear them anymore.
After everyone had gorged themselves, we began socializing. My CPO (Chief Procurement Officer and kind of a big deal) had just popped by our table when one of my colleagues (a lovely gentleman from Brazil, as a matter of fact) asked me a boomingly**** loud voice "Do you remember when you gave me the clap at Christmas?" Do you know what it's like to be asked this in front of everyone you work with plus your boss and your bosses boss and basically almost the head of Comcast? But it gets better because he followed it up with "My sons loved it so much that I gave the clap to one of them and then because the youngest was complaining that he didn't have the clap, I gave it to him as well. So now we all have the clap in our house." It's not often that I'm lost for words but this would do it for anyone I would think. And then I got my words back. "So, you have a double dose of the clap?"
Yes, he said and I can't thank you enough...Brazilians are very polite. Give them an STD and they thank you. I know you're all thinking, why is she admitting this in such a public forum? Look, if Fifty Shades of Grey can put it all out there and make money off of it, why can't I?
But, if I might explain...
Last year, at the Christmas department holiday party, we had a White Elephant gift exchange and for a short period of time, I was lucky enough to get "The Clapper". Up until my colleague took it off my hands (the aforementioned Brazilian gentleman) and I ended up with a blanket which I much preferred. When the actual meaning of what he had said was pointed out to him, he was mortified and kept shouting "undo, undo" at me which was equally amusing.
 |
| Not an STD. Annoying but does not result in burning pain...unless you overdo the clapping and end up with stinging palms... |
*Ahem, Littlefork. Pretty decent plug for you given the large audience of two that reads my blog. Possibly you want to give me a free meal for me and my two readers? Or maybe return the $2.45 it cost me for a glass of soda water. Which is water with bubbles. Basically I paid $2.00 for bubbles. Should have just farted in my drink. I know, not ladylike but honestly, here I am, not drinking, not eating anything sweet and delicious and giving up all enjoyment only to be punished. Now I know how designated drivers feel...
**For those keeping track, I have now done 36 days and have 30 to go. Feel like this should have been one of those instances where I got sponsored to give up sugar. It's not too late - feel free to give freely to the blog. Don't worry about supportive messages, just send money.
***Surprising really since New Zealand is all about sheep and eating them. Specifically lambs.
****Luckily only our party of 20 or so people heard
Monday, February 16, 2015
President's Day
Technically I shouldn't be posting anything because I have the day off but since I'm down to three days a week, I'm feeling some Catholic guilt. Which is interesting since I'm not Catholic.
It's actually very generous of me since I don't get another day off until May 25th, Memorial Day. Please 'like" my act of generosity by donating to my blog. Honestly, I haven't been able to buy a single pair of shoes with what I've made so far.
President's Day was originally meant to commemorate George Washington's birthday - despite never actually being on his birthday which I'm pretty sure is where the whole origin of "Birthday Month" started*. If I was a past or present President, I'd be pissed at being left out although I think nowadays, it's been opened up to include everyone. I bet Lincoln is feeling a bit like an afterthought**.
So I did some research because this blog is not just full of mindless twaddle, it's real journalism. With a little bit of twaddle. What the hell is twaddle anyway? I should look that up.
Back to the research. I wanted to find out about the typical traditions for President's Day. There appears to be nothing. So basically all the after thought presidents get a day in their honor where no one does anything to commemorate them and no one thinks about them at all. They probably feel about as special as all those on my group Valentine's Day text.
FYI - If you really want to honor Washington, apparently some of his favorite foods were fish and pie. Maybe you could eat some. If you're short on time consider combining the two...
How about we come up with a President's Day tradition? I'm thinking something along the lines of an egg hunt followed by a turkey dinner, eaten around a decorated tree with gifts of heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and roses, all whilst wearing a scary*** costume. Any takers?
Just an FYI, when I am President, every day will be a holiday, only mean people will have to work and there will be cake for breakfast.
