If You're Happy And You Know It...

Keep it to yourself.  And definitely no clapping of hands. 

How about "If you're in a pissy mood and you know it - take it out on other people."  Or

"If you're dirty and you know it - take a shower."  Or

"If you're a cat and you know it - meow."  Sing along with me.

"If you're stupid and you know it - you probably don't because you're stupid."  Or

"If you're an actor and you know it - you probably live in LA."  And finally because it's Friday and I'm tapped out...

"If you're rich and you know it - send me money." 
  

Attempting To Make You Laugh With One Sentence...And Then I Got Bored Because It Wasn't Funny. But I Put It Up Anyway...

Some days I just say #Supercallifragalicantspellthis*

I have a "leave me alone or I'll bite you" complex**.

I once participated in a lip synching group, people either loved us or hated us - or they thought we were ok.

I think that if your Facebook relationshop status says "It's Complicated", it might be because your boyfriend is from the future and just hasn't arrived yet.***

You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.**** 

Today I thought I might exercise so I had a bit of a lie down until it passed.

Not all people are annoying - some are dead.  

*Apparently it is defined as something to say when you have nothing to say. I use it in meetings all the time. Sometimes with interpretative dance. Have yet to be fired so I think it's really getting the point across. Which is that I know nothing and have nothing to say.
**Similar to my niece who used to hiss at people trying to compliment her on how adorable she was. We're clearly related. And not just because we're both adorable.
***Actually I think it means you are single and a stalker.
****Anyone else remember this saying? Was the most cutting thing I had in my repertoire for quite a while...

Cat. Free To Good Home

I've reached my limit with Albert this week. Not only has he pooped inside the house despite having a perfectly good cat ramp to use to get outside, he brought me what appears to be parts of a dead baby bird at 3am.   

It could have been a grown-up bird that he scalped but I think it just hadn't developed all its feathers yet.  It certainly hadn't developed any evasion or flight skills if it managed to be captured by a one-eyed, special needs cat.  

The last straw was spending an hour vacuuming up all his fur, brushing him to remove any sheddable* excess and getting out of the shower only to find he had downloaded all his fur onto the bathmat.  He gave me a look that clearly implied "try getting wet fur off the bottom of your feet" before leaving for the couch, without a backwards glance.

Is anyone interested in a free cat?  He's very clean, well-trained, loves nature...only has one eye but both ears and all four legs.  Slight heart murmur.  And a bit snorey** at times.

*Spellcheck says this is not a word.  For the record, Spellcheck also says spellcheck is not a word so I'm not inclined to believe something so contradictory.  Therefore, it is a word.
**Spellcheck also doesn't like this word.  Frankly I'm inclined to agree.

Flowers

My car got married.  Also.  Not my car.

Memorial Day

Today is Memorial Day in America. Which means we pay tribute to all those who died while serving in the Armed Forces. It also means I get a day off. To really honor these brave people, we should be thinking about them every day. Therefore every day should be a day off. You can't argue with logic.

Killing Fleas

Last night I was lying on the couch when I noticed a flea on my calf*. I watched for about 5 minutes trying to figure out how to catch the little bugger. Really the only way to kill them is to squish them between your nails and break them in two. I had my knife from dinner beside me and briefly considered rearing up and trying to stab it before I remembered that my leg was involved in this operation and it didn't want to participate with knives. You can't move too much because they hop away and then you've lost them until the next time they reappear and bite you.

So I carefully engaged my core and pulled myself up in a sit-up, careful not to move a muscle. Brought my fingers in close to the blighter and pinched him hard. That freckle will not be bothering anyone anytime soon.

*Don't judge. Your kids probably have lice.

A Semi-Public* Safety Announcement

For those of you have come to stay with me, you will no doubt have encountered this.

It's the corner of the bed in my spare room. Last week, due to the heat, I slept in the spare room and it attacked me on multiple occasions.  The bleeding has now stopped and it's left me with an impressive set of bruises. I tell you what, statue in the corner at yoga, this bed corner will give you a run for your money.  In the middle of the night when this thing gets you, there is a lot of panic, confusion and WTF was that?  The first night I thought I'd been stabbed and dropped to the ground to roll under the bed and get away from my attacker.  Somewhat thwarted by all the other shit under the bed and the low base upon which I smacked my head leading me to believe there were two attackers that had somehow managed to get past the seemingly impenetrable wall that is Albert**.

