Weddings - Thoughts and Advice

I've been to a few weddings this summer and I think that qualifies me to give wedding advice.
 
Things I like about weddings:

1. You thought I was going to say free food and alcohol. Hah! 
2. Free food and alcohol
3. Wearing pretty dresses

Things I don't like about weddings:

1. Shaking hands and kissing babies
2. None of the gifts are for me
3. Holding stomach in all night after you ate too much and gave yourself a food baby.

Dessert at Weddings:
If you don't have any, I am not coming. Do you think cake travels well? Probably not. I went to this wedding recently and they had pies. Which was a great idea but not as good as MY pie idea. I wanted individual pies and I wanted apple and cherry and they decided to have the pies they wanted. What? I was going to fill my clutch with mini pies. Probably travels better than cake. Cos they have their own lids. Cake in a pocket is a bad idea.  But better than mousse.

Things I would like you to provide for me at your wedding:

1. Gift bags. With diamonds. And cake. And mini pies.
2. Single men.

Things to release at weddings:

1. Doves
2. Butterflies
3. Confetti
4. Bubbles

Things not to release at a wedding:

1. Prisoners
2. Gas
3. The Kraken

Notes for the wedding:

1. You know how when you were in kindergarten and when you went somewhere you always had to hold another kids hand and they were your safety buddy? Get one of those each for the wedding, they can remind you that you don’t have pants on, pull the piece of toilet paper off your shoe, un-tuck your dress from inside your undies etc 
2. Remember to eat –you paid for this food – get some. And then get some more. And pack some cake for the road. Or pies. See above.
3. Don’t do a special choreographed wedding “Thriller” dance.
4. Sorry I thought your “Thriller” dance idea was bad. I’m sure it will be awesome.
5. Wear Pants
6. Guests – if you don’t know your date’s last name, it wasn’t a good idea to bring them.

Notes on how to have a successful marriage:

1. If you’re going to fight, make sure you win. This will not work for one of you 
2. Don’t restrict shopping budgets. Be broke together
3. Don’t read self-help or relationship books. No good can come of knowing what each other is thinking.
4. If you decide to have kids, practice on an animal first but remember, you can put a collar and leash on a dog and drag it around the neighborhood, but not a child. Not legally anyway. Also you can’t leave a bowl of food and water out and go away for the weekend. Until they are 3.
5. No one’s butt looks big in anything and you have no opinion about it.
6. Go on many vacations. See many things. Take turns picking the destination (then if you have a stink time, you can hold it over the others head and be a martyr while acting magnanimously which is the key to a successful marriage)
7. Plant a tree. When you are old, you can sit under it and reminisce about your life together. Don’t get a slow-growing tree; you will look stupid lying down in order to fit under it.
8. Ignore all of this advice, it is untested.