*I think I just solved for x. Or y.
**I mean Zombie Lincoln because obviously he is dead. Read up on your history, people, only the facts here on this blog.
***Or slutty. I know how some of you are - you love nothing more than to dress up like a slutty squirrel.
It's actually very generous of me since I don't get another day off until May 25th, Memorial Day. Please 'like" my act of generosity by donating to my blog. Honestly, I haven't been able to buy a single pair of shoes with what I've made so far.
President's Day was originally meant to commemorate George Washington's birthday - despite never actually being on his birthday which I'm pretty sure is where the whole origin of "Birthday Month" started*. If I was a past or present President, I'd be pissed at being left out although I think nowadays, it's been opened up to include everyone. I bet Lincoln is feeling a bit like an afterthought**.
So I did some research because this blog is not just full of mindless twaddle, it's real journalism. With a little bit of twaddle. What the hell is twaddle anyway? I should look that up.
noun
noun: twaddle
- 1.trivial or foolish speech or writing; nonsense."he dismissed the novel as self-indulgent twaddle"
verb
archaic
verb: twaddle; 3rd person present: twaddles; past tense: twaddled; past participle: twaddled; gerund or present participle: twaddling
- 1.talk or write in a trivial or foolish way."what is that old fellow twaddling about?"
Oh. No, definitely not this blog. Nothing self-indulgent about it.
Back to the research. I wanted to find out about the typical traditions for President's Day. There appears to be nothing. So basically all the after thought presidents get a day in their honor where no one does anything to commemorate them and no one thinks about them at all. They probably feel about as special as all those on my group Valentine's Day text.
FYI - If you really want to honor Washington, apparently some of his favorite foods were fish and pie. Maybe you could eat some. If you're short on time consider combining the two...
How about we come up with a President's Day tradition? I'm thinking something along the lines of an egg hunt followed by a turkey dinner, eaten around a decorated tree with gifts of heart-shaped boxes of chocolates and roses, all whilst wearing a scary*** costume. Any takers?
Just an FYI, when I am President, every day will be a holiday, only mean people will have to work and there will be cake for breakfast.
*I think I just solved for x. Or y.
**I mean Zombie Lincoln because obviously he is dead. Read up on your history, people, only the facts here on this blog.
***Or slutty. I know how some of you are - you love nothing more than to dress up like a slutty squirrel.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Valentine's Day 2015
Valentine's Day this year is looking a little weak on the date, gift and love side. Luckily I have this pleasant reminder from last year to share with you all:
 |
| That's right, some guy that I had met once on a business meeting, sent this to me. And 6 others. So romantic for the 7 of us...
I know a lot of you are holding off sending me chocolate because of the no-sugar thing but remember, chocolate keeps and I'm going to need to start stockpiling it for the end of the no-sugar siege. So don't hold back. Also, flowers have no sugar in them. You know who you are.*
*I don't know who you are but seemed like a good trick to flush some people out of the woodwork.
|
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Grand Master Meditation...
...like chess but completely different.
I'm doing a meditation course - one week left to go and so far I have meditated for the last three weeks every day for 15 minutes. So, I think that deserves a round of applause. Maybe even a cupcake, hold the sugar. I'm just not sure I'm doing it right - I think my meditation is broken...
My teacher said last week that if you can focus for four rounds of breath, you're practically the Dalai Lama. Which I think also means you're a Jedi. Like Yoda. Yoda the Yogi. I'm not there yet.
You have to remember that you're not trying to think of nothing, you're trying to be present and mindful. Which is so totally exactly how I might be doing it.
