Punishments That Fit The Crime

There are a lot of people that get off too easily after committing crimes, offenses and generally annoying me. I'm working on a system that will punish them accordingly. Hoping to get this passed into law - it will be known as Special K's Law and people will be very grateful and will show it by contributing money to my campaign. Which will be known as my vacation campaign. I need some help on getting this enacted as I did not pay attention to the American Government lesson when I was at school. So much so that I don't know if I missed it or they just didn't teach it. There is a possibility that since I was in New Zealand, we didn't care and focused on our own system. I might have missed that as well.

So if anyone knows how I do this, please let me know. So far calls to the White House have gone unreturned and also I am lazy.

1. If you do not use your indicator (turn signal), you will be forced to drive blindfolded. Still working the kinks out in this one as there is potential for others to be hurt. So maybe these people will be segregated and forced to drive on a section of the freeway by themselves with a blindfold on until they have learned their lesson.  Very possibly they will die doing this which will be a very harsh lesson.  But necessary.  
2. If you steal, you lose a finger. If you are stupid enough to keep stealing, you lose another one. For the very stupid, say goodbye to your toes as well. I realize this is not a new concept in some countries, we just need to enforce it here.  I am willing to adopt some sort of sliding scale as obviously when I "borrow" some cake from someone, that is not stealing whereas when someone "borrows" a car without asking, that is clearly stealing.
3. If you steal my cake, well that is a whole different story and you will be very sorry.
4. If you are abusive to an animal, you should be shut up in a cage with a bunch of angry and hungry tigers.  Or cobras.  You choose*.  I personally would choose cobras.  And not Mozambique ones because apparently they hit you in the eye with their venom every time.  Black-necked cobra is a little less accurate.  Hang on - have just checked National Geographic and apparently even if they bite you and you get venomed** it's not going to kills you and you could bite off its head which would definitely kill them.  Sorry, no cobras, you now have to choose between Tigers and Crocodiles. 
5. If you talk to me when I am reading my book, you will lose your tongue.  This seems harsh but if you think about it, I am obviously reading a book which means I do not want to talk to you.  So make an appointment.  Actually if you talk to me at all when I don't want you to, you will lose your tongue.  Unfortunately it will be difficult for you to know how I am feeling so best to just send an email...
6. If you eat with your mouth open in front of other people, they will be allowed to stick something in it.  Called a venomous spider.  That'll learn you real quick...
7. If you cough and do not cover your mouth, you will be placed in a sealed room full of small children with snotty noses.  For a week.
8. If you touch someone's car stereo without asking, they will be allowed to go into your car, change all the seat and heat settings and completely reprogram your stereo.  It's not cool. Just don't do it.

*See, I am not completely unreasonable.  
**Might not be a thing.