Beauty Tips for Hands

I invented something last night. It was pretty easy. I don't know why people make such a fuss about Einstein and the like, I just sat down and thought of it. Reminds me of the first time I played golf - don't know why people think Tiger's so great, it was easy. Take your stick out, hit a ball and get as many points as you can. I can get 100 points on 9 holes, no problem.

So here it is - for those of you that are getting a bit long in the tooth, a bit mutton dressed as lamb, a bit past your best, I have a useful beauty tip for your hands. As you age, your hands start to get more wrinkled and even though your face may look young, your hands can be a dead giveaway that quite frankly, you're old.

Luckily I have an easy solution that requires no purchase of expensive creams, no hand exercise machines, no hand make-up and no painful surgery. Simply curl your hand into a claw-like shape and watch the skin grow taught, eliminating all wrinkles. Continue to hold it like that forever.

Obviously there will be times when you forget but eventually you will adapt and be able to perform all your daily tasks with a claw-hand. Rest-assured no one will suspect your real age now. I cannot however, do anything for your ugly old face...although who knows what next great idea will drop into my head.  I'm very well-educated on stuff I make up.

Note the difference as you browse through your library - Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Hand approve of the claw-hand. Also Harry Potter and Half-Blood Hand.  I can go on...

Cooking now looks more elegant and the claw-hand* provides excellent grippage which is most definitely a word.  Side note: A lot of people cry when they are cutting and cooking onions.  The trick is to not form an emotional bond.

Typing with an old wrinkled hand is so unappealing to your co-workers. Why not be productive and attractive?

As you can see typing with a claw-hand allows for an excellent command of the keyboard, with minimal errors and lovely line to the hand

Wrap your claw-hand around your fork and enjoy your meal knowing your hands look youthful

Watch how the cat recoils at the touch of the old, wrinkled hand

See how the cat thrives under the touch of the claw-hand

Update: Have just looked up claw-hand and found that it's also known as "Spinster's Claw" which is not at all where I wanted this to go. Disregard the above. 

*No hand models were hurt in the filming of this segment. They weren't paid either.