"Breathe in, did I feed the cat? Is that the cat scratching at the door because I haven't fed him. Oh God has he died of starvation over night? Shit, forgot to breathe out. Am I dying? Cat will be fine and you're no good to him dead so remember to breathe. Breathe in, let's get this show back on the road, start this puppy all over again. Albert would hate a puppy. Maybe we could discuss it. I think he would be ok with teacup puppy. Or eat it. I'm nailing this breathing in thing. Not so much the breathing out which is obviously the more advanced of the two. I'm supposed to be kind to myself for not being perfect at it so I think it's ok if I just breathe in until I'm no longer a beginner. Breathe out. There. Did it. Should I have a mantra? I think he said it could be anything, like Taco Truck. Good idea - that might be easier than breathing. Taco truck, taco truck, taco - I love tacos. I should go get one when this is over. I wonder how many minutes that's been. I think I'm supposed to be amazed that the time has flown and I've hardly noticed. Well, my time is going very slowly. Is my time going backwards? Breathe in, taco truck, breathe out, taco truck. Hey - a full round of breath! I also need to pay attention to my body and how it's feeling. Let me do a quick 4 point check. Arse - numb. Feet - asleep. Legs - stuck in this position. Body - more or less upright. Thanks to the wall. How am I going to get up off the floor? Breathe in, breathe out. What if I roll to one side? Meditation is not a graceful thing. It's a lot like the word Mediation. Maybe it's you mediating with yourself and your thoughts. Did I just have a breakthrough? I should put that on Twitter. Oh I can't, I have to keep breathing. I hope I don't forget to put that thing on Twitter. I forgot it. Breathe in, eat a taco, breathe out, eat a taco. Meditating makes you hungry. Breathe...wtf are they doing upstairs? Don't they know I'm meditating? Who's dog is that? Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. This is actually pretty easy. Just like golf. Breathe in...bong....oh thank goodness, time's up."
I'm doing a meditation course - one week left to go and so far I have meditated for the last three weeks every day for 15 minutes. So, I think that deserves a round of applause. Maybe even a cupcake, hold the sugar. I'm just not sure I'm doing it right - I think my meditation is broken...
My teacher said last week that if you can focus for four rounds of breath, you're practically the Dalai Lama. Which I think also means you're a Jedi. Like Yoda. Yoda the Yogi. I'm not there yet.
 |
| How I meditate, this is. |
"Breathe in, did I feed the cat? Is that the cat scratching at the door because I haven't fed him. Oh God has he died of starvation over night? Shit, forgot to breathe out. Am I dying? Cat will be fine and you're no good to him dead so remember to breathe. Breathe in, let's get this show back on the road, start this puppy all over again. Albert would hate a puppy. Maybe we could discuss it. I think he would be ok with teacup puppy. Or eat it. I'm nailing this breathing in thing. Not so much the breathing out which is obviously the more advanced of the two. I'm supposed to be kind to myself for not being perfect at it so I think it's ok if I just breathe in until I'm no longer a beginner. Breathe out. There. Did it. Should I have a mantra? I think he said it could be anything, like Taco Truck. Good idea - that might be easier than breathing. Taco truck, taco truck, taco - I love tacos. I should go get one when this is over. I wonder how many minutes that's been. I think I'm supposed to be amazed that the time has flown and I've hardly noticed. Well, my time is going very slowly. Is my time going backwards? Breathe in, taco truck, breathe out, taco truck. Hey - a full round of breath! I also need to pay attention to my body and how it's feeling. Let me do a quick 4 point check. Arse - numb. Feet - asleep. Legs - stuck in this position. Body - more or less upright. Thanks to the wall. How am I going to get up off the floor? Breathe in, breathe out. What if I roll to one side? Meditation is not a graceful thing. It's a lot like the word Mediation. Maybe it's you mediating with yourself and your thoughts. Did I just have a breakthrough? I should put that on Twitter. Oh I can't, I have to keep breathing. I hope I don't forget to put that thing on Twitter. I forgot it. Breathe in, eat a taco, breathe out, eat a taco. Meditating makes you hungry. Breathe...wtf are they doing upstairs? Don't they know I'm meditating? Who's dog is that? Breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out. This is actually pretty easy. Just like golf. Breathe in...bong....oh thank goodness, time's up."
