Cool Things to Do.

1. You know what would be a cool thing for a celebrity to do? Ask a regular person if they can take a picture with them. I'm going to start asking regular people if they'll be in my photo*
2. Borrow a white van**, park it on a busy road, get out your hair dryer and point it at cars. Watch them slow down for the "speed camera".
3. Give money to blogs that aren't making any money***
4. Quit your job and run away****
5. Take an aerial silks and trapeze class. You will think you look sexy doing it until you see the picture your friend took and you realize, you look like a corgi in a blanket. You will hang from the silks by one foot. By accident. And then thank your lucky stars that the silks are secured and you are not in fact being dragged by a horse.
6. Put as many Hershey Kisses into your mouth as you can. And then dare your brother to try and beat you. This is only cool for a little while and then you will choke and vomit chocolate on the carpet and your mother will be very mad. But you will win. 19.
7. Pluck out all your eyebrow hairs*****
8. Put a tent up in your living room. Then you will have a tent in your living room.
9. Form an alternative rock band. People will either love you or hate you. Or they will think you are OK.
10. Make a new friend******.  It's not called stalking. It's called friendship.  

*Also, I am referring to myself as a celebrity now. Just play along.
**Well, I don't know - try the white van shop.
***This is different from begging, this is a recommendation.  Also, I will unfriend you on Facebook if you don't.  But, it's just a suggestion...
****Sometimes I confuse cool with irresponsible.  Also, sometimes I think I am cool. And then I trip over and realize, nope, still just me.
*****Not really cool, just want to see if I have anyone blindly taking my advice.  In which case.  Give me money.
******Dear New Friend - do you ever feel like you're being watched? If it's bothering you, I'll stop...

Things You Don't Know About Rugby

In light of the recent Rugby 7's competition, I thought I would explain a few things for those who aren't as familiar with Rugby and particularly my thoughts on it. Which are useless...

• I play better than you might think*
• I played Hooker** at University.
• Rugby players are more handsome than NFL players. Except for the ears. The Americans might have something with that helmet thing.

Mmm cauliflower.


Has anyone seen my...never mind, I found them.

• New Zealand is the best at Rugby. Even when we lose. Still the best. Not open for debate.
• The New Zealand team is known as the All Blacks - this is not a racist term, America, as many have suggested to me. We*** wear "all black" uniforms.
• There is no crying in Rugby.
• This one time I offered face painting at a rugby match. This guy wanted a silver fern.

Like this


I think it came out well. Add this to the list of things I am good at...

• Hot chips with tomato sauce and a sausage on a stick are really what rugby is all about. 
•  This is also what it's all about.  I put down my sausage on a stick for this...

 

 I don't know why America calls it Football - mostly it's in their hands. This is something I don't know that I'm just throwing in there. Cos I can't think of much else that I know about rugby...

*No, I don’t. I’m terrible.
**There is nothing you can say about this that I haven’t already heard. I was a damn fine hooker. The only time I touched the ball was when I threw it in which was a face-saving measure. Literally. I wanted to save my face from being mashed in. My career was short-lived. I looked really good in my rugby jersey. Which was the main reason for playing. Our team was really good at celebrating. Our losses.
***Also I am calling myself an All Black now...

A Day At The Races...

For those of you that don't know. Which is pretty much everyone. I used to work for the TAB in New Zealand taking phone bets for horse racing. In fact I still have an account with a likely amount of $0.43 in it. Betting on races is definitely something that I am good at. Like math. And some other things that I can't think of right now. Because there are too many.

Anyway, the point is that, I know racing. It's not as complicated as people make it out to be with their doubles, trebles, trifecta's, boxed trifecta's, forecasts etc*. Pretty much nothing matters but first place. Luckily I was able to explain all of this to my friend so she could see I was an expert. I'm not gonna lie, she looked pretty impressed. When I explained about "first".

We made a couple of imaginary bets on some races, based on the horse names which is how you should always do it unless you are more inclined to pick based on the jockey's silks**. My friend who we will call "M" because it's important that no one knows her secret imaginary horse racing gambling problem, won a lot of imaginary money in her first race. Never seen anyone so excited. Not even the people winning real money.

This horse is faking being nice.  His name is Peanut.  Well, not actually Peanut but I forgot it the minute the trainer said it so we'll just call him Peanut.  He certainly enjoyed eating them.  Note: If you don't have peanuts in your hand when holding said hand out to a horse not really called Peanut, it will bite you. 

