Labor Day

Monday is Labor Day here in America so I will be taking the day off. In fact to observe this day properly, I will be lying prostrate on my bed, not moving a muscle because that is labor. I will also not be thinking at all, again labor. I can't even eat because the action of eating is labor so I better bulk up on Sunday. I think this is going to be a really long day.

Stuff That Is Supposed To Happen When You Do Things Differently...

...but does not seem to apply to me.  

1. Give up sugar they said - you'll have tons of energy and after 10 days you won't even miss it. I miss it. I'm very tired. Just going to have a little 7 or so cupcakes to get my energy level back up so I can quit sugar again.
2. Workout they said, you'll be able to eat anything you like. Technically true. You can eat anything you like, you'll just be fat while working out. 
3. Get up and meditate in the mornings, they said, it'll change your life. Well, it doesn't change the desire to not want to get up in the morning so I'm not sure. To date, I've been unable to get up and do it. But I bet it's amazing. I'll have Albert do a trial run first. 
4. Be a free spirit they said, do what makes you happy. Conceptually good idea, hard to explain in a disciplinary meeting. 
5. Be authentic, they said. Great, now you are authentic, still single and somewhat embarrassed by the authenticity of your authentic outburst.
6. Follow your heart, they said.  This I like, unfortunately my stomach is louder than my heart and over-ruled so now I'm loving some delicious fries...
7. Save your money for a rainy day, they said.  Well, don't live in Portland then.
8. Get back on the horse, they said.  Why would I get back on a horse that clearly wants me off and thinks I have no business being on it.  Suspect this is a euphemism for not giving up and trying again.  Well I have gotten back on the horse many times and I think it's time to know one's limitations and take the car instead.
9. Wear a tight skirt, they said.  It'll drive the men wild.  I think I got a broken skirt.  Men seem to be having no problem at all resisting it.  I have seen very little "wild"
10. Be more positive, they said.  No, I don't think that's going to work.
    

What Happens When You Don't Have A Surfing Lesson...

...you have nothing to write about. While we all know I'm living the Hollywood dream, it's not all glitz and glamor. Apparently the swells were too big this past weekend for beginners, even though I like to think of myself as Intermediate* level. So, we'll have to reschedule that for another time. Made me recall an event from my childhood though - family trip to Hawaii (the home of my birth) when I was 16. A lot of boogie boarding, which naturally I also excel at**and an encounter with the bottom of the ocean. Punched me in my eye and blackened it. I am somewhat mortified to report that upon surfacing, I grabbed the board and yelled obscenities at the water while trying to hit it with the board. FYI - the water did not notice and seemed to fear me not at all. Everyone else noticed.

This post is dedicated to the person that called me up to tell me my posts were "a bit weak of late" and "we" needed to step up our game. "WE" don't write this blog, I do and all of my loyal followers now hate you. Go on, Mum, tell him how mad you are. Look, mister, it's not easy to write 5 days a week when nothing is happening in your life. Perhaps you'd like to make a donation equivalent to my day job salary and then I'll step up my game. No? Then you'll get what you're given and you'll bloody well like it.

This post could also be titled - 101 on how to write a blog post about a non-event. Pretty much like all of my posts. Can you imagine how good I was at essay writing at school? Just skirt around the topic for 4-5 paragraphs and end with confidence. Before they know it, they've given me an A+ while learning nothing from me. I'm going to add this to my resume.

• Experienced professional with skills in elaborating on things that have no bearing on anything and are of no use to anyone.

*I had a dream that I could surf and I was excellent so pretty sure that does not make me a beginner. Also I have friends that surf. That also makes me experienced.  And sometimes I have surfer hair.  Starting to rethink the need for this lesson...
**Let's just agree that I excel at everything. We'll get along a lot better.

So It Turns Out...

...I did have something else very important that I wanted to write about. The only reason I would do a blog for "One Year and a Day" and risk upsetting my OCDedness is because there's something else I need to say.

You know what's not hilarious? When you tell someone something hilarious and they say "That's hilarious". If it was hilarious, they would be laughing hilariously. Not telling you how funny they think something is with a straight face. That's not hilarity.

So glad I got that off my chest.

Happy Anniversary To Me!

