Post Thanksgiving

It's the day after Thanksgiving and I can't write anything because I am too full.

It's Thanksgiving

In case you didn't know. 

I can't write any more because my mouth is full of turkey. And pie. At the same time. It's not polite to write with your mouth full. 

Happy Thanksgiving to those who read my blog*. 

*To those who don't - while I don't want to wish you an unhappy thanksgiving, I will stick with "have yourself an average kind of a day". Maybe next year you'll think twice before not reading. Hmm?

It's The Day Before Thanksgiving

Are you brining your turkey, trying to decide whether to make that weird jello dish (don't), baking all manner of pumpkin things, planning your thanksgiving table decorations or are you at work like me? The end*

*This year I'm going to a restaurant for Thanksgiving dinner so that someone else can cook for me and serve me. I plan on eating too much pie (as a first course...because I can), drinking too much and behaving badly.

2014 Thanksgiving - Things I Am Thankful For

1. Someone else making Thanksgiving dinner
2. My Math ability
3. Some other things that I can't think of right now but am clearly very thankful for
4. My family. You have to put that one in otherwise you look mean.
5. That I can still fit into my jeans. No, not those ones. The post-Thanksgiving ones.
6. My breasts. They stop people looking at my thighs. What? Just trying a little turkey body part humor...don't make me whip out the wattle waddle.
7. My enormous brain. What? The title is not "Things I am thankful for and humble about."
8. My extreme beauty. Well, I may as well go for gold. Thanksgiving comes but once a year
9. My amazing goodness and kind heart. Ok, fine, That's pushing it.
10. The roof over my head. But not the bloody people that live on my roof. They need to stay very still inside their house and not move. Until I leave.
11. Yoga. And people that teach yoga. And my yoga pants. But mostly my yoga pants. There is a lot of room for error in yoga pants.
12. Not my hair. It's not what I wanted. Where is the long mermaid like locks that I'm owed? More than 30 years of growing it and where is my carefree weekend messy yoga bun? What I have is the size of a walnut shell on the top of my head. Nothing about that says carefree.*
13. Albert. Well, duh.
14. My Mazda - you just hang in there a little bit longer. Hey, how about we get your oil changed next week? Would you like that?
15. Sunshine. While the rest of the country freezes, we don't. Hahahahahaha.

*You have to put something in that you're not thankful for. It's like writing a performance review, you can't just talk about how great you are, you have to add something that you plan on working on. And you can't  call it a weakness or a lack of skills or even more bluntly "something you're a bit shit at". It's an "area of opportunity". I wrote this after I wrote my annual performance review. For which, by the way, I have given myself 14 gold stars, 11 silver ones, 203 brownie points and a big round of applause. There was no mention of the ratings system so I added my own...

What Did You Do Last Saturday?

I had a bottle of wine, some bread and cheese on my rooftop with the homeless guy that lives on my street. Technically he's not homeless since he lives in his van on the street. He's quite an institution in the neighborhood, walks a lot of people's dogs, moves their cars to avoid street cleaner fines and can more or less do most handyman jobs.  Put great big hole in my last place when hanging a mirror but took full responsibility with the landlady when I moved out. He's been extremely helpful to me, even feeding Albert when I'm on vacation and won't take a penny for it.

Facts:

1. His only request was to share some wine and have some good company. I managed the wine.
2. His name is Wolfgang. Wolfie to the ladies. I stick with Wolfgang.Also, I am not a lady.
3. He is from Frankfurt, Germany, close to 70 and apparently invented a similar version to the Microsoft suite of products but didn't manage to get them out on the market before Bill Gates. It's possible that the slight language barrier means I got that story wrong or it's possible he was taking some liberties. I told him it was a damn shame. He agreed.
4. He used to be very wealthy with a house in the Hollywood Hills. Then he got married. And now he has fallen on hard times. Marriage will do that to you.
5. He has all kinds of deals going with people in the neighborhood to help him live a comfortable life despite his circumstances - his van is always parked outside the same place where he pays $25 a month to one of the tenants for the use of his internet and cable. How else do you watch TV in your van? $5 a week goes towards the guy that cleans the bathrooms in the nearby park so that he can be first in and have a clean bathroom to use.
6. He's extremely well presented and buys socks in bulk so he can have a new pair at any time.
7. He has a crush on his acupuncturist. Yes, you read that right. My local homeless friend has an acupuncturist. Only in Hollywood.
8. He also has a pretty sweet cell phone and according to him, an excellent plan. Just because you're homeless doesn't mean you can't stay in touch.
9. For someone in circumstances that would be catastrophic to me, he is certainly making the best of his situation and taking care of himself without relying on handouts. When I tried to hand him some money, he took it only on the condition that we use it for brunch some time.I love brunch.
10. He likes red wine. Who doesn't? 
11. Albert tolerates him.  In fact he traitorously sat on his lap and flipped me the middle claw.  Sort of.