• The bed corner can see in the dark. You can not
• The bed corner is sober. You are not. Well sometimes but it leaves you alone then.
• The bed corner does not need to pee in the middle of the night. Well, you get the picture.

*Obviously not entirely public, I can't have any old Tom, Dick and Harry showing up looking for a spare room.
**Fired. He didn't even come and attend to my screams.  Apparently he was "too tired" to get up...

Dear Nike Fuel Band...

I've had enough of your shit. All you do is make me feel bad with your little flashing light reminders:

1. "Go Kirsten" - I'd like to but I'm in a meeting and it feels inappropriate to drop and give you 20.
2. "Go Kirsten" - I can't. I don't want the frosting to fall off.
3. "Go Kirsten" - I can't. I'm not supposed to run with a glass in my hand
4. "Go Kirsten" - I would but then I'd have to get up and the couch and I are bonding.
5. "Go Kirsten" - I'm hearing voices. Not very inspirational ones.

I think you and I might be done.

Exactly.  But with a Fuel Band.  And no baking.  Fuel Bands don't allow cookies.

A Week

You can try anything for a week without too many adverse effects.

• Juicing
• Fasting
• Cutting out cake*
• Dating not quite Mr Right
• Going to work
• Driving on the wrong side of the road (not recommended but with skill, it can be done)
• Marijuana
• Crop tops
• Crocs
• Sardines (But I wouldn't.  I'd wear a crop top with Crocs to work before I ate sardines).  

Except Heroin.  

*Not entirely convinced about this one. While it might not be detrimental to my health, it will be very painful for those around me.

Bar Thoughts

Sometimes I go and sit in a bar and not make friends and I often think to myself "Thank goodness I ordered the chicken, so much more talkative than the beef".

And So Zombie Week Comes To An End

I think we can all agree, the inaugural Zombie week was a huge success. You're all still alive, aren't you? I think you have me to thank for that. Please post your thank you checks ASAP. Just in case there is an apocalypse and I don't have time to go buy that dress that I need. What? I can't look good for Zombies?

For those that are interested in reading more about Zombies, below is some material you might like to check out:

1. My blog.  Mon - Fri.  This week. 

At the beginning of the week I thought this idea of themed blog post weeks was an excellent idea.  But turns out now I am just bored.

What To Do When You Meet A Zombie

Some basic survival tips from a Zombie Survival Expert*.

• When a Zombie approaches, curl up in the fetal position and start keening. Or get up and run away. You have time to try them both out, Zombies don't have a lot of pace. See what fits you best. Just know that only one of these has the potential for survival for a little bit longer.
• When trying to kill a Zombie, don't get confused with vampires and aim a stake at their heart. Zombies are the undead, they're technically already dead so this can be confusing, especially when they bite you and it feels very real. Remember, a Zombie might be undead but you have to make them even more dead. Like dead to the power of three. You have to take out their brain** and I don't actually mean remove it from their head. That's very time consuming and likely to result in your death. You need to drive a pick-axe or some other sharp object into the brain so that it's destroyed. I find this somewhat ironic since Zombies aren't known for their intelligence and yet the brain is what keeps them going. Vampires aren't known for their kind hearts and yet that's what keeps them going. Whoever made all this stuff up had some very flawed logic.
• Don't make friends with a Zombie. And definitely don't fall in love with one. For all you cat ladies out there, this isn't actually your Plan B. It's Plan Terrible Choice.
• Learn to move like a Zombie. This is a no-brainer for when you get stuck in your local Zombie crowd and you need to blend in. I know all the kids these days feel sorry for those of us that didn't grow up with the iPhone etc but we grew up with Thriller so we already know how to do this. What are they going to do? Use their iPhone and call Ghostbusters? Oh wait, they didn't grow up with them either. Technology doesn't help you when you're about to be eaten.
• Keep it together. If you panic, you'll be one of the first to go. Zombies can smell fear. Also your trigger finger will be shaky and you'll miss the brain. And you won't come across very well in front of the ladies. Ladies, it's cool, you can lose your shit. The real men will save you***.
• Arm yourself. You may never have shot a gun before but when you're faced with a drooling mob of Zombies, you'll learn pretty quick. Get as many grenades, sub-machine guns, shotguns, rifles and bazookas as you can get your hands on. Try Wal-Mart. Failing that, shovels, pick-axes, knives and ice picks will do. If you don't have any of that, possibly a kite, squirt gun or some other toy will do****
• Reconsider where to base yourself. Small towns will have less people and therefore less infected people so less Zombies to fight. Also, when everyone else is dead and you are last man standing, you will be able to proclaim yourself Mayor. And you will own that town.
• Get supplies. See my Earthquake post as all of these same things apply. Earthquakes - Zombies, same same. Make a list and divide it up amongst your team. "I'll get the cake if you can get everything else."
• Go to higher ground.  No, wait that's a Tsunami.  If you go to higher ground in a Zombie ApApocalypse, they will go there too.  But at least you'll all be safe when the Tsunami hits.
• Some recommend searching for survivors after the initial onslaught as apparently after a Zombie Apocalypse, you can get very lonely. We only have "I am Legend" to go on and I don't know about you but I don't think that movie was based on a true story. Anyway, I don't think I will get lonely, I am very well versed in hanging out by myself and I find that I am excellent company. I also don't want anyone touching my stuff.