I made it - one year of blogging, five days a week with the exception of Public Holidays and Public Special K Days where I might have been too lazy to write anything. And now for the award ceremony*:

1. Most Regular Likers/Commenters of Blog on Facebook - Schmeorge Schadams, Schbecca Schmost Schatham and James Steve
2. Honorable Mentions go to Schmickie Schmewis, Schmea Schmang and Schmeveryone Schelse that I forgot
3. Dishonorable Award for People That Have Not Contributed or Liked Blog Posts - you know who you are. 
4. Biggest Donator - this has been deferred to next years' ceremony due to lack of donations.

Despite the huge empire I have created, I may or may not keep doing this. I mean let's face it, the money that rolls in is nice but I've almost spent the $2.34 so it might be time to expand my slum lord blogging into other areas. So, maybe I'll write something tomorrow or maybe I won't. 

*All names have been changed to protect the identity of those that I have named. And now have to go into Blogging Witness Protection (BWP)

Things That Are Coming Up.

You should feel very lucky - I have a surfing lesson on Sunday so that should ensure an endless number of blog posts about how good I am at it. Or not. But I find that hard to believe, what with being born in Hawaii and all. Pretty sure surfing is like golf, super easy to pick up the first time. The hardest part is going to be getting into the wetsuit - I can't decide whether to get all greased up first so I slide on in or try the powder method. Either way, whether I look greasy or covered in white powder, it's not going to be attractive.

Then there's the end of October* where I will be going to Harvard for a negotiation course. You know how you tell your mother you got accepted to Harvard and it kind of gets blown out of proportion when she's telling her friends at coffee, when the reality is your company paid Harvard to take you. It's a 3 day course at the end of which, there will be no degree from Harvard but I have high hopes for one of those sweatshirts...the best part about this is that I get to go to Boston and Cambridge which were on my sub-bucket list**.

But wait, there's more - I'm also tagging a trip to Chicago on the end of my Harvard education. Never been, was on the sub-bucket list but even better, I'm going to watch the New Zealand All Blacks play rugby***. Which is on the main bucket list. Sounds like quite a few Kiwis are going - I'm going to be friends with all of them. I hope someone will bring mince n cheese pies.

You don't know about this, America but there is nothing better than a meat pie when you're walking home after a night on the turps.  Just stop by your local servo (gas station), get a pie out of the warmer. Blow on it first for goodness sake.

If you don't know about blowing on the pie, you're liable to get seriously hurt...

*I know, not exactly soon but there seem to be some gaps in my social calendar.
**You know, a list of places to go and things to do that are not exactly top priority but are achievable as opposed to the things on your bucket list like visiting the moon.  That way you can die happy knowing you completed your bucket list.  No one needs to know it was the sub-bucket.  Except the people that read your blog and that person might die before you.  So, you're good.
***Against the US Eagles.  Which is not really playing Rugby - it's schooling America...

I Don't Want To...

1. Write anything today
2. Work
3. Get out of bed
4. Be nice to people
5. Talk to people
6. See people
7. Be people
8. Not have cake
9. Clean house
10. Do laundry
11. Cross my legs like a lady
12. Wear professional attire
13. Get dressed
14. Read proposals about complicated technical hard stuff
15. Come up with a plan for life
16. Deal with the cat and his bucket
17. Exercise and eat sensibly
18. Be a grown-up
19. Help old people cross the road
20. Lend anyone a cup of sugar

So there.

When People Won't Let You Write Stuff

I really wanted to write about a conversation I had last week with my work friend but he won't let me. I will say that it was about Wolf Packs so already I think you can see what you've missed out on. Instead I'm going to tell you a short story about something that I think I have already told you about but I am too lazy to go back and check. Also I have nothing else*.

So, it's not wolf pack but it is along the same lines of hardcoredness**. A long time ago my room mate and I decided to form a motorbike gang. Possibly after watching Sons of Anarchy for the first time. We had a bit of a falling out when we trying to decide who would be the leader of the gang. After we agreed on me, we had another falling out when I replaced him as my 2IC*** with Albert. Also we realized we (a) didn't have motorbikes and (b) couldn't ride them even if we did. The idea died a natural death although I continued to be in charge without him knowing.

The End****.