We all need a Wolfgang in our lives.

More Basic Stuff That I Missed

I thought of something else that should not have taken years to figure out. Although since I was 5, I'll cut myself some slack. I was probably busy trying to be a Math genius and being thwarted by people teaching me all wrong.

Did you ever wonder how songs on radio stations were played? Well, it's obvious - the band would show up at the radio station, play their song and leave and the next band would then come in and play theirs. Band after band coming and going, playing their hits. That's why radio stations played different genres - otherwise bands wouldn't have enough time to drive to all the stations. Later on I realized that was ridiculous - there was no way each band had time to unpack all their equipment and then pack it up again in time for the next band to ensure continuity of songs and no "dead-air". Clearly there was an easier way.

Obviously, the radio station had two rooms set up with musical instruments and equipment for the bands to use.  That way, one band could get ready while the other played.  Simple really once you think it through...

Laundry and Math

Are you one of those people, like me, that thinks you're relatively intelligent but some simple things just seem to pass you by? Like Math. I am convinced Math is very easy - all forms of Math - I think I just had bad teachers. One of these days, I'll find the button that releases Math and will become an expert. I'll have a business card that just says "I am a Math Expert? Try Me. 1+1=2. See."

The other day I had another one of those encounters that reminds me that even though I am a Math expert*, there are some basic things that don't occur to me immediately. Or even several weeks later. But when they do, it's like all of a sudden, things got a whole lot easier and I can free up my mind from the mundane to work on my Math problems.

So, now that I've moved house and am saving a lot of money in rent, I am dealing with one of those things that comes with saving money in rent. Not my own laundry. I have always had my own laundry, starting with when I lived at home. I threw it down to the bottom of the stairs, it got washed and thrown back up at me. Brilliant. Every house, apartment I've ever lived in has always had the convenience of a washer and dryer, even if I had to share with room mates. But now I have to share one washer and one dryer with 11 other apartments. And I have to pay for the privilege. $1.25 to wash and $1.00 to dry as long as you don't need to dry anything for longer than 44 minutes. Would it have killed them to give us 45?

So far, I've been lucky - no one has ever been using either appliance when I've gone up there and I've chosen pretty random times. So, I've come to the following conclusions - no one else lives here and if they do, they are all a bunch of dirty f*&%ers. It stresses me out quite a lot to do laundry - first I have to go up 2 sets of stairs which means facing the fact at the top that, I am unfit. Since I was doing an excellent job of ignoring that, this is a bit of a slap in the face. I throw my stuff in the machine, ignore the instructions, put the money in, set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes since that appears to be how long it takes. Go back downstairs and anxiously await the beep on my phone. I have a fear of forgetting I have laundry in there and someone taking my clothes out and seeing my knickers. I'm sure they'd be wondering why I'm still washing a pair that looks like there's not much left to them, but let me tell you, they are my favorites and they still have a good couple of quality years in them.

After the first time when I separated my lights and darks (thanks, Mum), I decided to hell with this, it's every man/item for himself and if colors run, then that item clearly was never meant to be. Survival of the fittest - laundry-style. I try and stick to a laundry run, once a week which works well for my clothes. However, I resent paying $1.25 to do my towels. They barely fill up the barrel of the machine and it seems like a waste of time. 

And that's when the penny dropped.  Or the $1.25. Why not throw the dirty towels in the laundry basket and get fresh ones from the pile that took a game of Tetris to try and figure out how to get ALL the towels I own into the cupboard. Then at the end of two weeks...or even more should I feel the need...I can wash all of them. I have enough towels, bathmats, face clothes and hand towels to last through a zombie apocalypse. 

I think this might just work. How did I not see this sooner? Do you see what I mean about basic stuff?  Is it because my head is so full of smart, intelligent stuff? That's probably it. Now all I have to do is figure out the dryer issue...if I wash a bunch of towels in one go, will 44 minutes be long enough to dry them? But wait, I'll use my Math expertise to calculate the weight to heat ratio**...

