Meatless Monday

Did you know there is a global-wide organization that promotes going without meat on Mondays? It's now active in 34 countries. Apparently it's good for health reasons and the planet*. 

If I find out that someone has started Muffinless Monday's, Taco-No-Go Tuesdays, Waffle-Without Wednesday's, Tequila-No Bueno Thursday or Friand-Free Friday, the shit is going to hit the fan.  I am thankful there is no letter of the week that starts with "C".  Anyone trying to go global with a cakeless day of the week will wish they had never been born.  And will also be a recipient of one of my "looks".  Probably my "hi, sorry, but I really am not a huge fan of that idea, maybe we could compromise" look.  That's right, I can be very intimidating.

 
*To be honest, I have tried this but I found that too many lentils died in the process.

On This Day In History...

...very little happened. However, all is not lost because today we celebrate:

• Helen Keller Day
• National HIV Testing Day

Two of my favorite holidays.

Yes, I know - I am horrible.  I am going straight to hell.  I will see you all there.

Public service announcement

MILF's - A Scientific Analysis

If you don't know what a MILF is, I'm not telling you. Use the link or Google it. Anyway, this is a scientific experiment that I'm going to use to prove something that I thought of last night in great detail but have now forgotten. So it's more of a "think it went something like this" theory. According to the internet there are 7 steps when conducting an experiment. Which is about 6 more than I want to do. However, I'm somewhat committed now. Effort Level: Couch.

Purpose/Question - Is the acronym, MILF's, a discriminatory acronym since it appears to exclude anyone that is not the mother of a human child?

Research - Ask some people*.

Hypothesis - If I ask some people what they think and they don't agree with me, I will change the results to fit my purpose/question that will prove that it is a very discriminatory statement and that I am right.

Experiment - Since I am not a MILF, I took a group of people** (sample is the scientific word) from the general population to see if they would be interested in "aheming"*** me despite the fact that I am not a mother. 20 out of 20 said no. Types of people in this sample:

• Squirrels
• Homeless guy from down the street
• Hot guy at the bar that I didn't actually ask because I decided it was a forgone conclusion
• My pen pal. Note: Must get pen pal
• Bus driver that I pulled up next to. To be fair, not sure he understood the question and there were a lot of school kids listening
• Pot plant

Analysis - There are two kinds of people in this world. I don't like either one of them. What I mean is, based on my analysis, you're wrong, you know you're wrong so just stand there in your wrongness and be wrong.  Results were confusing.

Conclusion - Yes.

General Thoughts:

1. Can we start a campaign to get the word out about MOCILF's****. Must make clear that this refers to human mothers not actual cat mothers. That would be wrong.
2. I've never seen a more diligent, comprehensive, accurate results-oriented scientific experiment. Great job, me. I am ready for NASA. Or MENSA. Or some other acronym where smart peoples go.
3. Science is easy.  You don't actually need to leave your couch to prove out your theory.  

*And by people I mean myself and Albert. Who has a very strong point of view about this. For a cat.
**Did not actually do this as would have meant getting up from couch.  Asked Albert same question 20 times.  Then interpreted his lack of response/interest for results for my analysis. Wanted to use scientific notebook but found back of hand was handier.
***I need a word so that I don't have to say that word and have my mouth washed out with soap. You all know what I mean.
****Don't really feel this needs much explanation but there's always someone that doesn't get it. Mothers Of Cats I'd Like to Ahem.

Nup...Can't Be Bothered

I don't have anything in my head so I'm taking a day off. Maybe even a couple. Because that's what you can do when you have your own blog. You can't do that with work. Unless you put in for time off and even then it's touch and go. You can't just not show. But I can just not show here. Because this is mine. All mine. And quite frankly it's not paying off the way it was supposed to.

May be something will happen today that's worth writing about tomorrow but by the looks of the meetings I have lined up, I wouldn't hold your breath. You will die. And on that positive note, I think I'll take a work nap.

Oh, Who Are The People In Your Neighbohood, In Your Neighborhood...

Oh, right like you don't know that song.

