I was going to write a post but...

...then this happened. 

Obviously I can't write. Dropped a drill on my toe. Home renovations are dangerous. So is a drill that falls out of the cupboard because you thought it was a good idea to put it high. Out of the way.  But I am counting my blessings, at least the drill bit didn't pierce my foot.  Also, my bruise matches my polish. So I have that going for me...

It's The Day After The Day After Xmas!

Yeah. I got nothing. So, I'm hoping this will amuse you and make you forget the fact that I got nothing...

It's The Day After Xmas!

Boo! Xmas is over. Back to the diet*. Back to work**. Back to exercising***. Back to behaving****. Back to Baja!*****

*Let's not be too hasty - talk it over with your food baby and pick a date that suits both of you to jump back on the wagon.
**Except for me because I am still on a boat in the ocean. I'm not coming back to work.
***Silly. No.
****Well, trying again.
*****I mean Puerta Vallerta but it didn't roll off the tongue as well. We didn't go to Baja but since I am not getting off the boat, it's a definite possibility.

It's Xmas!

Meri Kirihimete! Or more appropriately since I'm in Mexico "Feliz Navidad"! I have a gift for languages*.

Since it's Xmas Day and I am on a cruise ship, in a food coma, about to have a shipboard romance** and in a bathing suit***, I wish you all the best and thank you for reading. Have a great day all...

*It's kind of a one phrase gift. Which means I can travel internationally. But not very successfully.
**Actually one of these things is not true. Despite best efforts.
***It's a known fact that you can't write while in a bikini. There's nowhere to put your pen.

It's The Day Before Xmas!

I amended a Christmas classic...I'm probably going to hell:

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house cruise ship

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse. (I hope not, I paid good money for this and "no mice" was included).

The stockings were hung by the chimney out the porthole with care,

In hopes that St Nicholas soon would be there (or anyone really, as long as they have gifts. And cake).

The children (I think at 40, that’s pushing it a bit) were nestled all snug in their beds berths (and a bit hot because it’s not exactly snowing out on the Ocean in Mexico),

While visions of sugar-plums (and cake) danced in their heads.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap (please tell me they had something else on),

Had just settled our brains (settled your brains?  Inside or outside of your head?  T’was the night before Zombie Christmas?) for a long winter’s nap (for goodness sake, you’re not bears).

When out on the lawn ocean there arose such a clatter,

I sprang from the bed berth to see what was the matter (not really, when things get dodgy, I get under the bed berth).

Away to the window porthole I flew like a flash (if by flash, you mean I rolled out of bed and crawled over with a short nap along the way, then yes),

Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash (not your regular porthole, clearly).

The moon on the breast (breast - hee hee) of the new-fallen snow/ocean

Gave the luster of mid-day to objects below.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,

But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer (clearly still drunk from earlier).

With a little old driver, so lively and quick (he’s little and old, I think quick is hardly the word),

I knew in a moment it must be St Nick.

More rapid than eagles (feel strongly this is stretching it) his coursers they came,

And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name!

"Now Dasher! Now, Dancer! Now, Prancer and Vixen!

On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donner and Blitzen! (I think we're all ignoring the elephant reindeer in the room.  Where is Rudolph?  Suspect Prancer has something to do with it)

To the top of the porch poop deck! To the top of the wall ship!

Now dash away! Dash away! Dash away all broken hip!" (Well, I needed it to rhyme)

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly (I think that’s a different cruise.  I didn’t sign up for that),

When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky.

So up to the house cruise ship top the coursers they flew,

With the sleigh full of toys (and cake), and St Nicholas too (who was full of cake and making it really quite tiring for the reindeer).

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof deck

The prancing and pawing of each little hoof neck (necks typically don’t make as much of a sound as hooves but they do in this poem and quite frankly, who knows what kind of sound a neck makes when it hits a deck.  Probably a bit crunchy.  And painful.  And not a good way to land).

As I drew in my head, and was turning around,

Down the chimney smoke stack St Nicholas came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fur (and looking a bit sweaty because again, not cold or snowy), from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot (So, I said don’t come any closer because you’re making a mess on the rug).

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back (and it was pretty obvious there wasn’t enough for everyone which was making things a little awkward),

And he looked like a peddler, just opening his pack.