*Although, you know when you walk into work and your leg falls into a hole? Well that happened again.
**Frequently used (by me) to describe something that is very hardcore.
***Hardcoredness motorbike gang speak
****I hope you're happy work friend that is no longer my friend because you took away my creative freedom. Be careful or I'll ice bucket challenge you...

I Don't Want To Rain On Anyone's Parade But...

...while I commend all of America for doing the Ice Bucket Challenge, I would just like to say that all of New Zealand did it too. In Winter.

I feel like America missed the point - dumping icy water over your head in Summer is not really as challenging as jumping into a cold lake, ocean etc in the middle of Winter. Isn't the idea that there be some sort of hardship to it? Like all those Polar Bear Plunges??

 

Things That Are Annoying But Not Really...

...in the big scheme of things:

1. When you're driving and you hit a bump and your glovebox pops open. Luckily LA roads are well maintained so only happens every couple of minutes.
2. When you're driving and you hit a bump and your glovebox pops open and your A/C goes on. All by itself. Cool car trick or shitty car? You decide. I know what I think...
3. Buckets and cats pooping inside. I may have beaten this horse to death...but I'm still annoyed about it
4. Having spontaneous A/C in your car but none in your house.
5. Dogs upstairs that bark when you blink. Which technically I wouldn't mind since they would be great when intruders were around but they are (a) Unable to distinguish between intruders and people who live there that are quietly sitting on the couch occasionally blinking and (b) the size of an eggplant. 
6. When you have been existing on nothing but vegetables and pickles for months and no one has noticed. Other than your neighbor who apparently was watching you stand on a stool outside your window while fixing a bucket attached to a screen to prevent the upstairs A/C unit from getting the carpet wet on your cats entry mode which was making him poop inside. Good to know that's my environment for shining...
7. Having a kettlebell sit in your living room and look accusingly at you. Which is not really fair since I have been dusting it. Now I drape a cloth over it so it can't make me feel guilty. I think it wants me to use it whereas I like it more as decor.
8. Not winning the lottery. Actually in the big scheme of things, this is more than annoying. It's affecting how I want to live my life.

2 Of These Things SHould Not Be There

Well here's hoping there isn't a fire at work today...

Update to the Update: Bucket, Screen, Hallway Poop Thing

Litter box has been successfully installed in a corner of the bathroom*. Cat has elected to "go" outside. I'm afraid to take the litter box away in case he changes his mind. You cannot win with a cat. Reverse psychology only works until he double reverses it on me and I end up in a vegetative state. They will always win. Albert for President...

*We may as well "go" together...

Update: Bucket, Screen, Hallway Poop Thing

So, I think based on my analysis of the facts, this has been a complete success. So far this week, he has only pooped inside 3 times. Which is exactly the same amount of times as last week. Exactly the result I was expecting. Launching Plan B - litter box.

Sigh. I have been beaten by a one-eyed cat. At this point a peeled carrot could probably take me out.

How A Bucket Stops A Cat From Pooping Indoors

When I have a problem, I quickly admit defeat and wait for someone to fix it. And no one does so then I have to. And while conceptually my ideas are great, the execution and the practicality of them have varying results.  Varying from bad to terrible.

For the last couple of months since it got really hot, Albert has taken to randomly doing his business in the hallway. And no amount of questioning will get me any answers. So, I did a little detective work. Which didn't help. At first I thought it was because he was too scared to go outside on garbage collection day. An unwelcome surprise the following day disproved that theory. Then I thought he was too scared to go out his little window on the day the gardeners came. Once again, I was proved wrong.

But I think I've cracked it. Right after I stood in it. Directly above the cat window is the upstairs neighbors' air conditioning unit. Once it started to get hotter, they turned it on and since the guy works from home, it's on for most of the day. And it drips. Onto Albert's carpeted platform where he enters and exits. And I think, my precious has gotten a little bit precious about getting his paws and butt wet. Never mind that he happily frolics in the rain, god forbid he should have to step on sodden carpeting for mere seconds. I want to use a phrase right now that rhymes with "whittle shucker".

