When You Are Traveling For Business...

1. Everything will fit in your suitcase on departure. However, despite buying nothing, it will not fit on your return. So you will wear two dresses and socks with your heels on the plane.
2. The stuff you hang in the hotel closet will still be there when you leave. You will never see it again. And yet, your suitcase still will not shut.
3. You will either be far too early for your flight or you will do a personal best (PB) down the tarmac.
4. You will carefully lay out each work day outfit, complete with shoes and accessories when you are packing. Yet once you arrive, there will be a component missing from each outfit.  Better hope it's not your pants.
5. Dinner will be by yourself and you will pay for your drinks separately so that your corporate credit card receipt doesn't reflect the fact that you are a rampant alcoholic*.
6. You will be on the 31st floor so there will be no need to draw the curtains.  Then the window washer will wash your windows at the same moment that you get dressed.  It will be awkward for everyone.  It's not easy for them to go somewhere else in a hurry...
7. The batteries in the hotel TV remote will be sketchy.  And you will never be able to change from the hotel welcome screen.  You will not feel very welcome.
8. You will unexpectedly have to go to a meeting in a different building with 2 minutes to get there.  You will be told to go to the 47th floor.  You should go to the 14th.  That will require going back down to the lobby and going to a different elevator bank that services floors 1-20.  You will now be ridiculously late.  You will find the room and try and sidle on in, knowing that no one has met you and has no clue who you are.  You will try and become one with your chair.  It will not work.  They will shoot looks at you that mean "get out - not your meeting".  So you will make notes in your notebook in order to look engaged and as if you know what is going on.  You do not.  Also you are writing "take me to my happy place, take me to my happy place". You remain where you are.
9. You will make it through the week because you are a professional**
10. You will only drop your laptop once when you get it out for the airport screening.  Thank goodness it's not your personal one..
11. You will exchange knowing looks with all the other business travelers.  Your looks will say "we're in this together, we're business professionals, we have expense accounts, we're not like these others".  Then they will call security.

*or cake connoisseur
**and a wine drinker

When Life Gives You Lemons...

• Throw the lemon at the first person that suggests you make lemonade out of it. If the lemon fails to hurt them, find a rock.
• If you're really lucky, they'll be riding a bike and you'll take them out.  There was an incident this one time with me, an egg and a bike.  Didn't end well for the egg, the bike or me.
• People always suggest that you add alcohol. So now you have a lemon sitting in a glass of vodka or whatever your preferences is. Success?  I think no.

I'm unsure how this helps...

• Paint them green and sell them to restaurants.  There is apparently a lime shortage.  The message here is, when life gives you lemons, cheat someone and make yourself feel better.
• Cut in half, rub on freckles and watch them fade.  My friends' sister used to do this while she was sunbathing.  We swore black and blue that it was working.  It wasn't.
• Do not eat - very bad for your tooth enamel and then not only are you having a shitty life, you now have holes in your teeth and a huge dental bill.  That's life giving you lemons to the power of two.
• Grate the zest and add to a cupcake.  Now, you have a bald lemon and cupcakes.  Take that, lemon.  
• Return it and ask for a substitute.
• Quit.

Welcome Home To Me

I'm back. Did anyone notice I was missing for a week? Even though I got back last Friday night, I'm still on East Coast time. I'm going to be using that a lot for the next month in order to get out of doing things.

I've included a photo below of all the fun things I did while I was away for work.

I hope the fancy frame doesn't detract from the content of the photo.

Despite all the fun that I had, I'm very happy to be home. Albert is also very happy that I'm home. He hasn't let me out of his sight since. It's starting to get a little awkward. I'm now trying to avoid my cat but without him knowing as I don't want his feelings hurt. This morning, I caught myself slinking into the kitchen when he went past and holding my breath so he wouldn't hear me. But as long as I keep on his left side I should be fine. The bonus of a cat with one eye. And people say I'm negative...look at me making a positive out of a negative.

Things That Happen When You're Away for Work For A Week

1. Blog posts don't get written
2. Cats have to look after themselves. And throw wild parties.
3. TV doesn't get watched
4. House doesn't get cleaned - not actually a bad thing and also since I'm not there, it should stay cleaner for longer. Technically. Unless you have an Albert.
5. Exercise. Although I like to imagine I will work out. I imaginary sweat a lot.