This past weekend, I did something very brave. I organized a neighborhood get-together. It was very brave of me.  Mostly because I don't like people. But I belong to this things called nextdoor.com which might just be for the West Hollywood area or it might be world-wide. Basically people post comments/advice on what things have been stolen from them*, the best dog walkers, painters, house cleaners and call out people who have parked badly. And it seemed a little ridiculous that with all this sharing going on, no one has actually met anyone else and we should all get completely hammered together**.  So I did.  They weren't as good as it as me. 

I gave everyone 3 weeks notice so no one could come up with a lame last minute excuse.  Not that it bothered some people.  I would like to thank all the elderly people that came out.  Young people these days have no manners.  OId is where it is.  It's because they don't have cell phones so they feel like they have to show up.

It was an ok turnout for a first meeting.  Not as many hot single guys as I'd been hoping for.  But you can only go up from zero, right?  A lot of single older women, think they had the same idea as me but everyone knows that as host you get first pick.  First pick of nothing is...well, that's a lot of math but I think 8.    

As I sat there nursing my cider***, I congratulated myself on doing this and getting it out of the way.  Time for someone else to take charge, I'd done my bit for community spirit.  These people will get no more out of me.  I was quite firm on that, as only I can be.  So next month I will be organizing a pot-luck BBQ at a park.   

*I am surprised that people are suprised that the unlocked bike that they paid thousands for so that they could be Ironman champion of the world has been stolen from their backyard. Maybe it's because here this is a nation of people shooting people whereas New Zealand is a nation of people stealing the rug out from under you. That was my little soapbox rant about the ridiculous gun laws and amount of unnecessary shootings that there are in this country. Honestly, theft is a much better problem to have. I'm also surprised that thieves are perfectly ok with just getting a portion of the bike. There are a lot of extra wheels out there and I'm thinking a lot of burglars that use a unicycle to make their getaway.
**This used to be my brother's approach to a new job, get hammered the first week with your new co-workers, show them your break-dancing moves and act like nothing happened on Monday.
***I'm on a cider kick this summer.  Despite being there for 3 hours, they all only stuck with the one drink so I had to strike a deal with the waitress that involved slipping me ciders on the sly.  Apparently it was because they had to walk home.  Exactly the opposite reason why I thought having more than one was a good idea.  Drinking and walking totally mix.  I looked both ways when crossing the road and only had a conversation with one inanimate object.   

Ninja Things I have Done

1. None

Wait, this one time - someone threw a ball at me and I caught it with my hands. Not my face.

Ninja things Albert has done:

1. None. He's a cat. Not a ninja*. Besides you can hear him coming from a mile away. Also, he hasn't disappeared, he's under the couch.

 *I would swap him for a ninja. Or a taco man.

I Know This Is Kind Of Cheating...

 ...but I can't write this kind of stuff. The tears were literally rolling down my face...

These are actual online posts from people. For those of you who don't spend enough time on Pinterest*, you're welcome.

*What's wrong with you?

Jobs I have had - Part 2

I forgot I had written Part 1 of this and since I have had a lot of jobs*, I'm thinking I can really stretch this out

My best job ever?  Painting female garden gnomes. I picked this job up from the job board at University** where it had been posted by a lesbian couple that were pissed off that there was no such thing as a female garden gnome.  Apparently when they researched it, they found that you don't see female garden gnomes because they're underground in the kitchen, looking after the children...sometimes research does not help a situation.  I know, I can hardly believe how little publicity has been given to the sexist gnome industry.  It's a hotpot of contention, right out there in your garden.

So, they set out to rectify the situation.  They created concrete casts and churned out three different female gnomes - Female Doctor Gnome, Regular Garden Variety Female Gnome and Female Musician Gnome.  There was a lot of trial and error, the first one they ended up with was Female Slutty Barbie Gnome***.  Several others committed suicide in the kiln.  Suicide by explosion.

Finally they ended up with an acceptable counterpart to all the man gnomes out there.  Unfortunately when it came to painting them and filling in the detail on their faces, there was a lack of a creative gift.  So they hired me.  I would go to their place 3 times a week for about 3-4 hours and paint female garden gnomes.  They left me alone with the radio, a cup of tea, biscuits and their corgi asleep on my feet.  I've never been happier.  

One of the women is a fairly well-known author in New Zealand and in one of her books she actually makes mention of me.  I'm all about proof that ridiculous sounding situations like this actually happen to me.