This horse is disguise.  He's in the Horse Witness Relocation Program. 

This horse is called John Henry.  I wanted to put up a bronze horse bust of Seabiscuit but I'm not gonna lie, it was a little underwhelming and I'm hoping it wasn't to scale.  John Henry could have eaten Seabiscuit. Note: Not a real horse.

Let's be honest. We were really here for the wine tasting. Just happened to be at the races.  Shameless plug for this random vineyard -let's hope they follow the blog and send me a case of wine.  Because that happens.  Just not yet.  Note: You should not drink and ride a racehorse.  The officials get mad.

We should all wear our floppy straw hats, shoulder bags and sandals.  Long dress girl is being shunned for not reading the memo properly.

Them: OMG, can you take our picture? Me: Ok, but I'm going to use my phone.  Ok, bye.

For the doubters that thought I was just drinking wine with random horses

Artistic. By me. Note: Not real horses.

I totally recognize this horse.  Worst disguise ever.

Not Michael Jackson.  Not even close.

Note: Not the basketball game

Why yes those are silver horses galloping around her ankles.  Left one won. By a furlong

*Incidentally none of these bet types were available. I don't know what America is doing but good horse race betting with the right names is not one of them.
**Technical term.  For experts only.  You should use "tight pants and shirt".

Car Stereo Stuff

Things I turn my car stereo down for:

• When I am going somewhere and am nearly there and I need to look carefully for it. Obviously turning down the radio helps. With my eyes. 
• When there is a burning smell in my car. Which is usually only every couple of days. I need to turn the radio down so I can sniff and determine where it came from. Ears are very closely connected to nose...
• When I am looking for something while driving. In the back seat*. I need to be able to hear what I am looking for.

Things I don't turn my car stereo down for:

• Phone calls. I like the noise competition
• Drive Thru's. I want them to hear my music and invite them to sing along with me...over the speaker.

*Just kidding, Mum, I would never do this. I would definitely have Albert take over the wheel first.

No Bueno

Today I am sick. And vomity. And other things that I don't want to talk about. So don't ask. Just come back tomorrow...

How To Exercise On A Cruise Ship*

• Take a leisurely stroll past the fitness center, poke your head in and admire those that are using it. Then walk on by and call it good
• Do a couple of laps of the buffet...to make sure you didn't miss anything.
• Get a couple more laps in when you go back for seconds. And thirds. I mean, it's already paid for...
• Drink to excess - when you vomit, it will work your stomach muscles. There is always a plus side.
• Swim laps of the hot tub. 

Pause at each side to catch your breath.  Do not over exert

• Roller blade. At your own risk.
• Pop overboard and swim behind the ship for a bit. Then simply scale the side and get back on.

*Wouldn't know. Didn't.

Instagram Stats

I've done an extensive analysis on my Instagram stats and have come up with the following:

• No. of pictures I have posted: 129
• No. of followers I have: 85
• No. of people I follow: 85
• Highest number of likes (for those of you that do not like every single photos I put up - guess what? I don't like you. Doesn't feel very nice, does it? Let's all try a little harder to like my stuff, no?): 15
• Percentage of followers on peak day: 18%*
• No: of posts that had no likes: A ridiculously large amount
• Amount of time I spent doing this: Quite a lot.
• No. of selfies: 2
• Percentage** of self vanity: 0.02%
• No. of Albert selfies: 9
• Percentage of Albert’s self-vanity: 99.7% 
• Artistic merit of pictures: Outstanding.  Award-winning even***

 

*OMG - I actually think I got this right.  However, there is no way I would know this.
**Percentage calculations were audited and vetted by an esteemed panel of me.
***Submissions were carefully evaluated by the some of the most exalted artistic experts in the world.  Called Kirsten.

A Good Idea

Last night I had another one of my really good ideas. It will solve multiple problems - I will become very rich and be free to pursue my hobby of sleeping in and being up to date on every single TV show out there. I'm going to get some kind of award for lying on my couch and doing nothing for a very long time. Then I will get an award for creating a training program for cats. This will enable cats to cook their couch-ridden (by choice) owners a nice dinner, pour them a glass of wine (and top-ups), possibly even turn the bed down and give them a foot rub. The possibilities are limitless* and still to be explored. As the program has yet to be created.  I'm having trouble getting started.