My first attempt to fix the problem was to put a container out there - unfortunately the drips come down directly above the cat window so that then means he can't come and go.So, I spent a lot of time at work thinking about the problem, sketching solutions and doing some extensive measurements and calculations.*

So I've come up with a homemade solution, that is a brilliant example of the well-known phenomenon "kiwi ingenuity".

That's right, I wired a bucket to the mosquito screen so that it's above the cat door and below the air conditioner.  Am currently waiting for them to turn on AC so I can see if it catches the drops and the carpet below stays dry...yes, my cat has carpet on his outdoor ladder.  Why?

It's quite a long way below the A/C but since my other thought was to somehow have it evaporate before it hit the ground and science has yet to catch up with my brain and invent something, I think this will have to do.

 I am aware there are flaws - like having to take my stool** outside so I can reach up and untie the bucket to empty it.  Also there is a very high potential that the weight of the water will rip the screen out of the window before I can get to it to empty.  

Therefore, I am offering a reward to anyone who can come up with a better solution.  Your prize: a well-trained house broken(ish) one-eyed cat. 

*Not actually true. I just said fuck a lot.
**Pun intended

Give Your Worries Away...

The other day when I was out shopping for my niece's birthday, I accidentally bought myself something. Which only happens all of the time so it's good that I've got a handle on it.

Anyway, I got myself a Mayan Worry Doll. This one is specific for weight worries - I was looking for something more along the lines of "Not winning the lottery but staking your retirement on it anyway" worries but they didn't have that one.

As far as I can tell without reading the instructions, I basically can eat anything I want and instead of worrying about it, this doll will do it for me during the night.  It probably eats the fat when I'm asleep too.  So the way I see it, in a couple of months, I will have to come up with something else to worry about.  I am gonna load this doll up with all my shit.  Worry-free life - here I come!  And it was only a $1.95.

The Wave

When you're in your car and you let someone in front of you, you are entitled to "the wave". Someone please tell America. Pretty sure this is a legal obligation.

Picking Up Prescriptions

When you're standing in line waiting to pick up your prescriptions, you will wish you weren't.

1. There will be a man in front of you that will keep insisting that everyone go ahead of him, even though as he informed everyone, he was waiting for his spine medication and if he didn't get it soon, he will die. To be honest, it seemed like he actually had bigger problems...also did not see him die for those that were concerned.  Also did not see him receive any medication.
2. Then there was the man who ignored the line, despite the signs and the very obvious mat that had footprint outlines to indicate where to stand. He seemed somewhat annoyed every time "Next" was called and others walked in front of him. Imagine his surprise when he eventually looked over and saw the line. And went to the front...didn't have the heart to explain how lines work.
3. Everyone in line with you will try and give you their germs. You will leave sicker than you were before.
4. You will buy a bunch of things you do not need. Rite Aid is to Target as Trader Joe's is to Whole Foods.
5. You will stand in line for 30 minutes. They will not have your medication. But you will not know for 30 minutes. Even though you dropped the prescription off 4 days ago. You will leave in defeat and decide that you don't really need it.

Managing People

Most of you don't know how important I am but I actually manage someone which strikes me as being very important. Both for my level of importance and for them because I am shaping this person's future with my excellent advice* and my ability** to help grow his skills and therefore progress his career.

So far things are going pretty well although he hasn't brought me donuts yet and that's probably a fire-able offence, no?

I will keep you updated on his progress and how many gold stars I have given out. So far, I have awarded myself 12 because of the way I bring myself coffee, the fact that I show up to work and because I haven't thrown anything at him yet. I'm like the nicest boss ever. Pretty sure my last person did not leave because of me.  This one time, I said thank you and gave her cheese***.

*Excellent as determined by me
**My ability is a bit sketchy in parts. Sometimes my sentences start out strong and then I remember I don't know what I'm talking about so I just stop and look expectantly at them. This is an excellent tactic because either they nod and tell me they understand, in which case we both go about our business being none the wiser about anything but content that we are on the same wavelength or they tell me they're not sure what I mean and can I elaborate. No. If I could elaborate, I would have finished the sentence and there would be diagrams instead of me creating geometric shapes with my lunch carrots and using those as examples of carrots in quadrilaterals. The best way to handle this is to tell them to think about what I've said, maybe try Google and come back when they have a better understanding. "I don't want to give you all the answers, I want to see what your thought process is like and have you propose ideas to me." The best is when they agree to this and go away. The second best is when they come back (although going away is always my preference. It's because I don't like people and I'm not allowed to hire my cat) with a solution and then both of us now know what's going on.
***Classic sign of a good boss