Back in a week. Trust me, this hurts me more than it hurts you. I'm going to be working a lot harder than I normally like to.  Not to mention, meeting and being nice to people.  Yuck.

Drinks On A School Night

You know when you go out to celebrate a friend's birthday on a school night and you're (a) going to be the responsible one and not get completely legless and (b) just have a couple because it's not your birthday and (c) go home and write tomorrow's blog post. Well, that didn't happen. 

So, umm. How good is this post?  Bro's before hoes, sisters before misters, friends before nothing that rhymes with blog posts.  You get the point.

A Day At The Beach

On Tuesday I played hooky* and went to the beach - Huntington Beach. It has some of the best surf** in SoCal and it was packed. I didn't want to get in the way so I stayed on shore. No point showing off my skills. Just makes people feel bad.

Surfers - looking an awful lot like shark fins.

So I wandered around the shops, had a beer, a burrito, made friends with the guy making flax roses and then got myself a nice red tan sitting on the beach. That tan will fade to brown in a week, shame about the shape of my necklace burnt into my skin. Still, no need for necklaces for the next couple of weeks.

This is the rose that the guy on the pier made me. He was in the army for 15 years. It was free but I gave him a pretty big tip because I'm pretty sure he can kill me 5 different ways with this rose.

Pretty nice place, this Huntington beach. A little busy and why are there so many teenage kids hanging out? If the truancy officers got bonuses for turning kids in, they'd have a field day there at the beach. Thought about faking being a truancy officer and getting the kids to pay me bribes but then my sense of right and wrong kicked in. It would be wrong to waste all my energy walking around so I sat back down.

Anyway, I've decided to build a shack under the pier, make wind chimes out of old cutlery*** and retire there. Tomorrow.

*And by hooky I mean, I scheduled a day off 3 weeks in advance. I'm very responsible but "hooky" makes me sound devil-may-care which is a new image I am working on cultivating. I have a spreadsheet listing out all the steps. So far I think I'm still coming off a little "devil-do-care" but that's because I haven't reached step 4 yet.
**I know this because there is a sign. Not because I was in the surf. 10cm waves are a little high to be going out in, methinks. Also I have started saying "methinks" to everything. Doesn't always work but methinks me sounds cool. And a bit Victorian.
***Don't want to encroach on Army guy's territory. He could easily kill me with one of my cutlery mobiles if I stole his clientele. Actually rethinking mobiles with sharp, pointy things in general. Doesn't really matter, just has to look handmade (check) and be useless (check).

Things I Wanted For My Birthday But Didn't Get

1. A new eye for Albert
2. A cat with two eyes
3. A silencer for the hole in my exhaust manifold. This is code for a new car
4. A clean house. This is code for a housekeeper
5. Cake. I mean, really. Have I not dropped enough hints about cake? I'm going to have to dumb it down a little. "Hey - get cake. Give it to me"
6. A Minion. Yes, I know they're not real but if people can ask me if I've seen a Hobbit then I can have a Minion. The one with one eye, please.
7. A good attitude
8. A tiara. For wearing around the house
9. A winning lottery ticket. Am going to have to return the ones I had as they were broken. Need my money back.
10. A party dress. And by party dress I mean 7.

Logic

Sunday was my birthday so obviously I'm taking today off.

I added up all the requests for blog posts about my birthday on my calculator and got 1. Also it was a pretty insignificant day so would be a short post. Needless to say, I am now a year younger.

Awkwardity*

You know that moment when you post on Facebook that you'll be in a certain city on a certain date and ask "who is around" and someone responds and you say "who else"? That happened to me. It was awkward.

*How great is this word? I'm on a campaign to get it included in the next Dictionary review.  Everyone use it once today.

Work Transportation

This is how we get around the lot at work. In golf carts. It's pretty cool. We're pretty cool. I'm not allowed to drive...

Sometimes they let me sit in it and pretend.  I make vroom vroom noises.  I'm not allowed to do that anymore either.

If you lean forward you go faster.  Except if you're not moving.

Make sure you look carefully when you reverse.  Also try and look super casual like me.  Not everyone can pull off a helmet in a golf cart...

Sometimes I take a nap.  But then security finds me.  Don't take your helmet off to nap, imagine if the cart started rolling backwards.  Injuries could be horrific.

Sometimes I ride in the back.  It makes people think I'm more important.  It's like being in a limo.  Without a driver.  And without moving.  But other than, exactly the same.