*Almost. Still looking for the button. Looking for a lot of buttons actually.
**That doesn't sound quite right, possibly I need to take into account the cosine pythagoreal sum value.

Successful Delegation

Yesterday I had some more training. I am just about all trained out for this year. The class was on how to successfully delegate to your employees which I've re-interpreted to mean that I should give them all the work so I can nap. Apparently, the art of successful delegation is giving up control, learning to trust others and not trying to do it all yourself. I can totally do that, I have no problem with any of those things. Except for a little bit. Mostly the bit about giving up control, learning to trust others and not trying to do it all myself. 

So, in an attempt to try something new which I am all about as long as it doesn't upset my current routine or schedule in any way, I decided to practice this. During the first break, I sent an email telling my employee that I was hereby handing everything over to him. If he needs me, I will be under my desk. Napping or building a fort depending on the time of day. Because I have now mastered the act of giving up control, I didn't even wait to see his response, I just mentally empowered him. Hope things are going well. Have awarded myself a PhD in Delegation. Even though I had clearly passed the course, it was still pretty early on in the day so I decided to stick around. I mean lunch was still to come.

Our first exercise was to split into groups and come up with the benefits of delegation from the perspective of the employee, manager and company. We then regrouped to present our findings to everyone. Before doing that though, we had to introduce ourselves, describe our business area and our Super Power. Yes, you read it correctly. Kind of threw me for a loop - I'm used to describing the type of animal I would be. Didn't matter anyway because I appear to have missed the point. Everyone else came up with a super power in relation to their job e.g. master multi-tasker, superior communicator (given the way they communicated this, I have my doubts), future ratings predictor. Not me. My super power is obviously Animal Whisperer. When asked if it applied to just one breed, I went into a long detailed explanation about how cats, dogs and even squirrels appeared to love me. Evidenced by a squirrel running up my leg one day - why I thought it would be a good idea to demonstrate how I got rid of it by shaking my leg vigorously and yelling "get off, get off", is beyond me. Should have gone with invisibility, kind of needed it to kick in about now...

Eventually lunch arrived and I sat down next to a colleague who works out of Denver. Over the turkey meatloaf (which is debatable cos it looked an awful lot like catfood meatloaf) he regaled me with fun tales of his wife's experience with endometriosis. Turkey, catfood, didn't really matter at that point...

Good news is I'm now able to offer a complete package of services for you to buy at an exorbitant rate. Negotiation, delegation, management(ation. Sticking with the theme) and strategization. Communication is extra. I only work half days. And only one day a week. But I bill for a full week. See how good I am? 

They gave us toys again.  I think they're supposed to refocus those of us that are fidgeters.  Worked brilliantly.  Look, I made a ring!

Conversations Overheard By The Dumpster Outside My Bedroom Window

It's not as bad as it sounds.  On the plus side, very easy to get rid of trash.  If it weren't for the bars on the outside of my window, I could probably stand and throw my rubbish directly in the dumpster.  How many of you can do that? Also, when one can't sleep, one hears very interesting things.  On the downside, sometimes when one is sleeping, one gets woken up by conversations that might be interesting during the day, but lose their appeal at 3am.  Also on the downside, my bedroom is right by the dumpster.  So, that's nice.

Night time dumpster.  Cool spot to hang out.  Probably meet my next boyfriend here...

Just a couple of recent conversations to give you some flavor of the area I live in:

1. Shiiiittt bitch.  Actually a very short conversation.  Not a lot of substance.  Spent quite some time waiting for the second sentence, which never happened.
2. *"I can tell you're not from LA by the way you're squatting in your heels**". What? First of all, why is she squatting in heels? If I was doing that I'd never get back up, still be there in the morning.  Unless I'd tipped over.  Second of all, is he familiar with squatting styles?  Is there a squatting style city guide out there?  Third of all, is this a criticism or an observation?  Fourth of all, go away.
3. Dude, look at my bike?  What's wrong with it?  It's not there any more." Got myself a new bike...
4. I finished my beer.  Me too.  Let's go.  Happy that you're leaving, just not sure why you needed to stand by my dumpster in the first place to have your beer.  Also, umm, you're right next to a dumpster, can you please put your bottles in it?
5. Are you Jewish. Yeah, you? Yeah. Sweet.  Since I live in a very Jewish Hasidic neighborhood, it probably wasn't too much of a stretch to figure this out.  Just glad they got it right and there was no face-off due to religious differences.  Would have had to move my BBQ out of the way...