But that's not even the idea I was thinking of - do you see what it's like to be inside my head with all these brilliant gems spilling out so fast that I can't even get them down before another one hits me?  Anyway, I digress.  Again.  My initial idea was to create my own dating app. It will be very successful**. The odds will be excellent as I am restricting the number of women allowed to join. To one***. Who's with me?  Sorry, not you, ladies.

*Currently a little bit limited since I'm having trouble getting my cat to even acknowledge me.  He was pretty busy though at the time so I don't blame him.  Also, I will have to make him some real hands.  I might not have thought this through completely.  God, I hope math(s) isn't involved...
**Except if it is not, which is highly likely given my business skills. And ideas.
***I don't have to spell this out for you do I? Fine.  The one woman allowed to join will be me.  And as the first adopter of this great app, I will waive myself the joining fee.  This is a pretty great deal.  

Things That Are Like Crack Cocaine

• Dates*. Dates are delicious. I never knew. I've wasted half my life not knowing about dates. I blame my parents for my lack of date education. Dates from the freezer are like crack cocaine**. If I knew what crack cocaine was like. It sounds very different to dates. Also I think dates are hard to inject. Because of the pits. 

*Just so we're clear about what kind of dates we're talking about. 

*Not this kind of date.  This is not delicious, although it does appear to be going quite well.  Hopefully it's not a first date - you shouldn't hold hands on a first date, he will think you are a whore...This looks nothing like my first dates.  Very little hand holding and cups of tea.  However, if you were to bring me some dates, I might hold your hand.

• Cake. Obviously
• Instant Noodles. It's one of life's great disappointments to me to find out how bad these things are for you.
• I'm trying to think of things that are not food. It's not easy but I got one. 80's rock music. Who's with me?
• Marshmallow Creme - sorry back to food. I think you're supposed to buy this for baking things, but I've never managed to get it from the jar to the mixing bowl. It always accidentally falls in my mouth.
• The ocean. And not just because of cold beers and tacos waiting for me when I get out. I'm going to retire into the ocean.
• Exercise***
• Car Washes - I love riding through them, I love that I don't have to do it and I love how my car looks afterwards. I would love it even more if my car looked like a BMW but there are limits.
• Shopping. For shoes. And purses. But that's all. Except for clothes. And accessories. Nothing else though. Maybe a little bit of cars.

**I don't know how one orders crack cocaine - I don't even know what it looks like or what you then do with it once you've bought it.  I am useless.
***Not really.  Although one time I got a runner's high out jogging but I also had a cupcake just prior so it's open for debate as to what really caused it.

Public Holiday's Around the World...Today

Today is Martin Luther King Day here in the States. Which is important for many reasons as we all know. Also, since I want to treat all my readers equally, I am celebrating that it is Wellington Anniversary Day in New Zealand, for my 2 followers in Azerbaijan, happy "Martyr's Day" also known as "Day of National Mourning"*. For those readers in Idaho - enjoy "Idaho Human Right's Day".** And in Mali, let's raise a hand for Armed Forces Day and Baptism of the Prophet***. Finally, three cheers for Tuesday in Australia.

Since this is a public holiday today, technically I should have a day off from writing but I am pushing on through, even though it means I will have to walk 5 miles in the snow without shoes and a heavy pack of stones on my back.****

*Unsure if one should wish this to be "happy". Possibly one should wish for "sorry people sacrificed themselves and are now martyrs"?
**Let's hope they extend the same courtesy to the potato.
***It's a 2 for 1 day in Mali. They have a lot of public holidays so they're doubling up with the ones that just seem to go together...
****No martyrs here. No snow either but walking in sunshine makes it difficult to sound like a hardship. Also...Walking in Sunshine is a joyful song...

Hiking..with children

My friend has recently started hiking with her almost 3 year old. Which is going really well except for the part where he doesn't hike. More carrying, less hiking. He also isn't very good about holding on so on top of the toll it's taking on her back, her arms are also sore from making sure he doesn't fall off. I don't want to cast aspersions, but I don't think this kid is ever going to be as good as me at riding a mechanical bull. You have to grip with your thighs.

For an almost three year old, he's a pretty tall kid - about three Alberts stacked on top of each other high. Not sure compared to Albert when he's rearing up (I think that's horses but I don't know the cat word) because we've had some tape measuring difficulties. He also weighs a little under 4 Alberts* so she's getting a pretty good work-out in.