*In addition to all the other things I am now calling myself. I am now calling myself a Zombie Survival Expert. Based on nothing.
**This is an actual fact. I got it off the internet. So it's real.
***You're all going to die.
****Just kidding. A kite? Really? What do you think you're going to do with that? Do you have visions of you on the beach with your Zombie flying a kite together? You're dead right out of the gate.

Who To Pick To Be On Your Team

When the Zombie Apocalypse comes, do you know who you want on your team?

Pick these:

1. Me - I always want to be picked first. I am useless except for crosswords. Think this is a valuable skill*
2. All the strong men. And not just cross-fit strong. Rugby strong with some speed under them. They need to be able to carry me when we are running away from the zombies. 
3. Handymen.  So they can repair plumbing** and other handyman things.  
4. Survivalists.  Once the food goes from the supermarkets, we will need these people to forage for us.  And then build us a bivouac*** and then cook our food. And maybe serve it to me too.  I don't need a tablecloth though.  I can rough it a little bit.
5. Beauticians.  No reason to let ourselves go.
6. A handful of feeble useless people with no skills  - we'll throw them at the zombies one at a time when we're being attacked to slow them down****.  
7. Vegetarians.  When we run out of food, us meat eaters won't be squeamish about eating them*****. 
8. Not technically people but necessary.  Big Macs.  And or Twinkies.  They never rot.  
9. Weapons specialist.  I'm thinking Robin Hood or Green Arrow with their bow and arrows, Jason and his chainsaw, GI Joe and his Heckler & Koch MP7A1 Sub-machine gun, Optimus Prime, Yeti and/or Chewbacca and Harry Potter******.  Also, the Mad Butcher (local guy in New Zealand but definitely would know how to cut a Zombie) 
10. Pets.  I think, and I'm pretty sure I know what I'm talking about, that once your pet gets bitten he/she becomes a Zombie pet that you can then keep on a leash and use to attack Zombies. No pets are exempt from this (except maybe fish) - imagine a herd of zombie birds, rabbits, hamsters, snakes (hard to keep on a leash), dogs and cats.  Maybe even a horse. You could get Cesar Millan, the Dog Whisperer to keep them all in line.  Especially the hamsters.  I heard they turn into alpha zombie hamsters if you give them too much leeway. 

My Zombie animal army.  Yeah, that's right, it's a zombie carrot.  Rabbit wouldn't be in the gang without his carrot friend.  Later on that evening, he ate him.  Zombies can't be friends.

Don't Pick these:

1.  Martial artists.  It's no good trying to kick a zombie to death, they'll just grab your leg and eat it.  Besides it seems like martial arts involve a lot of physical contact and no one really wants to get too close to a zombie, do they?  I'm not sure of the rules about zombies but I'm pretty sure that if you touch their flesh you die*******.  Maybe one of the sword toting martial arts might be acceptable.  Or if you can do that thing where you break a block of wood with your head.  You might impress a Zombie who will then let you go.  But I heard that they're hard to impress.
2. Children.  They'll just slow you down and eat your food.  You can always make more later 
3. Old people.  For the above reason.  You can't make more but you will eventually turn into one and then you'll get it.  If you haven't already been eaten.
4. Pacifists.   You can't reason with a Zombie.  You extend an olive branch and not only will you not have your olive branch but you won't have your hand either.  Don't know that I'd be very pacific after that.  Feel like that is not the correct use of the word "pacific" but it's an Apocalypse, I can't be stopping to deal with grammar.
5. Doctors.  They're no good to you.  Once you've been bitten, it's no good binding the wound or stitching it up.  You're infected.   You may as well take yourself off to the nearest vet and ask to be put down.  It's the responsible thing to do.
6. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  First of all, they're teenagers and therefore unreliable.  Secondly, they're already mutant so who is to say they're not secretly in league with the Zombies.  Third, they're not real and therefore useless in a fight against real things.  Like Zombies.
7. Positive people.  Even though you picked the best possible team, it is unlikely that you will survive for long.  You don't need this kind of false sense of security.  Sub-category: Annie.  The Sun will not come out tomorrow.  Because you will be dead. 
8. Negative people.   Whilst you are about to die, you don't need this kind of negativity in your life.
9. Your best friend.  Sooner or later, it's going to come down to you or them.  And it will never be you.  And you don't need that kind of guilt.  You have enough to deal with.
10. Accountants.  Sorry, but what do we need them for?   It's an Apocalypse.  There are no taxes. Want to calculate the number of people dead and the impact on the economy?  

Answer: No idea.  We didn't pick the Accountants.

 *Tis.
**Just because there has been a Zombie Apocalypse does not mean we have to live like animals. 
***Except for me because I will be living in the house that the aforementioned handyman built for me.  With a safe room. Only the people I like can live there with me.  Come on in, Albert.
****It's an Apocalypse, people.  This is no time to be a bleeding heart.  Remember, survival of the fittest.  And me.
*****Maybe a little bit.  I heard we taste like chicken.
******Yes, I realize these "specialists" are not real.  Unlike Zombies.  A little artistic license, please
*******Actually think this might be a lie.  I vote that the Vegetarians test it

********Think this asterisk system is getting out of control.

How To Know If You Are A Zombie

Based on all my research and scientific data gathered from my head, I've come up with a definitive "Are you a Zombie" flow chart. It takes you through a quantitative and qualitative process using key trigger questions that allow you to input answers that then use a number of hyperbolic criteria to analyze and synthesize the results in a calibrated environment*.

This is actually a terrible way to find out if you are a Zombie. There are way too many variables. Also, I am unsure if Zombies can read. Apologies, I thought this would be more helpful than it is. More research required. Does anyone have a Zombie I can borrow?

*I think this is clear.
**Adding Zombie specialist to my resume.

Zombies - A Definitive Guide

This week is Zombie week. I really want to do vampires which are much sexier but I don't want to jump on the vampire band wagon and be like everyone else. I bet you didn't know it was Zombie Week. It's a pretty big deal. All kinds of things planned - seminars, training*. All over the world people will be participating in Zombie Week. Except for the all over the world part. And the people part. It's just Zombie Week** on my blog. Nowhere else.

Right, finished first post about Zombie Week and managed to write almost nothing about Zombies. I think we'll call this a success.

*Actually no.
**Which could all change if (a) I get bored (b) can't think of anything to write and (c) get eaten by a Zombie.

Mother's Day

Mother's Day in New Zealand falls on the same day as it does here in the US, unlike Father's Day. I don't know why you put them so close together, 'merica. We spread 'em out a little more so we can save up our money and give our parents a chance to improve. It does make it easier to remember than Father's Day since I've been bombarded with suggestions and advertising for a good month now. 

Unfortunately, not everyone delivers to New Zealand which is the only reason why Mum is not getting a lovely new car. The only reason. Remember, it's the thought that counts. I know you thought you were getting a lovely new car but sadly you are not.

I've been leaving hints for Albert all over the place. I over-estimated him though and they were a little too subtle. So now I have resorted to leaving him a list. In turn he left me a list of things he would like to have:

• The ability to read.

Don't think either of us is getting what we wanted. So I guess, we'll do what we always do. Buy myself some earrings from the cat. Can't wait until he can afford diamonds.

Jobs I Have Had - Part 1

I've been working since I was a small child.  Sadly, I only started getting paid from about age 13 (first job below doesn't really count since I hardly call that getting paid) as we had to do a lot of things "for love". Like dishes, cleaning bedrooms, mowing lawns, clearing the table etc. You know, the usual kid* stuff. However, since I do feel I excelled at it, I should have been on salary. Must remember to bring that up next time I'm home and see if I can't get some kind of back-pay**...