His eyes-how they twinkled! His dimples how merry! (I wish I had dimples)

His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry! (Reminds me of the time I informed my mother that I had a lovely “peaches and cream” complexion and she corrected me with a “No, you’re just ruddy.”)

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,

And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow (because he was freakin’ old).

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth, (maybe something to consider giving up for the New Year?)

And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath (and made everyone cough and he was asked to leave and go to the smoking section).

He had a broad face and a little round belly (well, who doesn’t?),

That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly! (Mmm, jelly.)

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, (hang on, Santa was an elf?  I think this is news to everyone)

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself!

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,

Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread. (Not true, he looked a little shifty dodgy to me)

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,

And filled all the stockings, then turned with a jerk.

And laying his finger aside of his nose, (not up it)

And giving a nod, up the chimney smoke stack he rose! (And it was very hot and burned him badly)

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, (none of them responded initially so he had to do it again and yell at them)

And away they all flew like the down of a thistle. (Thistles are prickly, this seems like a bad example)

But I heard him exclaim, ‘ere he drove out of sight,

"Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good-night!"

I don't know where I'm going to put my new car - do you think they'll let me drive it around the poop deck*? I'm going to eat one of everything.

I hope my gifts have arrived. I'm sorry I ate the good parts. If you got a dictionary from me, it's because of your Facebook posts. You're welcome.

*Is too a real deck.

It's The Day Before The Day Before Xmas!

I'm on a boat. Sailing to Mexico. I am very international. I'm going to come back with the following:

1. A tan
2. A complete grasp of the Spanish Language
3. A Xmas belly
4. My own personal pinata, filled with chocolate, diamonds and a car.
5. Bootleg Tequila*.
6. A baby
7. A baby burrito
8. A zacahuil** - just going to pop it in my suitcase***
9. Chihuahua's from Chihuahua for everyone of my friends. Going to ask for bulk discount. Then pop them in the post.
10. A contract to be a cabaret singer on a cruise ship.****

*Or I might just buy some. I don't want to get arrested in Mexico. They're very threatened by New Zealand so I probably wouldn't last long in prison. Also, I don't know where to get bootleg tequila, I'm not sure of the quality and it just seems easier to buy it...also I don't like it.
**A Mexican tamale, three feet long and weighing about 150 pounds. I might get a dozen.
***Same with the baby. Burrito goes in my handbag for easy access.
****Let's be realistic. The other things probably aren't going to happen.

Decorating Your House At Xmas Time

This is how I decorate my house at Xmas time. I took it at night so you could get the full impact.

That's me on the right.  I turned on my Xmas lights. Also I mostly just call them "my lights".

I'm getting on a cruise ship on Sunday but because I am super amazing and organized,* I have already written all of next week's posts.  You don't want to miss out because they are awesome**.  I'm pretty sure that the interweb is not on the ocean so I'm going to need you to go and look at the posts yourself without a reminder from me on Facebook.  I promise it'll be worth it***.  akaspecialk.blogspot.com - don't make me ask you again.

*My words.
**My opinion
***Not actually true

Ugly Stuff I Have Made and Then Gifted. Sorry.

• Beer can wreath

Who am I kidding - I didn't give this to anyone, this is pure genius.  As was the Pabst beer one I made and gave to the UPS guy.  Tis the season for giving. Also, it was broken.

Hi - don't look at the stain on the floor.  It's your imagination.

• Knitted hats - I basically just knit rows and rows of straight lines and then safety pin the ends together and tuck the top over.  And call it a hat.  That comes untucked. Frequently.  It's not a very good hat. Or knitting.  I hope you never receive one of these. 

There's some gaps...

I wanted to knit one of these for Albert but I'm not that good.  Also he said no.

But only because wool makes him itchy

• A hand-drawn picture.  This is actually the perfect gift.  It's very cheap and people have to appreciate it. Even if it's a bit shit.  Which mine is not. 

Those are hands, not pom poms. My drawing skills have really improved from last week.

• Anyone from NZ that's around my age (which is 25) made a wooden spatula at woodwork class. You did it at Intermediate (middle school) and then again at high school so if there are multiple kids in your family, you will not run out for years.  These make lovely gifts.  Year after year.