Anyway, I've been trying to help solve the problem of the arm and back ache - just so you know, leaving him in the car was not even considered by her**. I offered bungy cords, which weren't even given a test run, an old back pack with leg and arm holes cut out*** and a suggestion to try balancing him on top of her head - an old Ghanian practice, except with baskets not children.

Last resort - she's going to try the African wrap way of carrying your child. Apparently, you can carry your child until he's 18 and ready to leave the home****. Since I am a very helpful friend, I demonstrated this for her with Albert. I think this is going to work really well.

I didn't have an African wrap so I used a fluffy scarf that my Mum knitted.  It also looked nice with Albert's coloring.

Here you see him admiring it.

Here you see him resigned to his fate.  I have a very tolerant cat.  As regards results, turns out a stretchy scarf is not the thing.  I took one step and Albert unfurled.  Luckily he is a cat and landed on his feet. Unluckily for me, I tried to catch him and he reached for me.  With his claws.  I was able to staunch the bleeding with my African wrap fluffy scarf child holder.

*In case you're wondering, Albert has kept his figure over the years and consistently weighs a trim 11lbs.
**FYI Social Services people
***In case you're trying to steal this idea, it apparently has already been invented.
****Also, I might have made this up.

Interpretation

This post is in honor of the lovely Tales....

Albert says...awkward.  I'll just pretend she's not there taking my picture...

Albert is deeply hurt by your callous comments. He has assumed the fetal position

Albert says...can I have a little privacy please?  I'm on my stoop.  Also, I hope your head gets stuck in the cat flap door*.  That will teach you to try and take stealthy photos.  I see you. 

Albert says...I only sleep in here when she's not looking.

Albert says...I fit here. Real good.  Also.  I made all the dirty footprints below and I'm never cleaning them up

Albert says...no thanks, just looking.

Albert says...why, yes that is my fur all over the protective sheet and if you look underneath the protective sheet, you'll find I put some there as well.

Albert wants you to have a safe flight.  And hopes you get a window seat.

Albert says...I didn't do it.  I know I look guilty but that's just cos I only have one eye.  Do you remember when I had two eyes?  Now, who looks guilty?

Albert says...these are my feets!

Albert says...look at me, I'm reclining.  Take my picture!

Albert says...this arm belongs to me.  You can tell because I have clamped it to me with my claws.  In a loving gesture.

Albert wants to wish you a happy new year.

Albert says...this is not me, this is Gus.  Gus is deeply embarrassed at being caught in a compromising position.  They're not dating, it's just casual.

Albert says...you have my undivided attention.  I am focused, my chakra's are aligned and I am only a little bit asleep

Gus says...I am playing with Lego. 

Gus says...can you see my problem area?

*FYI - head did get stuck in cat flap.  On reflection, the better option would have been to extend arm out through flap.  Head was pushing it....

This Week's Life Plan...

I've come up with a new life plan. I do this pretty regularly but I don't tell everyone about it because I'm too busy discussing things like fitted sheets which are more important. But this is a pretty good one. I'm going to put all my stuff in storage and run away to Mexico where I will buy a bar* and watch someone else run it.

I will have my own sun lounger and my waiters will bring me drinks and guacamole all day long. I will not exercise or eat right and I will need a beach buggy for those days when I drink too much to walk**. Yoga will be me climbing in and out of my sun lounger - this sounds simple but after a lot of beer and tequila, it has to be approached carefully.  Getting in should be no problem but will have to deploy the rear exit method to get out.  Let's call it downward dog.  And hope for the best.

I'll be taking one bag and Albert. My friend is picking me up and she has one bag and a Chihuahua mix. According to her, he will have no issues crossing the border because he is already half-Mexican. So now I have to change Albert's middle name (Nigel) to Juan. I will hereafter be known as Juanita. Mother of Albert Juan. Finlayson.

My friend wants to go halves*** on the bar so she bought a couple of lottery tickets. Safe to say this plan is a go.  Just waiting on the curb for my friend to pick me up

This photo is not quite how I envisioned it as I wanted a graphic depiction of what is going to happen but (a) homeless guy was not available to take picture outside (b) Albert refused to go outside. Also this is not actually my bag but since we're conceptually visualizing this, let's just go ahead and pretend I have a Burberry.  In case you didn't notice, I used my graphic design skills to seamlessly blend the photos together.

