The Doctor* gave me a course of treatment for my arm which I followed to the letter.
Wednesday, September 11, 2013
Treatment for TB
So, earlier today when I was at home, working from home. I went to the supermarket. Something went wrong with the traffic light pattern that I had memorized and I stepped out into the road at the same time as a car. No one was hurt but there was a lot of screeching and cursing. And he was mad too. He said some not very nice insulting things and it hurt my arm. My arm is very sensitive these days. I think it's the tuberculosis. It was 100% someone's fault.
The Doctor* gave me a course of treatment for my arm which I followed to the letter.
*Also, I am calling myself The Doctor now.
The Doctor* gave me a course of treatment for my arm which I followed to the letter.
Tuesday, September 10, 2013
Blog Stats Update
I woke up with a little bit of cholera this morning but I'm doing OK. This self-diagnosing on the internet is saving me a lot of doctor's fees.
Blog Earnings Update: Promise of 90c Fijian from my aunts*. Total of $1Canadian, $1NZ, $0.90c Fijian. Received: $0
*However since we are related, I feel like this is pity money and I have my pride. I'll take it. We are working on making the transaction happen - it's so amazing with all the technology in the world today, how easy it is to transfer money without ever leaving the house. Right now the plan is for them to put the coin in an envelope and post it to me.
Blog Asset Update: One Custom Cat Ramp, 2 Blinds in a box on the floor
Blog Health Update: Arm Tuberculosis with a bit of Cholera. As yet unconfirmed - Rabies. Partial lip removal
Blog Buy/Sell Update:
Sold - one bike, storage containers and a leaking pool.
Bought - I can't say as I'm supposed to be saving my money.
Yet to Sell - one desk. Excellent condition, excellent price**
** Not true.
Blog "Shrimp on the Barbie" Update: 4 requests to throw aforementioned shrimp on the barbie
Difficult Things To Do That Have Been Mastered Update: None.
Blog Friends I have Made Update: One***
***To be confirmed
Blog Level of Fame Attained Update: Level Mum.
Blog Demographic Update: The Google Stats are showing a strong presence in Alaska. Where I know nobody. I'm like "The Hoff" in Germany. But with pants.
Blog Earnings Update: Promise of 90c Fijian from my aunts*. Total of $1Canadian, $1NZ, $0.90c Fijian. Received: $0
*However since we are related, I feel like this is pity money and I have my pride. I'll take it. We are working on making the transaction happen - it's so amazing with all the technology in the world today, how easy it is to transfer money without ever leaving the house. Right now the plan is for them to put the coin in an envelope and post it to me.
Blog Asset Update: One Custom Cat Ramp, 2 Blinds in a box on the floor
Blog Health Update: Arm Tuberculosis with a bit of Cholera. As yet unconfirmed - Rabies. Partial lip removal
Blog Buy/Sell Update:
Sold - one bike, storage containers and a leaking pool.
Bought - I can't say as I'm supposed to be saving my money.
Yet to Sell - one desk. Excellent condition, excellent price**
** Not true.
Blog "Shrimp on the Barbie" Update: 4 requests to throw aforementioned shrimp on the barbie
Difficult Things To Do That Have Been Mastered Update: None.
Blog Friends I have Made Update: One***
***To be confirmed
Blog Level of Fame Attained Update: Level Mum.
Blog Demographic Update: The Google Stats are showing a strong presence in Alaska. Where I know nobody. I'm like "The Hoff" in Germany. But with pants.
Monday, September 9, 2013
Self-Diagnosis
Dear Fan,
Sorry I didn't post anything over the weekend. I've got a problem with my arm - pain in the upper arm and wrist when I type or use the computer mouse. Luckily, I was able to save some money by using the Internet to diagnose my issue. Turns out I have Arm Tuberculosis. I think the arm can be saved but it was touch and go for a while. I might have to leave work. That seems to be hurting it the most. Chocolate is helping when applied directly to my mouth. Please send some. I'm typing this with my nose.
Anyway, talk to you soon, Mum.
kxx
Sorry I didn't post anything over the weekend. I've got a problem with my arm - pain in the upper arm and wrist when I type or use the computer mouse. Luckily, I was able to save some money by using the Internet to diagnose my issue. Turns out I have Arm Tuberculosis. I think the arm can be saved but it was touch and go for a while. I might have to leave work. That seems to be hurting it the most. Chocolate is helping when applied directly to my mouth. Please send some. I'm typing this with my nose.