Monday, February 9, 2015
Think I Will Marry This Guy
My 60 year old mechanic. After the debacle with Pep Boys, I decided to get a quote from some other mechanics and not ones that belong to a chain store. I did my research* and dropped it off.
I know you're all dying to know how this turned out - do I have a new car, did I buy a bike, am I stuck in West Hollywood forever, unable to go into the office** or did I get it fixed for the price of a small country?
Well - it's terribly interesting***. First of all, he noticed that my car is breaking the sound barrier and that possibly addressing that issue after 6 years of ignoring that issue might fix some of the multiple notifications that he picked up on when he did the diagnostic check on my engine light. That sounded correct. Expensive but correct.
My diagnostic check was correct, it was expensive. $900 part plus $400 - $450 in labor. I asked if he could get the part and then I could just install it using YouTube but after asking if I knew (a) what the part looked like and (b) where it went, he said no. Pretty sure I knew where I wanted the part to go at that moment...
And so I decided to be a grown-up and suck it up. If nothing else it would extend the life of my car since I have a fear of car payments. And also the bus****. So for 4 days I waited. And shifted money around. And sold the cat to pay for it.
Last Monday he called me and with heavy heart I went to pick it up. And that is when the miracle happened. Turns out this genius was able to weld the existing part back together and shove it back in the car for the low, low price of $566. I was ecstatic. He had taken pictures of it on his phone so I could see how bad it was. I'll be honest, it looked like a lump of metal and then another lump of metal with a solder line around it. The most exciting part was when he realized he'd flicked too far through his photos and landed on a picture of Asahi Beer. At which point, I think he may have asked me on a date to go get sushi. And beer. One of those situations where there was a language barrier so I just laughed and hoped that answered the question...somewhat of an awkward note to end on*****.
*And by research, I mean I picked the first one that came up on Yelp, was a 2 minute walk from my house and were wearing the correctly embroidered mechanic shirt
**This seems like a very attractive option...
***For me. For a little while and then it became terribly boring.
****I am bus ignorant. I do not know how to use it and the thought of trying to figure out which bus to get, hailing it (and running after when it didn't stop or waiting hours for the next one because it seemed less embarrassing to pretend it wasn't the one I wanted), paying for it (with pennies - I think a bus ride is a penny each way, right?) and then getting it to stop when I what it to, gives me cold sweats.
*****Good news - got he cat back.
I know you're all dying to know how this turned out - do I have a new car, did I buy a bike, am I stuck in West Hollywood forever, unable to go into the office** or did I get it fixed for the price of a small country?
Well - it's terribly interesting***. First of all, he noticed that my car is breaking the sound barrier and that possibly addressing that issue after 6 years of ignoring that issue might fix some of the multiple notifications that he picked up on when he did the diagnostic check on my engine light. That sounded correct. Expensive but correct.
My diagnostic check was correct, it was expensive. $900 part plus $400 - $450 in labor. I asked if he could get the part and then I could just install it using YouTube but after asking if I knew (a) what the part looked like and (b) where it went, he said no. Pretty sure I knew where I wanted the part to go at that moment...
And so I decided to be a grown-up and suck it up. If nothing else it would extend the life of my car since I have a fear of car payments. And also the bus****. So for 4 days I waited. And shifted money around. And sold the cat to pay for it.
Last Monday he called me and with heavy heart I went to pick it up. And that is when the miracle happened. Turns out this genius was able to weld the existing part back together and shove it back in the car for the low, low price of $566. I was ecstatic. He had taken pictures of it on his phone so I could see how bad it was. I'll be honest, it looked like a lump of metal and then another lump of metal with a solder line around it. The most exciting part was when he realized he'd flicked too far through his photos and landed on a picture of Asahi Beer. At which point, I think he may have asked me on a date to go get sushi. And beer. One of those situations where there was a language barrier so I just laughed and hoped that answered the question...somewhat of an awkward note to end on*****.