Actually I bought this one. I ran out of home made ones.  The end had an accident.

• One year I had the bright idea of buying a really nice glass for my Uncle Bob.  Mum took me to a store and I picked out a lovely little sherry glass.  Not a set. Just the one.  I was on a budget.  I was 8.  In hindsight, it wasn't the most useful gift.  Especially if you had company over.

These are not the only gifts I have bestowed on people. There are others that are much worse. Sadly, I did not take pictures so I will slowly be recreating them in order to share with you.

The best gift idea ever was the scratchies and lottery tickets that Dad gave all of us.  "To SpecialK and her father".  Smart man - covered his bases...

An Amendment to Yesterday's Post

Apparently there are some amendments/clarifications that I needed to make to yesterday's Naughty and Nice lists.

1. Retraction: To the certain nameless person that did not sign contracts when they were supposed to, even though the contract was for them and I went out of my way to make sure they were legally covered. You know who you are. Thanks for signing your contract. You are no longer fired, however you are still on probation and the "do not fly" list. Let's try a little harder in the New Year - no?
2. Replacement: The hammer that landed on my foot - you have been replaced by the drill that stabbed me in the toe.  I suspect collusion but I'm willing to give you the benefit of the doubt.
3. No Change: Parking Nazi person - you're right where you belong.  Forever
4. Niceness: I was exceptionally nice yesterday so I now have a new pretty dress
5. Addition: Cookies - sorry, I totally forgot about you, you should have come after cake.
6. Switch: The Sons of Anarchy.  Apparently this is a TV show and not real so seemed a little unfair
7. Dual Representation: Am putting myself on the naughty list.  In hindsight, I have done some bad things this year - did not work-out every day, did not share my cake, said bad words to other drivers and some other stuff that I can't talk about.  For fear of arrest and my mother's disappointment.

My Naughty and Nice Lists*

Naughty List - if you are on this, you will probably get a sharp stick in the eye. And not from me. From karma. 

1. Parking Nazi person**
2. The dog that attacked Albert
3. The hammer that landed on my foot
4. North Korea
5. Certain nameless people that do not sign contracts when they are supposed to, even though the contract is for them and I have gone out of my way to make sure they are legally covered. You know who you are. Fired.
6. The age 40. Not "a 40", that's perfectly acceptable, especially when drunk out of a paper bag.
7. The last 20lbs.  
8. Blinds***
9. Unicorns - everyone else thinks you're so great but quite frankly, until I see you in person, I prefer Pegasus.
10. Albert.  I'm going to need you to start cleaning up after yourself.  And maybe you could think about getting a job?
11. Running
12. The Sons of Anarchy. I mean I think they're trying but still a lot of killing going on.
13. Karma.  For poking me in the eye with a sharp stick.
14. Wooden floors. Next year, I am not mopping you at all****.  
15. The dogs that live upstairs.  Hi - are you wearing high heels? 
16. Landlords that sell my house.
17. AT&T - I hate that I am paying you for an internet connection that works on a whim.  I would replace you with Time Warner but I just replaced them with you.  Only one of us is happy about that.
18. The orchid that a friend bought for me. It died on purpose.
19. My neighbor who must always do the following (a) watch TV with all windows open, regardless of the temperature (b) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go (c) watch TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed (d) when not watching TV with all the windows open, regardless of the temperature and the sound turned up as high as it can go and always playing the Bourne Ultimatum which I now know word for word even with all my windows closed, playing video games so all I hear is "bang, bang, bang, RELOAD!"
20. The smoke alarm in my hallway. It's always on duty. Especially when nothing is happening.
21. The California Lottery Commission. We had a deal.

Nice List - just because you're on this list it doesn't mean you're getting a gift. It just means you've been very good and I am rewarding you with the gift of my friendship. Or in the case of number 2, I am just going to eat you.