Job 1: Delivering pamphlets*** - this was a complete scam.  It involved 100 pamphlets, a lot of hills and minimal salary (1c/pamphlet). Did not do the math first. Well, did do the math first but got a much larger number more along the lines of what a CEO would earn. Feel that position and salary were somewhat misrepresented.

Job 2: Babysitting - despite everyone's surprise, I did not lose a single kids' eye while under my care.  Pretty lucrative and you soon learn to say no to the ones that don't provide snacks and don't believe in children being in bed by 6pm.

Job 3: Cafe - this was a cafe by day and Italian restaurant by night.  I was a day worker.  What do I remember about this job? Going into work early in the dark, my foot falling in a hole and cutting my leg open, right on the shin.  Being super tough****, I worked through my shift before going to the doctor to have it sewn up. By that time, it was too late and he couldn't do anything about it.  I was left with a pretty meaty scar that ruined my modelling***** career.  Walking to work is hazardous.

Job 4: Library - probably one of my favorite jobs.  I was hired to shelve books after school for a couple of hours in the town library.  I mastered the art of shelving and reading at the same time.  Try it.  It's not for everyone.

But wait - there's more. Just not today.

*Rebuilding the family car engine, building a house, hosting a banquet, upgrading the computer's hard drive. Just kidding. There were no computers back then.
**Right. Have just checked with Mum and that's not going to be an option. Probably won't go home for a while, it didn't seem that well-received...
***Feel like I might have mentioned this before, however am too lazy to go back and check and am sure none of you thought it important enough to remember.  Would probably save some time if I did go back and copy paste. But then there's the lazy thing again. What to do, what to do??
****Take note, America. Kiwi's. Very tough. You only have to see our rugby player's complete lack of protective gear to know this.
*****Did not have a modelling career

How I Would Emcee A Wedding In America

(Just going to start by getting the crowd on my side.  Warm them up with a little familiarity).

"Can y'all understand me? I said y'all so you would feel more at home in your country with a foreigner talking to you. English is my first language. I'm often congratulated on my excellent grasp of it. But enough about me. No, really I couldn't possibly go on...oh ok, maybe just a quick summary". (No actual signs of interest but I think these people under-estimate how much I don't care). 

Wish I'd thought to do a PowerPoint presentation.   Ooh, with a laser pointer!

"Well, I was born not very long ago because I'm still very young and I'm extremely beautiful and successful. As is my one-eyed cat." (Seeing some signs of (a) disbelief (b) boredom (c) complete lack of understanding or comprehension of my native tongue and (d) incredulity that I've managed to work a cat into the speech (I know, right?)  

(I think this is going well, I don't need those people to stay.  They really weren't contributing anything.  And they're ugly.  I hope they weren't part of the bridal party.  Maybe they were brought in to make the bride and groom look better.  Gonna take more than that.  I'll just keep going, maybe throw in a joke).  

(Right, well that was a mistake.  Tough crowd.  Granted, wasn't my best joke - punchline, smunchline - but at least I'm keeping it clean.  There are children present, people.  God - who brought children?  Better take out the part later on where I say fuck, fuck, fuckety fuck.  Or not.  Maybe this is my chance to be a parent - en masse.  They'll thank me later.  I'm an excellent parent, look how well I raised my cat.  And his eye).

"I'd like to thank everyone for coming. Especially those that have come a long way. And since I am not even from here, I probably came the furthest, so I'd like to thank myself. Good job, self." (Too much me?  Ridiculous.  There can never be too much me.) 

"Can we all just reflect for a moment on how this all came to be?" (Wonder how this came to be?).  Let's raise a glass to the happy couple.  I said, let's raise a glass.  Dang it.  Can anyone translate for me?  Oh you got 'dang it' but you can't put two and two together when I raise my glass?" (I've never done this before, but look how good I am at it.  I think I've found a new business line.  I'm going to end by giving out my name and number in case people need me for Bar Mitzvah's, birthday's etc.  Maybe I should rap it?  I don't know how to rap.  Perfect place to debut my rapping emcee skills. Am sure this will work. I should probably say something else about those people over there as well, the bridey, groomy people.  I might need them for a reference).

Juice Cleanses

Suck.