Unfortunately, I not only don't get an actual name but she also fails to make mention of my Van Gogh-like skills.  I've since moved on to much more sophisticated work.  I think we all remember my niece's Valentines Day gifts??

After a while, they lost interest in the Female Garden Gnome business and I was out of work.  Mostly because they had several stolen from their garden and had to make the call to the Police to report them missing.  You don't get a lot of support from the Police in situations like that.  A lot of hysterical laughing but not support.

Let me just say that the one on the left was done by me.  The other one.  Was not.

Here's one of the miniature ones, complete with my custom butterfly.  Each variety had a custom addition.  A red cross or stethoscope for Dr Gnome, a treble clef for Musician Gnome and the butterfly for Garden Gnome.

*I had trouble figuring out my true calling.  Still not quite there..
**Back when you looked for jobs in the newspaper and "online" wasn't even a word.  
***The artist felt she had some leeway (she did not) with the sketches of a sturdy female gnome in sensible dress and clogs. Heels really elongate the gnome legs.

My Party Weekend

This past weekend, I went to two parties. Mostly because I was sandwiched between the two and wouldn't have been able to sleep anyway. Also, I think they forgot to invite me so I didn't want to embarass them by not showing up...

The neighbor in the building next to me was celebrating her birthday in the driveway/parking spot at the back and the neighbor on the other side, in my building, was also celebrating a birthday.

So, on my left, I have the all-American producer/director type party with a complete stereo system, fancy beer and a taco man.  On my right, I have a Middle-Eastern themed party with (mostly gay) Australian actors, complete with rugs and cushions for lounging on the concrete.

At one point there was talk of tearing down the Berlin Wall between us and combining but then we realized (a) the wall was made of heavy duty concrete blocks and only one person was stupid enough to try that.  Multiple times. Too much fancy beer, I think (b) it was not a landlord-approved renovation (c) one side of the party were a bunch of tossers and we didn't want to fraternize with them anyway. Sorry, Australia - America wins the bunch of tossers award.  Even with points for having a taco man*.  

I'm just gonna go ahead and say it - I love my Australian neighbors. I know I'm supposed to hate them but they are always so welcoming despite the fact that I am much younger and better looking than them**. I try to be their parent figure (even though they have expressed no desire for this but obviously as the parent figure - I have experience with Albert - I know best) but having no sense of responsibility probably doesn't help.  Although I did raise a questioning eyebrow when they lit the Tiki torches out at the front of the driveway.  Having raised said eyebrow, my job was done and I agreed that a fire was only 50% likely which was excellent odds.  Also my apartment is on the other side.

I tried to make conversation with some of the Americans - when I asked one guy what he did, he told me he was "in the Biz"***.  Not entirely sure what "the Biz" is and when I pressed him on it, he wasn't really able to explain and just said "you know - same as everyone here".  Since I didn't know anyone, that didn't help but I guess he wasn't used to people not accepting stupid blanket statements.  Then he informed me that "Well, actually I'm just about to start at this company that is notoriously hard to get into. I'll be working "in production" so it's kind of a big deal."  Since I was still being polite at that stage****, I asked where and he smirked and announced with way more pomp and ceremony than was warranted - "NBCUniversal."  I tried to look suitably impressed which didn't happen. So to save the situation, I announced with a lot more pomp and ceremony than was necessary, that I already work there and they basically hired me off the street. Might have stretched it a little when I mentioned that I was kind of a big deal*****. So he left.  

And then I left.  And I took the taco man.


*When I win the lottery, I'm going to have a hairdresser, make-up person and taco man on standby. At all times.
**And by younger and better looking, I mean, I am lying.  And old.  And a bit past my best...
***Bit wanky.
****I was only on Cider Number 1. Of 2.
*****Think at that point he realized I had out-wankered him.

Honestly, This Is The Last One...

Today is my last day ever in the online dating world. I'm celebrating by sharing these gems with you.

So this is nice.  Apparently he got mad that I didn't respond to his first pleasant greeting.  Over time I've learned that if you're not interested, you should just not engage as things can turn nasty as you try and explain why you're not actually in love with them after an initial hello.  Apparently they can turn nasty whether you respond or not.  If you're wondering why I didn't respond: 1. Lives 200 miles away 2. Is 27 3. Is looking for a "good christian woman" when my profile clearly says agnostic (possibly he thought he could turn me?).  Update on his love status: He has been banned from this site so will not be finding love any time soon.  No one calls me "bitch" and walks away without consequences...