1. Me. Duh. If you would like to contest this.  Don't.  You'll get moved straight up to the list above for 2 years unless you complete the exemption paperwork. In which case I will review at a special hearing but it doesn't look good for you.
2. Cake
3. My fan. Mum.
4. Puppies and or kittens.
5. Albert. Even if you don't vacuum, that was a delicious cup of tea you brought me*****
6. Schmistine - although I suspect she is the reason that Santa has a naughty list.
7. Harry the crossing guard at work. He always compliments me on my outfit except for that one time when he said I looked like a Swedish Pumpkin.  Granted it was Halloween, I am blonde and I was wearing an orange shirt.  I would have preferred Swedish leek. More willowy.
8.  My imaginary boyfriend. He's lovely. He thinks I'm amazing. I tend to agree.
9. California Lottery Commission - lets do this.
10. Vacation - we should do this more often.
11. My nieces.  2 of my favorite people in the world.  They're always on this list even when they're naughty because that's just for their parents and I don't have to deal with it.
12. Pretty dresses - I reward myself with one of these every time I'm nice.  I now have two.
13. That's it. I think the fact that the naughty list is longer is very indicative of the world we live in today. It's a shame.

*I think they use Santa's list for determining who gets into heaven and hell. Seems like it would be a time saving.
**See previous post where I was unjustly ticketed. But don't worry, I think I mortally wounded his soul when I shouted "...and your uniform doesn't even look very good on you. Your pants are too short, your shirt too tight and it needs tailoring. So there!"
***Again see previous post. Blinds will drive you to drink
****Don't come and visit me.  My floors are dirty
*****Pumping him up, he was a little down after he read the naughty list. He can't actually make tea.

A Christmas Offering

Many* of you may recall when I took up graphic design and offered my services in an earlier post, accompanied by my portfolio of expert and artistic design. I am once again offering my services for the creation of your family Christmas card. As it is the season of giving, I will be only be charging a nominal sum of $1,403 per card ($3 of which will be going to charity so think about that before you say no). Below are some shots I have already taken of myself and Albert - we didn't have the luxury of props so I have had to skillfully draw them on each photo. Look carefully and you might be able to pick them out although they are hard to distinguish from the real thing.

Sometimes it's hard to get everyone to smile and look at the camera at the same time but luckily, I'm able to craft a natural expression on their faces so no one will ever realize that they were being a sour puss. I also find that a nice red lip brings every portrait alive and gives it a festive look.

Sometimes children forget about elegance and inadvertently show their undies. I just slap a big "censored" sign on - problem solved.

If you have someone that's a bit ugly and ruining your Xmas photo, put a tree in front of them.

This is a real tree. I hate those fake ones.  Also, when I said if there was someone a bit ugly in your family, I was obviously not referring to myself, this is an example only.

A nice festive banner can bring your photo to life and you can even have it made into a postcard. Make sure that everyone looks festive. This is a poor example as one of us refused to smile.

Posing with much reluctance, thankfully Albert was happy to be there.

A santa hat covers up a bad hair day, makes you look festive and like a Victoria's Secret model. See.

One of us doesn't want to be here. One of us is bleeding a little bit in a lovely festive red color.

If you don't have any Xmas balls, make sure you have a cat with one glowing eye. Very Christmassy. Don't try and stick him on top of the tree though. That will end badly for one of you. Also the tree.

Also, try adding a hula skirt.  Hula says Xmas.

*Well one of you might. Come on? Anyone?

Blog Stats Update - Graphically Presented*

I think rather than me bullet pointing out all my blog stats, this will be much clearer. 

 It's important to put as much information on a graph as possible.  That way, someone can look at it once and immediately understand the parameters and what is being conveyed in a visual fashion.  My graph work is as well respected as my mathematical abilities.

 *And likely inaccurate.I was having some trouble drawing the correlations.

Dear Diary

Dear Diary,

Writing in diaries is boring. It feels like a good idea and then you start and after "Dear Diary", that's all you have. Kind of like a bath. A bath sounds like a nice, warm idea and then once it's full, you get in and then you're hot and bored.

I like those diaries that have a section in the beginning for you to fill out all your details. I have a lot of those. And some spare paper at the back.

I think you're supposed to write down your feelings and then it's supposed to help. Let's try. I am mad. No. Didn't help.

Maybe I'm supposed to confess my secret crush to my diary? Can my diary do anything about it? Will you stop me from calling and texting him until he realizes I'm normal? Will you stop me from falling in love with someone I can't have and then eating 10x the suggested serving size? No. Ergo, useless. I rest my case.