Last week I did one as an experiment - 8 juices a day for 5 days. Here are the flavors:

1. Mildly yuck with a spicy finish
2. Yuck yuck yuckety yuck
3. Passable but will kill any disease within you.  Death by extreme ginger
4. Vomity yuck
5. Yuck with a hint of gagging
6. Yuck and don't smell it
7. Mouthwashy yuck
8. Vegetable lemonade does not make it sound more palatable. Just be honest and call it a bottle of yuck

Spent a lot of time looking in the mirror to see if my skin was glowing. It wasn't. Possibly I couldn't see through the blinding pain in my head caused by the cruel separation of me and my sugar and/or caffeine.

By Wednesday I was unable to leave the house for fear of food falling in my mouth.


So this went well...prefer to go hungry than finish some of these.  Big bottles of gross.

On the plus side - I lost 400lbs. True story*

*Except for the part about being true.

Why I Hate Mondays

This is how I deal with my problems.  I get a fighting cat.  With two eyes.

1. They're not Fridays.
2. No one reads my blog on Mondays.
3. I have no thoughts on Mondays - used up all my brain power just getting out of bed.
4. Who doesn't? If you love Monday's, we can't be friends. In fact, I hate you. Not same same people.
5. Monday's hate me. They're out to get me from the moment I wake up. Monday has a mean streak.
6. I look like I was dragged out of bed - the hair that seemed so "beachy" on Sunday is, what's the word? Ugly.
7. I have to put on my grown-up clothes. I'm not old enough.
8. Monday's last 67%* longer than other days.
9. I have to start my diet again. Luckily, if I mess it up today**, I can wait until next Monday to start over.
10. It's actually impossible to start anything before noon on Mondays***.
11. Sunday night: I'm starting to feel sick tomorrow.
12. Here's a list of things I'd like to do today:

*Confirmed fact. By me. And my calculator. Into which I put 67%.
**I reviewed the statistics on this and by my calculations, there is 117% probability of this happening. Although I was somewhat surprised by the 17%. But there's no arguing with math.
***Depending on your viewpoint, this can be good or bad. I think this is what is known as the law of physics. Yes, that definitely sounds right.

Why I Love Fridays

• They're not Mondays
• They're full of hope...that will be dashed by Sunday
• You're expected to reward yourself for getting through the week in whatever way you see fit. And I do.
• Even though I'm there at work. I'm not there at work
• All that urgent stuff that I was supposed to do on Monday, loses a lot of its importance by Friday. It'll still be there by Monday.
• I have a date with wine. It never lets me down. We're both really committed. I think this is going to work out.

Depending on who is reading this - I may or may not be like this.

Easter

Yes, I realize it was a while ago but I've made a point of writing about all the holidays and since I was on a plane for Easter Sunday and America doesn't give me Good Friday off*, I'm just now remembering it. Which is surprising because the additional tummy roll I just discovered is a direct result of the Easter eggs I ate. Don't worry I'm combating it this week with something that you'll hear about next week. I'm starting Lent** after Easter. Seems to make more sense. 

I always buy Easter eggs for my family, they like the different American ones, and because I like to be organized, I got them way ahead of time and planned to post them to New Zealand a week beforehand. I only had to go back to Target for replacements 4 times. Sometimes organizational skills can be detrimental to your diet.

Easter was kind of a big deal in my family - we grew up doing a bunch of the American traditions of dying eggs and Easter egg hunts because my father was American and he brought those things from his childhood. My brother and I had the baskets we still have today, I don't think he uses it anymore. Probably doesn't think he looks very cool hopping around with a green and yellow basket. Probably right. I still do though.

The Easter egg hunt was awesome because I was the oldest of the cousins and I would find most of the eggs first and then beat them to get them to give me theirs. I love Easter. Then we would have a lot of egg sandwiches. Usually one egg didn't get found. Until next year. I let the brother and cousins have that one.

Nowadays because I live so far away, I usually get Amazon gift cards or scratchies for Easter. Pretty big win this year - texted my brother with the results "Tell mum we have a total winnings of $9. Everyone quit their jobs." His response "Invest it. You can live off the interest."

As I told him, good plan - he always had a better head for numbers than me. We had the same math teacher but clearly he understood more than me.

So that was Easter. For the next week, I'm accepting Easter eggs as payment so don't hold back.

*I'm at the mercy of "The Man". He doesn't want me to eat chocolate. Fascist. Chocolate fascist.  Easter bunny hater.
**Am not entirely sure what this is but think I am unable to eat or use Facebook.