*I was tempted to go out and make sure they weren't stealing my BBQ. First sign of dragging metal and I would have popped my dressing gown on and high tailed it out there to have a BBQ tug of war.
**Better not be squatting by my BBQ.

Criistchhhhhssshhtttccchhh. It's hard to write static.

What? It's Monday. It's morning. It's Monday morning. And I haven't even had a cup of tea yet. Besides no one reads this so Mum, I'll send you an email later.

Some Important Points For A Friday

1. Just to be clear, I only have one foot in the Crazy Camp. The other one is firmly planted in Cat Lady land, so I think we can all agree, I'm cool. Perfectly normal female.
2. A comment was recently made to me that I have all kinds of walls up when it comes to flirting/engaging with me and that my sarcastic, sardonic, ironic sense of humor was yet another wall. So, I decide to bring the Berlin Wall down a little bit. For the second time in history. Of course as soon as I did that, I realized it was a mistake. I need one of those bank teller walls that comes hurtling down (or up - depending on your bank model) when you press the panic button at the first sign of a transgression. If you're lucky, his fingers might get caught and mangled a little bit...it's a hard lesson but one they will only make once.
3. Thanksgiving is not next week.  I think someone moved it when I wasn't looking.  I feel let down.  Also, my turkey purchase is a little premature.  Back in the freezer you go.  Neville
4. I just read a statistic that says that 70% of porn traffic occurs during business hours.  Which leads me to wonder are these people watching in their office or in a pod/cube environment?  Which then leads me to wonder if the porn watching is then causing any reactions...you know what I mean...and how is that manifesting itself?  At this point, I think we're all hoping the porn watchers have an office and let's not even contemplate the lunch room.    Who out there is feeling a need to watch porn at work -  is it that work is not stimulating enough?  Wait, that sounds wrong.  To be clear, I don't mean that your job should "stimulate" you, I just mean keep you distracted from thinking about all the porn you are apparently missing out on.  Unless of course your job is in porn, in which case, go for gold.  Do the porn watchers not have computers at home so they have to do it while at work on the Company laptop?  Did they just need a timeout?  Some stress relief?  Because I find that going and getting a coffee or leaving for the day works wonders. I still have so many questions about this.  Does anyone want to fund me to do a full research project?  I think we all know how good I am at charting and documenting results.

Obsession - Letting Out The Crazy

Let me tell you a little story about the inner workings of a female friend of mine and see if it strikes a chord with any of you*.  

Here's what happened to her recently. You know when you meet someone when you're away for a weekend, you have a great night, you leave it with "let's stay in touch", exchange numbers and become friends on Facebook? She had one of those evenings. Luckily, she wasn't sure that they were a very good match - although it's possible that one evening wasn't enough to determine that but she much prefers to make snap judgements. Obviously much safer and given proximity to one another, very sensible on her part. So, it's good that she didn't get all obsessed over someone that she's sure is a terrible fit for her and doesn't even live where she does. She kept it down to a couple of casual texts, the occasional Facebook comment and then left it at that. 

And then she got irritated that he wasn't being as responsive as she was (and that they hadn't made Thanksgiving plans - yes, this is a normal train of thought). So instead of letting it go, she caved and sent a casual Sunday night text "Hey - how was your weekend?" 

A mere hour and 41 minutes later (she wasn't counting, just happened to notice the time), she received the following response "Call me in one hour." Call me in one hour? What does that mean? Are they spies? Did he forget to add "Let it ring once then hang up and dial back again immediately." Or does it just mean that he would like to chat in an hour when he is free? No, that can't be it. Far too simple. Anyway on the off chance that he did mean that, she did what every normal woman would do - she set the egg timer for one hour. 

A few minutes past the appointed hour (it doesn't do to be too precise), she sent a text to see if he was still awake (a courtesy since they were different time zones). An hour later, it was safe to say, he was not. Luckily she only stayed up for another hour wondering what that meant. So what is the lesson in this for her?  Just leave it alone?  Find a replacement? Learn macrame? Make alternative Thanksgiving plans? Yes.

*Not you men people

Doing A Deal Using My Harvard Negotiation Experience

Now that I have all this Harvard knowledge, I'm putting it to good use at work. For instance, just the other day, one of my business partners contacted me and said he had a software renewal that he needed done.