Dear Diary - a bit later in the day:

I thought I had a new feeling but it turned out to be gas.

Dear Diary - 10 minutes since last entry:

Nothing has happened since I last wrote to you. I could make something up if you like? I mean lets face it, it's not like you'll know if it's true. I think you've been given too much power over the years. All this writing to you that people do has given you a fat head. Because you're actually just a paper book with no useful advice and you don't deliver cupcakes. Also you are wet and soggy. That might be my fault. Shouldn't have tried to write in my boring diary while sitting in my boring bath. 

But somewhere out there, somebody is thinking of you and the tremendous influence you had on their life that led to all their successes.  But it's not me...I think you're boring.

Dear Diary - 4 years later:

Sorry, it's been a while but I didn't have anything interesting to tell you.  And then today while I was at work, we talked about getting additional training and taking some courses and we were asked to submit our requests for consideration.  So I asked for helicopter lessons. But apparently we don't offer that kind of training, because that has nothing to do with our jobs.  I feel like that wasn't made clear and have now had to cross numbers 2, 3, 4, and 7 off my list.  Turns out ninja training, crocheting (although I would have been happy with macrame), blind hanging and making macaroons are not up for consideration.  However, I can learn to use Excel if necessary.  Which it is not, I am as good at Excel as I am at Math.  And don't even get me started on computer skills.  I use that mousey thing every day. I know that to reboot, you turn it off and on at the wall and when it stops working, you kick it.

Actually on reflection, nothing really happened. 

Unawaredness

Unawaredness* is not a word. So I am going to use it. Because it describes the following perfectly:

1. Albert is unaware of his tail and the damage it can do. He walks past something and knocks it over, it crashes,he jumps and looks at me indignantly as if I did it and deliberately to scare him. Almost like how I am unaware of my own beauty. Just kidding - I know I'm beautiful, my Mum told me. While we were watching Miss Universe one day. She compared her pimply teen with braces to the contestants and said I was much prettier. And she's always right. Except for this one time but we don't talk about that.
2. You know who else is unaware?  Boring people**.  Even when I start typing or walk away from them, they just think it's because I had something to do. They have no awaredness of their boringedness.
3.  People running side by side on the footpath. Apparently they have unawaredness about where exactly I'm going to go so as not to be mowed down by them***. 
4. Flirtees - these are the ones being flirted with by the flirters. I have much unawaredness of this.  This is obviously the only reason why I am single. 
5. Every other driver except me.  They have much unawaredness about where I am going, how soon I need to be there, what speed they should be driving at, what the stick on the side of the steering wheel is used for and that you cannot push in front of me because you didn't want to wait in the right lane like the rest of us. I will squeeze you out.  
6. Me last week.  It was very cold in Los Angeles - as the weather channel reported, we had a cold snap sweep over us and the temperature went to down to 65****.  Winter in LA is brutal.  So, I dug out my winter coat, buttoned it up and headed off to work.  Looking like a five year old dressed me.  The buttons were all out of alignment.  This is what happens when you live here, you forget how to button.  I am button unaware.

*Have just realized the word I am looking for is oblivious.  Not unawaredness. That's not a word
** Actually just people
***Until I stop and put my arms out like I'm flying.  That brings awaredness to the forefront very quickly.  And then a fight.  And then awaredness that I am not a very good fighter. Or runner.
****18 Degrees Celsius

My List Of Must Have's For Men I Am Going To Date: Part 2

Just kidding - obviously there's more*. And in case you're wondering, the benefits of dating me are that you will be dating me. I could go on but I think I've made my point.

1. A daily shower. Possibly even two depending on the activity.  
2. Active - however, please refer to No. 1 above
3. Emotionally available. Unlike me. But as long as you are aware of it, it's totally fine. Just not for them
4. Tall**
5. Good communication skills - I think the next logical step in our relationship is speaking.
6. A sense of humor. But not better than me. Because I am always the funny one.  And the beautiful one.  And the smarter one.  And the best at Math.  But that's all***.
7. Your own cat. Also, Albert already hates you.
8. Your own car. And I'm going to need it to be better than mine. And then I'm going to need to drive it.  You can have mine.  It's got a bit of a holey exhausty thing but if you turn the stereo up, it's very easy to forget.
9. No hair on top of the toes. Not looking for a Hobbit.
10. Must be able to BBQ.  That means, clean it, cook it, refill the gas and obviously make the side dishes that go with it.  But it's ok, because you will only need to BBQ occasionally. Every day.