We think we will stay until we run out of money, then come back and sell something.  I have a kidney, possibly some fertile eggs, bone marrow and blood. She has a house.

*I will be buying this with no money.
**However I am not condoning drinking and beach buggying. 
***Technically not halves since I am not using money since I have none and even my math skills know that when you buy a bar with nothing and you go halves on nothing with someone, you will end up with $2.3 million.

Things That Are A Mystery...To Me

1. Fitted sheets. Now, granted I would rather have fitted sheets when I'm sleeping than regular ones that come with me whenever I turn over, but when they're off the bed, I don't want to know them. I know I can YouTube a video on how to fold them properly but let's be honest, it's a lot quicker to roll them in a ball and hide them in your linen cupboard until you need them.
2. Putting the duvet inner into the duvet cover. I can do a Single but give me Queen and above and there will be tears. I have to physically climb into the cover holding the ends of the inner, stretching out flat so I reach both ends and then backing out carefully*.
3. Dry cleaners. I cannot for the life of me figure out how they can push a button and all those garments on the conveyor belts rotate around until my clothes stop right in front of me. It's magic.  I think there is a lot of science involved in this part.  Physics possibly.
4. Eggs.  Eggs are very complicated.  Except hard boiled eggs. I get those right every time. 
5. Tamales.  I think what goes into them is a bit dodgy.  I can't seem to identify the insides.
6. CD players that can have more than one CD loaded into them at a time**.  This one time, I had a car*** and I would put a CD into the player and it would eat it up.  So I would put another one in and then after a while, I had no more CD's left.  And I would get in and a different band would be playing than when I got out and it was very confusing.  Until someone pointed out that I had a 6CD player.  I still don't know how to get them out but will use that as a selling point when it's time to let the car go. "2003 Mazda 6S (S for Sport) - comes with alternative paint job on rear bumper, cool boy-racer exhaust/muffler**** sound and 6 CDs".
7. Taxes. And why I have to pay them.  Every year I do mine with Turbo Tax and my eyes closed.  You win some, you lose some.
8. Time Zones.  Today, it is tomorrow and several hours ahead somewhere. Unless it is yesterday and several hours behind some other place.  Try explaining that to a small child and not looking crazy.  Or a cat.
9. The Lottery. How come I never win?  Seems a very unfair system.
10. Sewing. Why get an expensive machine when staples and tape will do the same job.

*I'm pretty sure there is going to be a bunch of you that will give me most excellent tips on how to do 1 and 2. Don't. I've got a system now. It's not perfect and sometimes there is cursing and open wounds but if you come and stay, it will look perfect. Just don't touch anything or look underneath.
**I realize this is now a bit obsolete but it's a step up from the CD player in the trunk/boot so I think I'm still relevant...
***I still have this car.  If you want to buy it, I am selling it for a lot of money.  It's totally worth it. 
****And smell.  Think these two pieces of the car might be the same?

What Happened Yesterday

Very little. There was an accident that resulted in my not getting out of bed until 5pm. It was fantastic. You know why I can do that? Because I have no responsibilities - no kids, no partner, no chores* demanding my attention. For a short period of time there was a cat howling outside the door demanding attention but I just turned over. I knew he'd be there when I got up. Sure enough, open the door, he fell right in. There's a lesson right there. Don't sleep hard up against a door - at some point it will be opened and you will look stupid.

After getting up, I made myself some breakfast. At 5pm. Because I can. Did a couple of handstands. I'm on a mission but that's another post. Then made my way to the couch where it was time to kick back and relax a little. Turned on the Golden Globes, criticized all the dresses, did my own version of the cut-off music by clapping when I'd had enough of the speeches.

Thought about showering but am in the process of saving the planet so...you're welcome.  Cut to the end of the day, which comes around all too quickly when you get up at 5pm, and I realize not being productive, wallowing in your own filth and just not caring about what people think, leads to a most excellent day.  Let's do this again.  Tomorrow.  At work.

*Well I had chores but I resolved to sleep in my own filth for one more day, not vacuum for one more day, just eat whatever was in the fridge that was passable and wear all the clothes that I'd already gotten out and put on the floor.  For easy access.

Do You Know What Love Is?

Love is picking up your cat, tipping him upside down, listening to him purr and watching him pump his little legs like he's riding a bike because the act of you holding him is ecstasy.