My Animal Encounters Over The Years And Around The World

I like to think I am an animal whisperer. Although last night I yelled at Albert for looking at me wrong. Which wasn't really fair. There's probably only one way of looking when you just have the one eye.

I've done a fair bit of traveling over the years and recently going through my photos I noticed how much interaction I've had with animals. And how much I have not as you'll see below.

I don't know this chicks story. We shared a sprite and then both moved on with our lives. He wasn't much for talking.  Also I don't understand Thai.

I don't know this pig's story but I think it ended badly. Suspect is not there of his own free will. Probably would have preferred to ride on the handlebars.

Log cabin bear. Rescued him. Originally he was on his back with a glass table top resting on his paws. I liberated a bear. That's right, PETA.

Go to Alaska they said. You won't be able to move for all the wildlife. Looks like I have plenty of room. That dot in the middle was allegedly a moose. On inspection it turned out to be more of a log moose. Luckily we timed our Alaska trip when all the beluga whales were out in force. Right up until I came over. Then they made a pact and headed for the bottom of the ocean, laughing hysterically at me snapping shots of empty water.

Diving in Greece. Look at all the sea animals I am not surrounded by. There is a world wide pact with all water creatures to avoid me. Except for jellyfish, sea lice and freshwater crayfish (or Koura in NZ). If it can sting or bite, it will find me. Go all the way to Greece they said. Learn how to dive they said. Look at all the nothing you will see.

Monkeys in India. This is a gang. When you try and pass, they will cut you. You can't see their knives. They're in their pockets. The little ones will just hiss at you. They're too busy getting tattoos to chase you.

Monkey at Taj Mahal. Talk about monkey on your back. This one has a huge chip on his shoulder. He didn't even take the time to get to know me before deciding I was worthless. Hence the arse in the air..

Yep - on a camel. The one I've previously posted about - Raju. He's right up there with angry monkeys. How's my riding style though? As long as he doesn't move. Three days galloping(ish) through a desert in India..well, lets just say there was chafing.

This thing landed near my friend - just fell out of the Cambodian sky. Was almost the size of his hand.  Waitress laughed hysterically at our fright. It bit her and drew blood. We laughed hysterically at her pain.

Iguana in Thailand. Yes, he was alive. When he breathed, I almost dropped him. Then we went to happy hour.

Thai cockroaches - quite hard to tell from American or New Zealand cockroaches as they don't have much of an accent. Let that be a lesson to you, cockroaches. You will not wander through my packet of peanuts without consequences. Actually you will since I ran screaming from the room and left my boyfriend to dose them with a can of fly spray.

Pronounced Hairy Coo in Scotland. Way up north we had a face-off with this cow type bull thing. By mutual agreement we reversed. Well, he stayed where he was...

Snake skin. Turns out I do not know how to cure snake skins and make them into shoes. After two days it will stink and rot. Yes, I know you all hate me but in rural China, it was the equivalent of a chicken.

Snake blood wine. Snake tastes like nothing and the most disappointing part about this was they handed me the snake to hold onto and while I was holding him, cut off his head with a pair of scissors. That's why there are no photos of me and actual live snake. I got the aftermath.

Mmm, bag of scorpions to go, thanks. China, you have the best snacks. So easy to travel with.

Elephant Island - New Delhi, India. I know what you're thinking. Dangerous incident with elephant where I was either nearly trampled to death or picked up in it's trunk so it could do trunk curls. Before eating me. Makes a good story but no. Monkeys...lots of monkeys attacking you. Which is why there is no photo...

Ear Muffs, Albert!

So before I was a cat lady*, I was a dog girl - I was younger. When I lived in New Zealand, I had a dog called Shelby. Named after the lead character on Steel Magnolias**. I loved that dog, she slept next to me in bed with her little head on a pillow, her own electric blanket controls and pretty much all the same perks that Albert has. Which is perfectly normal. When I would get home from work, I'd stop at the top of the drive to get the mail from the letterbox and she would sit on my lap for the drive down the hill to the house. I let her steer. She wasn't very good***. Sometimes all the time we hit the hedge. And we laughed and laughed.  And then left the car there.

So that was the happy part. If sad things upset you, stop reading now.