*And by research, I mean I picked the first one that came up on Yelp, was a 2 minute walk from my house and were wearing the correctly embroidered mechanic shirt
 |
| To be honest, I think he was wearing someone else's shirt since his name was Ed and he's Eastern European. But they're all in the same mechanic family of reliable names, so I can let it go. |
***For me. For a little while and then it became terribly boring.
****I am bus ignorant. I do not know how to use it and the thought of trying to figure out which bus to get, hailing it (and running after when it didn't stop or waiting hours for the next one because it seemed less embarrassing to pretend it wasn't the one I wanted), paying for it (with pennies - I think a bus ride is a penny each way, right?) and then getting it to stop when I what it to, gives me cold sweats.
*****Good news - got he cat back.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Super Bowl. I Don't Get It
I was going to write about Super Bowl but I realized my lack of knowledge might not make me the most informed person out there. Although that never stopped me before. So.
I guess I will then.
First of all, let me just say that Super Bowl without sugar is just stupid. I mean I can give one of them up but not both. Sadly this year it was sugar*. And I love sugar way more than football...
Secondly. I don't understand why everyone claps for stuff that isn't a try**. If there are no points going on the board then you should reserve your applause. Unless someone catches it in an extreme way. Like, with their eyes shut, 10 feet in the air and with no hands.
Thirdly. I'm bored. Football is very boring - delicious sugary cocktails or wine would make it less boring. So would a cupcake. Water - even with a slice of lime - is working not at all.
Fourthly. Who won?
Fifthly. Let me tell you what "BeastMode" really is. It's being in a bar with a bunch of people, not drinking or eating anything for fear that someone is trying to sabotage your sugar-free lifestyle***. So take that Marshawn Lynch.
*Which will never happen again. I'd pretty much give up football before anything else. Especially food related.
**Pretty sure this is not the correct terminology and I can't wait for people to correct me. Come on, people. I know it's called a goal...
***At least for 42 more days
I guess I will then.
First of all, let me just say that Super Bowl without sugar is just stupid. I mean I can give one of them up but not both. Sadly this year it was sugar*. And I love sugar way more than football...
Secondly. I don't understand why everyone claps for stuff that isn't a try**. If there are no points going on the board then you should reserve your applause. Unless someone catches it in an extreme way. Like, with their eyes shut, 10 feet in the air and with no hands.
Thirdly. I'm bored. Football is very boring - delicious sugary cocktails or wine would make it less boring. So would a cupcake. Water - even with a slice of lime - is working not at all.
Fourthly. Who won?
Fifthly. Let me tell you what "BeastMode" really is. It's being in a bar with a bunch of people, not drinking or eating anything for fear that someone is trying to sabotage your sugar-free lifestyle***. So take that Marshawn Lynch.
*Which will never happen again. I'd pretty much give up football before anything else. Especially food related.
**Pretty sure this is not the correct terminology and I can't wait for people to correct me. Come on, people. I know it's called a goal...
***At least for 42 more days
Wednesday, February 4, 2015
So How's The Book, Special K?
Thanks for asking. It's going really well. So far, I have made the following progress:
I thought I'd bang it out in a weekend but I forgot that I am lazy. But it's ok because now I have a plan:
My story was about monsters who could squirt gel toothpaste out of the cyclops eye in the middle of their forehead. Think that might have been the beginning, middle and end. Not a lot of plot, dialogue or characters - I really took "short" story to heart. Blue gel toothpaste had just come out and was obviously the big news in my life at the time and they do say write about what you know...judging by the look on Mum's face when she read it, it wasn't winning any awards.
Pretty sure this new book that I haven't written is going to change all that. Have already written myself some great reviews...
*Paper that Dad "borrowed" from the office. Have not seen Xerox paper in years...