How I Work On Projects

If you need me to help you with a project, I am available for consultation.  For a fee.  Just FYI - I don't subscribe to the Agile, Waterfall or Six Sigma approaches.  That's just a lot of extra work and charting.  My approach is much simpler and outlined below:

1. Get initial information on project - put in drawer.
2. 2 weeks later, open drawer to look for chocolate. Find project. Shut quickly.
3. 1 week later, boss asks how project is going. Wonder what he is talking about.
4. Accidentally open scary project drawer and decide to take quick look in case it's something easy and uncomplicated.
5. It's not easy and uncomplicated.
6. Decide to knuckle down and review information
7. Get coffee. Knuckling down needs coffee.
8. Coffee tastes delicious but is not very good at project work
9. Take a long hard look at project data. Have a little cry.
10. Consider putting chart/graph together but am uncertain what I am showing or doing. Also Excel is very difficult so will use lined graph paper and draw it instead.
11. Is not working. Will have lunch and think of another plan
12. Lunch is delicious.
13. Do some complicated calculations that have nothing to do with project but are working wonders on self confidence.
14. Decide that most definitely I can handle this.
15. Wonder what I was thinking.
16. Delegate to person working for me.
17. Consider project completed.

Genghis Cohen

So this place is up the road from me...

 The Jewish branch of the Mongolian Kahn family. 

National "Something" Days

Every week I feel like I hear about it being National (Blank) Day for some random thing and it generally only catches my attention when it's about food. I'm a little behind the 8 ball on this one but Wednesday was National Cheesecake Day. Which I'm all in favor of but have to wonder, why do we need this to be celebrated? Generally special days are created for us to remember and celebrate loved ones, difficult events, groups of people etc. I want to know who has been mistreating cheesecake so that we have to dedicate a day to it so it feels better?

Yesterday was National Mutt Day where we celebrate all those dogs that don't come with pedigree papers and are the result of different breeds having a good time. Pretty easy to celebrate this occasion, dogs are very easy to please.

There's a bunch of others that seem somewhat ridiculous but maybe I'm being too harsh and everyone/thing needs to be celebrated once a year.

1. Compliment your Mirror Day - July 3rd. Basically look at yourself and say something nice. 
   
2. Cow Appreciation Day - July 15th. Am I supposed to appreciate dairy products or give a cow a hug?
3. Today is National Raspberry Cream Pie Day - I guess this pie felt it wasn't getting as much attention as Apple and Pecan so it gave itself a whole day...
4. International Forgiveness Day - 1st Sunday in August. No.
5. Emma M Nutt Day - September 1st. Emma was the first woman telephone operator. I'll give her a call and say thanks...
6. Virus Appreciation Day - October 3rd. Is there anyone that is currently appreciating any virus that they have? Does anyone want to say a special thank you to their herpe?
7. Stay At Home Because You Are Well Day - November 30th. I think we can all get on board with this one.
8. Put On Your Own Shoes Day - December 6th. Umm. Should I be given an award for doing this every day anyway? If you over the age of 5 and physically able, you should be putting your own shoes on. Who are these people that command others to do it for them or presumably go without if no one is around?
9. Take It In The Ear Day - December 8th. There will be some of you who thought this meant get an earful from someone and put up with it and then there will be me who thought it meant something else...

And in case you thought I was making these up...

On second thoughts, not sure she'll be able to take my call...

She would take a selfie if she had a cell phone but I think she's probably before even Emma's time.

Me too...

Me too...

Not sure how this is associated with Virus Day unless those two men have terrible viruses and the other fellow thinks it's hilarious.  I hope they give him their virus.

Here's one I missed.  Next year I'm going to stay up late and watch people run around sneaking zucchini onto their neighbors porches.  I think this is a job for beer and binoculars.

I still have selections from the other months of the year but will save those for later since I am still waiting for my own special days:

1. Donate to Kirsten Day
2. National Pirate Cat Day
3. No More Salad Day