One day while I was at work****, we got burgled. I was living with my cousin at the time who had a Golden Labrador called Molly. The two of them had a very clever run that we'd built out the back for them. It was so clever that every day they dug their way out. And every day we built more of the Great Wall of China underground to stop them. That Great Wall of China is not all it's cracked up to be. The good news is that the dogs stopped the burglars from breaking in. The bad news is that they took Shelby. Luckily the neighbor behind us witnessed it all and went and hid under her bed. Because calling the police was too obvious for a grown woman. That was the last year she got a Xmas card from me.

Turns out there was a dog fighting ring in the area and the police think Shelby was taken so she could fight. Hah burglars!  Jokes on you - sort of. Shelby was as much of a fighter as Albert is. And let me remind you of all the things that Albert is not afraid of. Nothing. Albert's most comfortable position: flat on his stomach under the couch fighting with the dust bunnies. Who kick his arse every time. 
The vet told me that with the type of dog she was (mongrel is a harsh word, I prefer shepherd/doberman/rottweiler mix but primarily shepherd), she would likely die of a broken heart as they're one person dogs. Albert is also like that. Except for the dog part*****.

So, that was that. I choose to believe that she died of a broken heart rather than in a dog fight. If you are wondering if I handled it well, I did not. My mother sent my brother up from the city he lived in to check on me, my aunt sent me to the hairdresser for a pick-me-up haircut and I pined. Fair warning for when something happens to Albert. Right, well that was uplifting, wasn't it. Come back tomorrow for some more cheerful stories....

*And again, let me remind the doubters that a true cat lady has more than one, she clearly takes very good care of all of them because they have all their eyes so there is still a slim chance for me.
**I challenge anyone to get through that movie without shedding a tear.
***But imagine her today with one of those assisted parking things in the car.
****Which just backs up my theory that working is bad for you.
*****Apparently this is what I do - animals, people, cake. They meet me and I become their one person. No wonder I'm single - men are clearly afraid of falling under that kind of spell.

Random Grocery Shopping Thoughts

• There's a rumor that supermarkets are supposed to be great for getting dates but you have to be able to read the code of the food in the target's trolley*. Pretty sure it's all about the bananas and their placement - allegedly if the bananas are facing up, it means the person is gay and single. If they were facing down, it means they are straight and single. On a side note, it must be awkward for people who are oblivious of the code and are just buying bananas. All I know is that I don't like bananas so I substituted with a jalapeno and now I'm either in a gang or engaged.
• I have an uncanny ability to pick the trolley that doesn't want to go in the same direction as me. All the wheels are at odds with each other.
• No way am I going back to the car for a second trip to bring the groceries in. Doesn't matter how much I buy I always think I can make it in one trip. Even when I have to park a block away. By the time I get in the door, I have no circulation left in any of my fingers and packaging has slit open a gash in my arm. But I made it. I beat the groceries.
• Some days I'm ashamed of the contents of my trolley and I want to put a sign on the front asking people not to judge me and the emotional state I am clearly in...
• Do you ever go and spend $100 bucks on groceries and then come home and order dinner because you can't be bothered cooking?
• I always make a list before I go. Sometimes I even bring it.
• Sometimes I go to the supermarket just for the free samples. Then I leave. Thanks for lunch. 
• When I first came to America, grocery shopping was fun - the food was so different and you don't have to peel your own carrots!  
• Grocery shopping at Target is a mistake.  We all know what happens when you go to Target for regular stuff.  Now that they have groceries, I have a 5lb gummy bear. 

We're friends.

 *Shopping cart for Americans

My Weekend

For those who know me, you know I go pretty hard-core on my weekends* and this past weekend was no exception. The big news first. Vacuumed. Which I think we're all very happy about. Except for me who had to do it. Unfortunately, it wasn't all smooth sailing. I accidentally sucked up two of Albert's toy mice. The good news is that the house is clean. The bad news is the cat is very sad. The good news is I have more. The bad news is he doesn't deserve them until he learns how to vacuum since most of the mess was his.

But wait, I know you're wondering how much more I could manage to fit into my weekend but in fact, I did. I was doing the dishes when a glass that the dish-rack failed to hold onto when I threw it in there, jumped out and broke. Naturally I considered getting the vacuum out again but twice in one day is a bit much. So I swept it up and will just avoid that area of the kitchen until it's time to vacuum again.

I think I've discovered what I'm really good at. Taking something very insignificant and turning it into an even more insignificant big ball of nothing.

*This is true except for the part that isn't which is all of it.