Love is having him lick the salt off your face when you've been crying*, then watching him go pfft, pfft with his tongue, trying to spit the taste out because he accidentally got some of your expensive moisturizing lotion. But still coming back for more.

Love is having him sit as close as possible to you without caring about whether you've put on weight, instead embracing the fact that there is more lap to go around.

Love is him waking up the instant you use the "come here' voice, making a beeline for you and being thrilled that you called. No complaints about being disturbed and ordered to do something. Just huge excitement.

Love is him turning around 1000 times on my lap before getting comfortable because he thinks he's in it for the long haul and wants to get his spot just right.

Love is having him look adoringly at my face regardless of wrinkles or age**.

Love is your cat sprinting to meet you the instant you open the door but playing it cool on alternate days so you don't get a fat head or over estimate your importance.

Love is being welcomed home by your cat after leaving them for a week while you went on vacation. With no recriminations. And not even complaining when they accidentally got stowed away with the luggage after the unpacking***.

Love is having him help with the laundry by lying all over it. But only when it's clean****.

Love is being greeted the instant you step out of the shower by winding around your legs until they are covered in black hairs. Actually this isn't love, this is just annoying.

Love is hiding under the couch when a burglar comes but hissing and lunging at small children that visit. Wait. Not love. This is erratic, unexplainable behavior.

Love is ignoring the cat lady jokes that are sure to follow...and by love I mean, I will not scratch***** anyone's eyes out for making such comments, because the new me loves everyone.  Mostly.  Except for some of you.

*Not me because I don't cry. I'm too brave. And crying is for girls.
**He has poor eyesight. Also, only one eye. So doesn't really have a leg to stand on when it comes to criticism. And just to be clear, he has all his legs. I'm only responsible for the eye.
***Not really my fault - he climbed in when I wasn't looking and I got him out as soon as I heard the crying from the closet. Possibly, he was making a point. At the wrong end of the journey.
****The fact that I didn't yell (Much. For very long) at him shows I love him. This is a reverse love example.
*****Pun intended 

Patience. And Dating

1. You must patiently wait for him never to call.
2. You must patiently wait for him not to show up to your date.
3. You must repeat 1 and 2 many, many times.
4. You must patiently wait for it to be your turn*
5. You must patiently wait for him to notice you.  And then you must pretend not to see him.
6. You must patiently wait for someone to buy you a drink.  And then you will get your own because you are very thirsty.
7. You must patiently wait for him to realize that he is in love with you.  Even though you knew it when you first met.
8. You must patiently wait for love to come to you**
9. You must patiently wait for him to have the really great idea that you told him about last week.
10. You must patiently wait for a compliment.  And be satisfied with "Your arse doesn't look as big in that dress as the other one."
11. You must patiently wait for diamonds. But first you will get a lot of other shit that is not diamonds.  
12.  You must patiently wait for the right one.  However, if he doesn't come along or he's too stupid to know that he is the right one, any old one will do.

*It's never going to be your turn. But, good job waiting. 
**Sometimes love looks like cake.

Offences That Have Been Committed Against Me since 2013

• So, this morning when I went out to my car - this was on it.

Now, granted, it was parked between an Audi and a BMW but still...it's only ten years old and with a bit of tender loving care*, it could look ok.  Just needs a wash, a hole in the exhaust fixed and the bumper repainted (I might stretch to the wash...).  But, I really think the problem and the reason they left this was the car mats.  They need to be replaced.

• Last night, I was making dinner and Albert sneaked up behind me and sat down.  Like right behind me.  And then I accidentally stepped on him.  And he squawked.  And made me feel bad.  This was wrong of him.
• AT&T Technical Support made me lose my temper countless times and last night (after stepping on my cat), I threatened to leave them. They seem to be okay with this.  I'm going to need a Plan B. In the meantime, I have filed a grievance against them and issued a summons which I have placed on my cable box.  That'll learn them.
• I exercised and a pilates spring pinged me. And it hurt.  And that's why people quit pilates.  And exercise.
• I left instructions for my house cleaner to put away my bowl of Xmas decorations.  And she didn't.  Also, I don't have a house cleaner
• This guy asked for my number last week and he hasn't called me. I have unfriended him from my mind and he is banned.  Also, I don't remember what his name is so I am calling him "dumb security guy".  If I was calling him. Which I am not because I'm not talking to him.
• There will probably be more but it's early days.  2014 has not started well.