Me: So are any terms changing (brilliant opener - totally channeling Harvard)
Business Partner: Yes, I want to pay a lot less money and I want to be able to get out of the contract just because I feel like it.
Me: Got it - let me reach out to the Vendor and I'll get back to you (excellent empathy and showing good understanding of the deal terms)

Me: Hi - we want to renew this deal but we want it for less money and we want the ability to cancel for no reason whatsoever at any time e.g. It's Thursday (clear outline of the terms and a firm tone of voice to show that we will not budge)
Vendor: No.

So, that went well.

First World Problems - Los Angeles Version

1. Because of the pattern of my granite counter top I don't know if it's dirty and needs wiping
2. It's too hot and sunny
3. My avocados ripen too fast
4. I can't grow a hipster beard.
5. I'm not allowed to chant in yoga because my pitch is off. I have to lip-synch.
6. My juice cleanse is a bit yucky tasting
7. When I get stuck in traffic, I have to sit in my comfortable, air-conditioned car with my music playing
8. My sunglasses leave a dent on my nose because I'm always wearing them
9. I have to drink bottled water because we have a water shortage
10. Damn, I have to break a $20 to tip the valet

Things I Love About My New Place

•  My bathroom basin and tap fixture. You could wash a baby in here. Or a cat. Since I don't have a baby, cat's going in. Nope. Bad idea. Terrible idea in fact. He didn't appreciate the aesthetics as much I did and I didn't appreciate how much he didn't want a bath.

#bleedingseverely

• My chandeliers - mostly because they look completely out of place. My hallway chandelier is in a hallway space about the size of "I just opened the door and I'm in the hallway but if take one step in any direction, I'm already in another room." 

Because who doesn't need a chandelier in their bathroom?

 

• My dishwasher - after two and half years of not having one, I didn't think I would care. I do. I put everything in here. Not the cat though. I learned my lesson. 

Next in - Thanksgiving Turkey. It's important to wash the bird and pat him dry.  So just a rinse cycle.

•  My kitchen and bathroom floor.  I like that they match. Also that they are small and take ten minutes to clean.  I can afford ten minutes every two months.

My toenails match my dishwasher.  It's a new thing, accessorize with your appliances...

• My walk-in wardrobe.  Walk-in but don't move. It's a little tight.  I think they over-sold it.  More of a cupboard.  And god forbid you should try and get dressed in my walk-in wardrobe.  You'll give yourself a hernia.

 

• Extreme organization.  You can look but don't touch.  It's packed in pretty tightly and the slightest movement could cause it all to collapse.  Granted, it's not exactly usable but I know where everything is. 

Dear Burglars, you can see I have nothing of value.

 

Update To Friday Friday

Ok, turns out his name is not Ebola, it's Evola. Which is like Ebola but not as dangerous. I'm disappointed - the weekend is ruined.

Friday, Friday

*Like Monday, Monday but better.

Boys are stupid. The End.

On another note, I'm going to turn on the gas heater today. Pretty sure I need a lighter or some sort of open flame. If it doesn't work, I'll either be blown up or will have no heat. Which is fine because LA is having a mini heat wave. The blown up part is not as fine but I will likely not be very concerned with anything at that point. Also, I just found out the building manager's last name is Ebola. There is so much I want to do with that...

On yet another note, my house is not clean and ready for the weekend which is the opposite of what I had planned on Monday. I'll spend today contemplating this. But doing nothing about it.

And just one more note - I have no more notes.

Hard Lessons I Have Learned

• Pickles and yoga - not ideal. Not before or during. Possibly after.
• A chair on top of a stool is a questionable decision. Especially with a light bulb tucked securely in your bra.
• Unlimited pancakes, ribs, fries and soda will only end badly. And financially, it never works out.
• Don't wear your heart on your sleeve. Pop it in your pocket and zip it shut.
• Plan only for yourself. You're less likely to be unreliable than others. Does that sound bitter? Good.
• When a cat reaches a certain age, they are less than keen on getting in the shower with you. I Imagine children are much the same.
• Don't move house on your own. Get rich first and then pay people to do it.
• An eighth of a tank of gas is not something to gamble on. Even if you did careful mathematical calculations.  You can use those same mathematical calculations to calculate how far you'll have to walk to get to a gas station.
• The mirror in clothing stores is nothing but a liar.
• Balancing something, even for a second, will always result in breakage or spillage. 
• Just five more minutes in the sun was five minutes too much.  Same goes for just one more drink. And one more drink with just five more minutes in the sun should not be attempted by anyone.  Not even a ninja.
• You might be able to get into those jeans but you will then have to have intestinal surgery.
• Parking Nazi's are immune to all tales of woe.  You could lose both your legs and therefore be unable to move your car but if they've started writing that ticket, there is nothing, not even an act of God, that can stop it going through.
• There is always someone funnier, smarter and more beautiful than you.  Except if you are me.