Anyway, talk to you soon, Mum.
kxx
Friday, September 6, 2013
An Open Letter to Craig's List Buyers Cont...
Dear Craig’s List Storage Container Buyer,
I’m so glad you stopped to get your car detailed on the way over to pick up the storage containers. It certainly was worth waiting the extra 2 hours to see how your car gleamed. Perhaps I might make a recommendation? If you are going to get your car detailed - you should get a better car. This might seem a bit rich coming from someone with a Mazda with an oops on the bumper* and a hole in the exhaust manifold but I know enough not to waste $50 and if you turn the stereo up loud, you can hardly hear the sweet roar of the car.
Thank you for paying me $35 in rolls of quarters and dimes because you didn’t want to spend $3 at the bank to get it converted. Allow me to go ahead and do that for you. I don’t even want to know why you have rolls of quarters laying around your house. I assume you’re not supposed to “make it rain” with quarters and dimes which leads me to the obvious conclusion that you’re gun running with the Irish.
*Not really my fault. Only a little bit.
Regards,
Elizabeth** (**Not my real name, I want no part of your hired assassin business, Mr O'Murphy-Kelly)
Dear Craig's List Hair Dryer & Straightener Buyer,
If it's listed under the "For Sale section on Craig's List with a price next to it, it means it is For Sale, not Free. So, don't be acting all surprised that I want to charge for it. And when I send you the brand names and makes as well as the requested photo because the one on Craig's List apparently wasn't detailed enough for you to see that it was a regular hair dryer and straightener, even though I sent you the exact same photo, please don't act all surprised again, that I want money for them.
And when we schedule a time to meet so we can complete the transaction and you can be on your way to better hair, it's customary to show up or at least inform me that you've changed your mind.
Did you enjoy the email I sent you telling you that I donated them both to Goodwill because you didn't bother to show?
Regards,
Don't Piss me Off.
Dear Craig’s List Non-Desk Buyers,
Why won’t you buy my desk?
Regards,
Albert* (*A cat)
I’m so glad you stopped to get your car detailed on the way over to pick up the storage containers. It certainly was worth waiting the extra 2 hours to see how your car gleamed. Perhaps I might make a recommendation? If you are going to get your car detailed - you should get a better car. This might seem a bit rich coming from someone with a Mazda with an oops on the bumper* and a hole in the exhaust manifold but I know enough not to waste $50 and if you turn the stereo up loud, you can hardly hear the sweet roar of the car.
Thank you for paying me $35 in rolls of quarters and dimes because you didn’t want to spend $3 at the bank to get it converted. Allow me to go ahead and do that for you. I don’t even want to know why you have rolls of quarters laying around your house. I assume you’re not supposed to “make it rain” with quarters and dimes which leads me to the obvious conclusion that you’re gun running with the Irish.
*Not really my fault. Only a little bit.
Regards,
Elizabeth** (**Not my real name, I want no part of your hired assassin business, Mr O'Murphy-Kelly)
Dear Craig's List Hair Dryer & Straightener Buyer,
If it's listed under the "For Sale section on Craig's List with a price next to it, it means it is For Sale, not Free. So, don't be acting all surprised that I want to charge for it. And when I send you the brand names and makes as well as the requested photo because the one on Craig's List apparently wasn't detailed enough for you to see that it was a regular hair dryer and straightener, even though I sent you the exact same photo, please don't act all surprised again, that I want money for them.
And when we schedule a time to meet so we can complete the transaction and you can be on your way to better hair, it's customary to show up or at least inform me that you've changed your mind.
Did you enjoy the email I sent you telling you that I donated them both to Goodwill because you didn't bother to show?
Regards,
Don't Piss me Off.
Dear Craig’s List Non-Desk Buyers,
Why won’t you buy my desk?