*I gave it a "pat pat" and words of encouragement and it's a whole new car. Well, not whole.  And not new.  But a much more positive outlook.

Things Not To Do On A Cruise Ship

1. Get on.  Especially if you see children. Just get off. Immediately. And take all the adults with you.  Let that boat sail off with just children on board.  You'll thank me later.
2. Buy the pre-paid drinks package. When you do the math*, you will realize that you just need to drink 7 drinks every night to make it worth your while. You will worry about the 15 drink maximum being a little low until after the first night when you realize you made it to 3.
3. Make conversation with the nice old guy at the bar next to you. You will then spend the next six days dodging him.  Even though he has a pool in the OC and you are allowed to use it any time.
4. Gamble. Except if you are me and you win $450 after one button push. I am so good at gambling.  I don't know what all the fuss is about.  Gambling is easy.
5. Gamble. If you are me and you don't know how to play Blackjack because there are a lot of mathematical equations. And people are very impatient and will not wait for you to get out your calculator. And counting cards is not as easy as it's cracked up to be**. 
6. Swim in the kids pool.  In the kids pool, there is water, children...and other stuff.
7. Drugs.  The fact that I had to put that on the list says something.
8. Be late back to the ship after being in port all day.  And definitely don't try and smuggle tequila on board. And definitely don't say that you're late back because you were trying to smuggle tequila on board.
9. Follow the sexy guitar player around and make friends with his family.  Pretty safe to say I am on their Xmas card list.  But banned from being within 25ft of him.  Which is fine because he can still hear me and see me waving.  And stuff.
10. Wait until your friend is in the bathroom before you decide you have to vomit.  Because then you have two options - (a) do it over the side, which does not lead to the ocean below. Just the next deck.  And the life boats. Or (b) use the trash can.  Lets just say - a little of column a and a little of column b.
11. Take all your bags to the lifeboat drill.  Apparently, if there is an accident and you have to leave the ship, you cannot bring your bags with you.  Not even your carry-on.  Which is unreasonable because that has my hair straightener and I need that. 
12. The old guy that looks like he was the drummer for Steppenwolf***. 
13. Try and go to the front of the line.  There are very strict rules about standing in line and line etiquette and whatever you do, don't try and save a sun-lounger for your friend who just went to the bathroom.  Cruise-goers are professionals at muttering under and over their breath.  Also they will throw you overboard if they don't get their way
14. Sing along with the Piano Bar player.  You might know all the words to Bohemian Rhapsody but that doesn't mean you should sing them in public.  You also will think you know the words to La Bamba until you actually try and sing it in public.  "Blah, blah, blah blah La Bamba...something, something soy marinero...yada yada, bam bam bamba..."
15. Win at the casino. Let me tell you, when you lose, you will get chocolate covered strawberries, cookies and wine.  You win.  Nothing.  Well, the money you won but definitely no thanks for playing.

*Don't panic, someone else actually did the math.  When I did it, I had us coming out with a profit and bonuses.
**Also, I don't know what to count - the actual cards, the numbers on the cards, the people at the table, the drinks I am not drinking? 
***Also, he will take your hands and twirl you around.  And then your hands will smell like old man and you will have to hold them at a distance until you can scrub old man smell off them.  And people will wonder why you are strange

Things I heard While Out Walking Yesterday

1. A mother trying to get her teenage son to smile for a photo. Her mistake was removing the classic yet proven "cheese" and replacing it with "bathroom sex!" To her surprise, this had the opposite effect. He most certainly was not planning on going home with them and had a nice line in evasion until he got caught by his Dad and they had a discussion. Not that I was following them. For very long.
2. My dog loves Crate and Barrel. In my opinion, her dog was somewhat indifferent to Crate and Barrel. Also, I don't think he had a very good eye for design.
3. But, I don't want to. I don't either.
4. My balloon popped. An initial look of surprise, what the hell just happened and then screaming and crying. You're right. I shouldn't have popped it. It's not up to me to teach life lessons. But life is fleeting. And so are balloons. Which was not actually the lesson I was going for - more, hold your balloon closer to you otherwise it will get popped.
5. What is this called? Sushi? What is that? It's rolled-up rice.  I wanted to go everywhere with these people.  It was like they were newborns.  They weren't from here...