The Deep Dish* On Chicago

*Get it? I made a pizza joke. An ironical pizza joke. Nothing? I made a funny. Wow. Tough crowd.

If you have been following along, you'll know that the final stage of my trip was Chicago for the slaughtering of the USA Eagles rugby team by the New Zealand All Blacks. I don't want to dwell on this too much. But I will. It was a disaster for America. A tiny nation nailed you to the wall. Personally, I'm a little mortified that we let you score 6 points. But then we scored 74 so I felt better. Even better than us kicking arse (well equally as good), I got to hang out with a friend and made her deny her American-ness so she could be on our side. I was surrounded by Kiwis which only ever happens to me in New Zealand and I made friends. I just don't remember them. 

That's not the sun behind me.  It's more of a halo...the halo of winners

But this is about Chicago. I would post pictures but you can't see anything because it's TOO DAMN COLD. That's right, cold affects pictures** so I took some mental ones. Damn, I look good. In my new gloves. How do people live in this? No one*** looks good (except me) because you're all bundled up in layers - you have to wear flats because you don't want to fall over in the snow and then once you get inside, you start baking. So you start to take layers off and then you reach that one layer that shouldn't be shown in public, that you thought you wouldn't get down to. So you have to try and replace that layer with a layer you took off and now you have dislocated your shoulder. Chicago is dangerous.

The Magnificent Mile looked impressive, I hit a Magnificent Meter of it.  I got side-tracked with warm cafes.  I should probably go back in the Summer.  Summer is more my thing. 

I did experience some of the Mid-West hospitality. From New Zealanders. This very nice man bought me my Shepherd's Pie. I met up with a school friend that I hadn't seen since high school. On second thought, no big deal cos that was only a couple of years ago. He also bought my dinner. Then this other guy bought me a drink and paid for my taxi back to my hotel. I basically spent no money in Chicago. It's true, the people there are very nice. And generous.

**I took a great picture of the Wrigley Tower, leaning back to get all of it in. What I got was hot tea in my face. I forgot I was holding my cup. See what the cold does to you?
***I did see a couple of girls who thought it more important to wear a mini dress with no sleeves and no coat. When you take warmth over looks, it's a sign that you're getting older. And sensibler.

What To Do When Your Flight Gets Cancelled - An UnHelpful Guide

If your flight gets cancelled and the cancellation will result in you missing an important event/meeting/dying grandmother as well as causing issues with hotel bookings in the city you are flying to, missing connections and unknown whereabouts of luggage, then you are entitled to do the following:

1. Cry. Violently. In the middle of the airport. Possibly even a little stamping of feet. But make sure people are watching.
2. Have a cupcake. You have been dealt an unfair blow through no fault of your own. You are entitled to recompense in the form of cake. While this won't help the immediate situation, you can later sue the airline for making you fat. Also, cupcakes are delicious, quite soothing and allow you the chance to calmly think over your next move.
3. Simultaneously call the airline and go to their Service Desk to make your feelings known. Don't worry about acting like a grown-up or being polite, it will get you nowhere. You need to go "full toddler" with your grievance.  You must demand that they inform the wind to stop blowing a howling gale.  You must convince them to take you up on your suggestion to fly the damn plane yourself.  
4. Upon being offered an alternative flight at no cost to yourself, possibly even a hotel room for the night, you must demand the penthouse suite, water flown in from an underground spring in Iceland and grapes.  Grapes say I'm sorry like no other fruit can.  A banana says 'up yours' and an apple says 'I'm not sorry at all, this took no effort whatsoever.'
5. Tell everyone you know about your desperate plight but any suggestions of help or advice are always wrong and impossible.

However, if your flight gets cancelled and they get you on a new one on the same day and all that happens is you have to hang around the airport for a bit longer, then you are entitled to do 1 through 3.  You can tone it down a little and you probably don't need a back-up cupcake.

Just some behavior I witnessed recently when my flight was cancelled.  I'll try and behave better next time...

Advanced Education

Have received my Degree/PhD from Harvard after just three days there. Can you say child protege? More or less. Maybe less of the child part. Is there such a thing as adult protege? I think that's what I am. Or an idiot savant. Or just part of that...

They got some wording wrong.  So I fixed it...

And left some stuff out...