Regards,
Albert* (*A cat)
Thursday, September 5, 2013
An Open Letter to Craig's List Buyers
Dear Craig’s List Bike Buyer,
When I put my bike on Craig’s List for $50, $50 is what I meant. So when you emailed and offered $5, that was the first indication that we weren’t on the same page. When I told you that I had 4 other offers all willing to pay $50, you begged me to hold it for you and promised you would be right over to collect it, so I agreed. By “right over”, I thought you meant 20 minutes although I would have been ok with an hour – it is LA traffic after all. However four hours is stretching it a little - especially when you kept texting to say you were almost there. By “almost there”, I thought you meant, "almost there". And by “there”, I thought you meant, "here". Which you were not. Which I realized when you asked if I was anywhere near San Diego.
It is only your good luck that I am lazy and could not be bothered dealing with anyone else. So, I waited. When you finally arrived you texted me – “I’m here”. I wondered how to respond. “Congratulations” seemed insincere and not really warranted. Since you had my address, I presumed you would come to the door and knock. I was wrong. Because then I got another text to say that not only were you here but you were across the street in a white van and could I bring the bike over. No. I am not going to your shifty dodgy van so you can bundle me and my bike in and kidnap me. Even if you sent a ransom note and even if Albert could use an ATM and was allowed to cross the street on his own, I don’t even have any money so that was a terrible idea of yours. When I told you to come over and get it for yourself, your response of “...there’s no parking here after 8pm without a permit” seemed suspicious, although law-abiding. Which you are clearly not since you are a Craig's List bike-buying kidnapper.
After several more rounds of texting, we agreed that we would both come to my front porch at the same time. I brought the bike. You brought the $100 bill that you had no change for. Nor did I. Then you tried the old “I have is $30, will you take that?” trick. No. I’m sorry, did I mention what I do for a living? I don’t negotiate with anyone, let alone kidnapping Craig’s List bike-buyers. So you left in your white kidnapping van to go get change.
I recall exactly when you returned because you texted me this cryptic message “I’m back. I’m parked across the street in a white van.” Bike is all yours - don't let me hear it was later used in a kidnapping...
Regards,
Karen (did you seriously think I would give you my real name? I know how this kidnapping gig works)
PS. You should have done your research – I bought that bike 6 years ago for $100. If my calculations are correct, I made an estimated profit of $1,034*
*Unlikely to be correct since there was long division involved and I forgot how to do that. Other factors taken into consideration during calculations included miles, depreciation, lack of usage appreciation, road taxes, capital expenditure (whatever that is) and the cost of the lock still stuck on the bike because I forgot the combination.
SDC5FVRWP82G
When I put my bike on Craig’s List for $50, $50 is what I meant. So when you emailed and offered $5, that was the first indication that we weren’t on the same page. When I told you that I had 4 other offers all willing to pay $50, you begged me to hold it for you and promised you would be right over to collect it, so I agreed. By “right over”, I thought you meant 20 minutes although I would have been ok with an hour – it is LA traffic after all. However four hours is stretching it a little - especially when you kept texting to say you were almost there. By “almost there”, I thought you meant, "almost there". And by “there”, I thought you meant, "here". Which you were not. Which I realized when you asked if I was anywhere near San Diego.
It is only your good luck that I am lazy and could not be bothered dealing with anyone else. So, I waited. When you finally arrived you texted me – “I’m here”. I wondered how to respond. “Congratulations” seemed insincere and not really warranted. Since you had my address, I presumed you would come to the door and knock. I was wrong. Because then I got another text to say that not only were you here but you were across the street in a white van and could I bring the bike over. No. I am not going to your shifty dodgy van so you can bundle me and my bike in and kidnap me. Even if you sent a ransom note and even if Albert could use an ATM and was allowed to cross the street on his own, I don’t even have any money so that was a terrible idea of yours. When I told you to come over and get it for yourself, your response of “...there’s no parking here after 8pm without a permit” seemed suspicious, although law-abiding. Which you are clearly not since you are a Craig's List bike-buying kidnapper.
After several more rounds of texting, we agreed that we would both come to my front porch at the same time. I brought the bike. You brought the $100 bill that you had no change for. Nor did I. Then you tried the old “I have is $30, will you take that?” trick. No. I’m sorry, did I mention what I do for a living? I don’t negotiate with anyone, let alone kidnapping Craig’s List bike-buyers. So you left in your white kidnapping van to go get change.