- Coffee
I thought I'd bang it out in a weekend but I forgot that I am lazy. But it's ok because now I have a plan:
- Write book.
My story was about monsters who could squirt gel toothpaste out of the cyclops eye in the middle of their forehead. Think that might have been the beginning, middle and end. Not a lot of plot, dialogue or characters - I really took "short" story to heart. Blue gel toothpaste had just come out and was obviously the big news in my life at the time and they do say write about what you know...judging by the look on Mum's face when she read it, it wasn't winning any awards.
Pretty sure this new book that I haven't written is going to change all that. Have already written myself some great reviews...
*Paper that Dad "borrowed" from the office. Have not seen Xerox paper in years...
Monday, February 2, 2015
Getting Your Car Fixed
Well, it's time. The check engine light has been on for two months so it's pretty clear there's a problem and it wasn't just teasing me. So, I did the responsible adult thing - yes, I'm well aware it's been two months. Maybe I'm a different kind of responsible adult - and took it into Pep Boys because it's on the way to work. After I waited for two hours, they had a ten minute look and diagnosed two things that didn't sound like car parts, more than medical supplies. They also diagnosed it as being $772. Which was $700 more than I had diagnosed it. Which I guess might have been a little off since I've already admitted that car diagnostics are not one of my strengths.
Pretty sure it's not one of theirs either since they completely ignored the fact that I have a crack in my exhaust manifold and my car sounds like a lawn mower. I was fully prepared to talk my way out of the necessity of needing that fixed - after all, it's been 6 years and what's a little carbon monoxide poisoning anyway - but they didn't even notice it. That was my first sign that they were not real mechanics. Plus they weren't wearing a shirt with their name embroidered on it. Every quality mechanic has one of those. And their names are always Willy, Chuck, Bud or Neville. Maybe not Neville*.
Anyway, they told me to call them on Monday so they could order the parts and figure out when I could bring my car in. I guess they thought I was stupid. In their defense, I did look a bit stupid that day. I decided to go to AutoZone and have them look up the price of the parts. $242 is a lot more than $158 for one part. Now if I've done my calculations correctly, we're looking at a 432% mark-up. Give or take. Again, do they think I'm stupid??**
So, I'm getting a second opinion. And a third if I have to. I just need the check engine light to go off and I need it to cost $30. Anyone?
*I was going to insert one of those Name Generator's here - you know when you need to know your stripper name and it asks you for your initials or your street name. Sadly no one has come up with a Mechanic's Name Generator. So, there's a money making idea for someone. You're welcome.
**Math is very difficult, it can make anyone look stupid
Pretty sure it's not one of theirs either since they completely ignored the fact that I have a crack in my exhaust manifold and my car sounds like a lawn mower. I was fully prepared to talk my way out of the necessity of needing that fixed - after all, it's been 6 years and what's a little carbon monoxide poisoning anyway - but they didn't even notice it. That was my first sign that they were not real mechanics. Plus they weren't wearing a shirt with their name embroidered on it. Every quality mechanic has one of those. And their names are always Willy, Chuck, Bud or Neville. Maybe not Neville*.
Anyway, they told me to call them on Monday so they could order the parts and figure out when I could bring my car in. I guess they thought I was stupid. In their defense, I did look a bit stupid that day. I decided to go to AutoZone and have them look up the price of the parts. $242 is a lot more than $158 for one part. Now if I've done my calculations correctly, we're looking at a 432% mark-up. Give or take. Again, do they think I'm stupid??**
So, I'm getting a second opinion. And a third if I have to. I just need the check engine light to go off and I need it to cost $30. Anyone?
*I was going to insert one of those Name Generator's here - you know when you need to know your stripper name and it asks you for your initials or your street name. Sadly no one has come up with a Mechanic's Name Generator. So, there's a money making idea for someone. You're welcome.
**Math is very difficult, it can make anyone look stupid
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)