Random Car Thoughts

Things I don't ever want to say: Got a new car. Broke it.

I love it when someone tells me not to wash my car because rain is expected the next day.  I'm sorry, wash my what?

Do you ever see a car attached to a motor home being towed along the freeway and wish you could ride inside?  Me either.  But if I did, I would think it would be a good idea.  Until I remembered that it could come adrift.  But I would have the keys.  But they would be in my pocket.  And then it would be too late and I would be sailing past the motor home with a not very positive outcome.  Actually not a good idea*.

Sometimes I have races with the car in the next lane and they don't know.  They lose every time.  Except when they don't.

What's the correct term now?  Used to be "roll your window down" but those don't exist on most cars now.   Should we say "button your window down"? Seems like a much longer explanation is now required "push the button so your window will go down".**

There is very little difference between the sound a lawnmower makes and the sound my car makes.  I get a lot of looks.  I think people expect to see a boy racer in a lowered Honda hatchback with tinted windows and racing stripes.  I just try and look dignified as I roll past*** and pretend the noise is coming from the Jag in front.
 
*See what happens when you think things through? You stay alive.
**The first person that comes back with "put the window down" is unfriended from my life. You're missing the point.
***I was going to say "...roll past with the sound of a sonic boom" but I looked it up and sonic boom occurs when you move faster than the speed of sound.  I'm not allowed to go that fast.  I tried.  Surprise Factor - Level: Ticket.

Business Cards I Am Having made

Not just business cards but wallet-sized cards for all occasion. I don't want to be caught short somewhere without the appropriate card to hand out.

For when someone does something exceptional:

Probably throw one of these puppies down on my yoga mat after a successful Downward Dog.  Or maybe just throw one out the window of my car after completing a day at work.  And by completing I mean just showing up.  I don't think anything else is needed.  Although would then have to hit myself with a "Don't Litter" card.

 For those people that park like this:

You would get one of these...

Compliment Type Cards:

Probably follow this one up with a

to myself

For boys.  Or myself.  On a good day.

 Job Related Cards:

Probably just use this as my resume.  You can't argue with "Everyone"

Hopefully I won't have to threaten anyone...

Successful cards for picking people up:

Preferably a gift...

 

Just generally useful cards:

And my favorite - stating the obvious:

And the reverse side...

Some Little-Known Facts About Me

1. I have an uncanny sense of when an earthquake is about to happen. I woke up a mere 15 minutes after the last big one occurred.
2. I am not actually a Cat-Lady. I like dogs. Thankfully Albert can't read and we continue to live a lie.
3. I have a friend whose parents dug a grave for their ailing dog in anticipation of its death. The dog rallied but they continue to keep the grave and show it to the dog every time it misbehaves. I think this is a good way to raise children*. I have some other great ideas. Please ask.
4. I don't have a lot of feeling in my left lower leg and foot due to a ruptured disc in my back. I can't always guarantee that the leg is shaved since I can't feel the razor. I like to think of this a nice surprise for people.  Boys, mostly.  I'm still single.
5. I have a gift for numbers**.
6. I can handle my alcohol***.
7. I was born with no sense of rhythm.  Am currently receiving treatment but it doesn't appear to have taken.  Go on, ask me to dance...
8. My secret name is Auntie Gherkin but I will also respond to Gherkie.  Don't tell anyone
9. I buy myself birthday presents from the cat. It's a way of getting more presents. It's not fooling anyone.  Except the cat.  He's oblivious.
10. I have three tattoos.  Yeah, I'm hardcore.  I drew them all myself. One of them is a cat.****  People have commented on how nice my pineapple tattoo is. 

*I anticipate a lot of back-lash related to this.
**See previous posts. Go on ask me anything. 2+9=14. Bam!
***Up to two drinks. Then I have to be taken home. 
****This particular tattoo has been abused - it has been barked at and in addition to the pineapple, mistakenly identified as an artichoke and a dreidel.  

A Short Story With A Grain Of Truth*

This weekend I was out walking around my neighborhood when a woman walked past me and apparently thought I hadn't moved far enough over on the sidewalk for her to pass. She started cursing at me and then adopted a fighting stance. I immediately dropped into downward dog**. She ran from me screaming with fear. Or laughter.

*I was out walking
**Obviously this isn't true - in the real world, I would have kicked her arse with tree pose. Followed up by some hard core street fighting.  And some very not-so nice language.