I recall exactly when you returned because you texted me this cryptic message “I’m back. I’m parked across the street in a white van.” Bike is all yours - don't let me hear it was later used in a kidnapping...
Regards,
Karen (did you seriously think I would give you my real name? I know how this kidnapping gig works)
PS. You should have done your research – I bought that bike 6 years ago for $100. If my calculations are correct, I made an estimated profit of $1,034*
*Unlikely to be correct since there was long division involved and I forgot how to do that. Other factors taken into consideration during calculations included miles, depreciation, lack of usage appreciation, road taxes, capital expenditure (whatever that is) and the cost of the lock still stuck on the bike because I forgot the combination.
SDC5FVRWP82G
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
A Handful Of the Conversations I Regularly Have...
Stupid person: Are you from Australia?
Me: No, New Zealand
Stupid Person: Yeah, I thought I recognized the accent
Me: Probably right after I told you
Different stupid person: Where are you from?
Me: New Zealand
Still stupid person but still different one: Oh cool, that’s next to Sweden, right?
Me: No, that’s Norway.
Blind drunk stupid person: Have you seen a hobbit?
Me: Yes.
Stupid Person: Do you eat turkey for Thanksgiving in New Zealand or something else?
Me: The Mayflower didn't make it to us, so...
Stupid Person: Are you going home to New Zealand for the weekend?
Me: Yes. I have a time travel portal
Stupid Person: Really?
Me: No.
Stupid Person: Has anyone ever said "throw another shrimp on the barbie" to you?
Me: No - that's so original. Did you think of that by yourself?
Culturally Unaware person: Why do New Zealander's call themselves a fruit?
Me: The nickname comes from a bird called the Kiwi
Culturally Unaware person: Have you eaten a Kiwi
Me: Yes, it was roasting next to the shrimp on the barbie
Culturally Unaware person: Does it taste like chicken?
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
How To Have A Yard Sale
- Reflect on the need for a yard sale due to fact that landlord has sold house and you have to move. Think about a time in the future when you might not dwell on this.
- Start going through the belongings that you think you might be able to part with. Come to the conclusion that you absolutely need everything.
- Deny that you have a hoarding problem and prove it by agreeing to give up some things. Inventory your Nike’s and discover that you have around 80 pairs (give or take 40). Relinquish two. Annoying person mentions that you might have “issues” so you agree on 25 pairs which is not reasonable but you’re making a point. At all costs, make a point.
 |
| Small Selection...and point made |
- Advertize on Craig’s List, make signs and illegally post them on power poles around the neighborhood. Continue with inventory of other belongings that you think you might be able to part with.
 |
| Hardly anything really, no hoarding issues here |
- Schedule the start for 10am because you’re hungover from the farewell party from the night before because you have to move out of your house. In case that wasn’t clear.
- Get up at 6am. Decide that’s unnecessary. Get up again at 8am and start dragging tables out to lay the goods on. Prepare for every eventuality.
- Find self unprepared for the eventuality of an 8:05am van arrival that spills out an entire family that then cleans you out and is gone by 8:10am. Apparently Nike shoes/clothing, electronics and jeweler are hot ticket items.
- Put out remaining not-hot ticket items
- Strap on fanny pack as a money belt. Remind self that “fanny pack” isn’t funny here in America and doesn’t mean the same thing. But still feel awkward putting cash in your fanny...pack
- Decide that yard sale is a bit boring after the initial excitement – get mug of sangria to keep you company. Make self feel better by establishing that you don’t have a hoarding problem. Just a drinking one.
- Determine that it’s now official opening time so sit in deck chair and wait for the crowds.
- At 1pm, get up out of deck chair and officially close the yard sale
- At 1:05pm remind self that not everyone can read instructions because then you get swamped. By three people. Deal with them accordingly:
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| Graphic representation of said tattoo. Not accurate or to scale. Slight misunderstanding of how it works when reflected back in the mirror. Also spacing issues. Have new respect for forehead tattooers. |
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| Authentic velvet painting from India. Circa 2010. "Dear ex-room mate – sorry I gave away your gift. I tried to sell it but no luck. Thanks. I love it". |
 |
| Apparently (according to picture on front of box) pool would best suit family of 5 who wish to swim laps in neck-high water. Simultaneously. Not my experience. "Dear Target, you lied". |
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