*If you have no idea what I'm talking about, you need to read yesterdays' post. Shame on you.
**Or short. Or in between. I'm not fussy. 
***For right now.  If we find you're better at something than me, then it probably isn't going to work.  

My List Of Must Have's For Men I am Going To Date:

1. A job.

Just wondering...

...why Trader Joe's uses two paper bags to bag groceries? Yay for paper but no yay for double bagging, that's for women runners.  Make stronger bags*. 

...why businesses warn you about a $25 fee for a bounced check? If the check bounces, chances are they don't have the penalty fee. You're never getting your money.  This is why you need to move into the 21st century and stop accepting checks.  Except mine.  You need to accept mine because I can't pay with my debit card because there's no money in my account.

...why no horses allowed?  It's a park - perfect place for a horse. Just another example of the oppression of man.  And horse.

...why you are here? (hoping for an answer that would stroke my ego). Oh, you came to see my suffering. Well, that wasn't it.

...why there isn't an app that will take an outfit I see someone wearing, find it, buy it and put it in my wardrobe.  With matching accessories.  Someone needs to get on that**.

...why camomile tea is called that when we all know its grass clippings in a bag.

...why the postage is more than the item?  Got my Mum a great deal on a sweater, reduced from $24.99 to $7.49. Cost me $20 to post it.  The only one making on this deal is USPS.  Or sucky sendy service as I like to call them.

...what that annoying beeping sound is? Must be something outside. It'll turn off eventually.  It's been 40 minutes and it's still beeping - I'm going outside to find it and give it/someone a piece of my mind.  Never mind, false alarm. Was the timer I set on my stove when I put the eggs on to boil.They're done now. Also a different color. That pot isn't going to work anymore.  But good that I know what it is now.  Was really starting to bug me.

...why?

*Yes I know, you all want to jump on me for not bringing my own bags.  Just so you know, I have about 8 in my car with very good intentions of using them.  Number of times I have remembered to take them into the store: Zero.

**Just FYI - that was my idea so I'm going to need half of everything once you develop it.  I think maybe there are physics involved.  So, I'm just gonna be the ideas man. 

Dating Things You Must Not Do*

Things you must not say or do to men after or during the first date:

1. Do you want to get married in the Summer or Winter?
2. Is that it?
3. Huh. Not what I was expecting
4. So it's just the 4 children then?
5. I like you as much as won't freak you out
6. eHarmony rejected me
7. I'd like to go out on a second date but I don't like you
8. Text them and declare your love immediately after the date ends. Or on a bathroom break during the date
9. Post your imaginary engagement on Facebook after a successful first date
10. Go home and watch TV with your cat. Because it was a better option
11. Handstands
12. Drug him
13. Contact him in any way. Regardless of what you do, it will be wrong
14. "Tell me about yourself?" "Well, I...". "You're the one!" 
15. I had a great time on our date, unless you didn't, in which case, neither did I

Outfits not to wear on a first date:

1. Fancy Dress of any kind
2. Catsuit 
3. Moose hat** 
4. Fig Leaf
5. Men: Wife beater (chesty bond in Oz)

Outfits to wear on a first date:

1. Pants

 *I am guilty of none of these, except 1-15.
**I'm on the fence about this one.  I think it depends on the person and whether you can pull it off. As I did. The key is too look slightly startled.  But dignified.

Why I Am Cheap Entertainment...*

...compared to cable, casinos, concerts, and circuses**. I think the best way to demonstrate this is by mathematical equation:

If x = quality, professional entertainment at a premium price and y = me: cheap, unsophisticated, requiring only a few clicks entertainment then z = well, you can clearly see below.

For those who don't have quite the mathematical brain that I do, I can break it down a little more:

1. Two trains 150 miles apart travel toward each other along the same track, the first train at 60 mph, the second at 90 mph. If I am cheaper than traveling by train to an exciting destination, which train will arrive first? Answer: Neither because they will eventually smack into each other in a fiery inferno and we can only hope that the passengers were able to read my blog post for that day and get their cheap entertainment in before dying in an expensive deathly way.
2. Al's father is 45. He is 15 years older than twice Al's age. How old is Al? Karen is twice as old as Lori. Three years from now, the sum of their ages will be 42. How old is Karen? Answer: This is easy - Al's father is clearly 1012*** and dead so he has no need for cheap entertainment but he was a bit of a tightwad while he was alive so he would have loved me. Karen is a stripper who gets more one dollar bills than I earn on my blog so she is disqualified.  No one cares about Lori because she is Al's imaginary friend and quite frankly he's too old for one of those.  Also an imaginary friend is cheaper than me so according to algebraic law we are left with cosine exponential square root of pi.  That is all.  Math is so easily explained.
3. Neville has 11 more nickels than quarters from his job as a DJ. How many coins does he have if the total value of his coins is $2.65? Answer: More than I have earned on my blog, ergo, I am cheaper entertainment than Neville the DJ.

*Many thanks to my friend Schmon Smuart (not his real name - obviously), for pointing out that I am the best cheap entertainment he has and suggesting I write about it. Not the first time I have been called cheap entertainment but I choose to take that as a compliment as it's a step up from free entertainment.
**I don't know if anyone goes to circuses because they're naughty if they have animals but it was working with my alliteration and the only other thing I could think of was concubines and I wasn't really sure if they were in fact expensive.
***To be honest, I used a calculator, otherwise I would never have gotten this right

Running

You know what I dislike about races and fun runs? Running. Also, the disappointment and lack of body control.  You get your bib, timing chip, pick out the perfect outfit*, train on a regular basis** and the big day finally arrives. You show up, mingle with your people***, do some of those fancy stretches and line up at the start. 

The gun goes, you take off and immediately start hyperventilating from the nerves. Your legs are going off in different directions, none of which is forward and you can't catch your breath despite the weeks of training.*** Then all of a sudden, you're being carted off two minutes out of the starting line to receive oxygen. Not because you're unfit but because you're nervous about a race that at best you would just finish. You're not in line for any medals, you don't even have a best time to beat, your biggest achievement was pinning the bib to your shirt correctly. 

And now you're in the ambulance area and your race is over. Good job.

*Some people pick out their outfit for optimum running conditions. Which is fine but I prefer to select it based on how good I look in it in case there are photos opportunities along the way.
**Or not.
***Not really your people because they run regularly but it's important to talk the talk and walk the walk. Well, run the run but never let them know you're not really one of them. Try discussing pb's and glucose drinks. Which sounds like a delicious snack but is not...
****Not me, I like to show up on the day and see how it goes.

Blog Earnings Update: One Step Away From Millionairism*...

So I monetized my blog - let Google Ad Sense put some ads up. I mean they asked nicely and seemed pretty desperate so I didn't like to say no. Some of you have been kind enough to click on them which I'm pretty sure generates revenue for me but also, I don't know.

Just in case it does, I've come up with a way to cheat the system.** Just going to leave my laptop open at home all day and every ten minutes Albert is trained to click on any ads. Going pretty well so far. Except for the part where he clicks on the ads. Which is strange because we went through a comprehensive training program. I pressed his paw down on the key, he got a treat and repeat. There were some lapses where he just lay on top of the keyboard but I figured something was bound to get pushed the more he lounged there.

I might have to come up with Plan B - which is paying someone to push the button in lieu of Albert doing it. I'm still working on the math of this, just having some trouble with currency and decimal points.

But I know you're all dying to know how much I made - I just checked the account and buggered if I can understand it. I think they're saying estimated earnings so far of $2.10 but then also they mention $7.85. So, my logic tells me it's one of those two.  My pessimism tells me it's the lower of the two***. I did the math and by my calculations, which we all know are completely accurate, it takes 20 million clicks to earn a dollar. So I am clearly very popular. Thank goodness I have 20 million friends. Please keep it up. Maybe one day, I'll have enough money to buy Albert a new eye.

*Is to a word.
**Hi Google - please stop reading for a minute.
***$7.85. I am a mathematical genius.Who wants me to be their accountant?