There are a lot of things wrong with this.  No woman in their right mind is going to be attracted to a man whose screen name is "TOMCAT".  He claims to have an advanced degree - I'm willing to bet, it's not in Communication and does not involve the ability to write proper English.  Also, I deleted his email address but it's a "hot male" one.  Intentional pun or just a stupid man - you be the judge.  Finally, not only is he looking for a woman in his life, he is also looking for a fish farmer wife to labor for him.  

Really?  Yes, it did.  It was a f*%$ing long way.

Yes, I am sweet.  Except to the one that called me "Bitch".  And some others.  Dear.

Now I have dogs writing to me?  I've always wanted a husky.

Just the two requirements then?

And by "solid" do you mean you are a barrel of a man or you put in a solid performance?  Thinking of hooking him up with the guy above who's looking for a fish farmer wife.  Seems like this one has a lot of experience.

Thank goodness because I am not accepting applications from any weaklings.  I'll go as far as "strong as a St Bernard" but am really holding out hope for an Ox.  Also I like that his perfect match is very clearly spelled out.  You can have any other characteristics as long as you fulfill those.

Oh I don't know - maybe the next time you don't live 2138 miles away.  And yes, I know if I'm attracted to you.  I am not.

And for the finale. 

If anyone knows what this means, please advise.  I think the concept is there but the execution is not...

One-Handedness

When you live by yourself, you learn to do a lot of things with one hand:

1. Bandage yourself after being punctured with any one of the following: staple gun, drill (half inch bit - if you're lucky), BBQ skewer (this is needed for turning off the smoke alarm. You just stab at it until the off button accidentally gets hit or the whole thing falls off the ceiling) and hammer (claw-end obviously - you may wonder how this happens.  Pretty common if you ask me - one minute you're vigorously hammering something and the next, it flies backwards out of your hand and the claw part lands in your eye.  Or your cats.). You will need to apply a tourniquet depending on the severity of the wound which I find is usually a direct correlation to the type of home improvement you are failing to improve.
2. Replace light bulbs - one hand to hold yourself onto the stool balanced on the chair, the other to remove the casing and old bulb, extract new bulb from the safety of your bra - what? where else was I going to put it on the climb up? - and replace.  Always have vacuum ready to clean up the shards from either the casing or the old bulb.  You're going to drop one of them.
3. Thought this would be a longer list.

Brilliant Idea - Yet Again

Just had great idea - will watch DVR'd shows and randomly pause them to get great expressions on the actor's faces. Can then post them and make a lot of money*

Just did one. I'm bored.  I'm more of an ideas man than an action man.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4Lrbw4-vkFM 

Whilst this is definitely a great idea, it's more work than I thought and I can't make the TV screen paused picture get on to my computer so I can make money.  If someone wants this idea, I will sell it to you for $100,000**

*Not sure how that works.  Still think I am missing key piece of puzzle.  I post stuff all the time and I have not made one red cent...
**Ahh, this is how you make the money.  Flawless plan.  Can't wait for people to buy this idea.  

Stuff That Happens In My Neighborhood

On Tuesday as I was leaving for work (note, did not fall down stairs this time so already day was looking up), I found that 4 blocks around my place had been shut down by the police and the helicopter was circling.  Ahh good times, reminded me of my place in Echo Park where you got nervous if the helicopter wasn't there*.  About 8 cop cars and multiple cops running around with guns.

People were being told to go inside and lock the doors so they all stood out on the street in their pajamas instead.  Authority means nothing to this town of actors - it's more important to observe in case they ever need to play one of these parts.  Police were running up and down the alleys, in and out of buildings because apparently there was a burglar running wild.  

Two things:

1. Why would he pick that time of day to burgle people?  Everyone's getting up and getting ready for the day.  Could he not have gone and had a coffee for an hour until people left for work?  Terrible planning on his part.
2. Who here thinks they could have taken him?  Albert could have taken him.  From under the couch.  With a well-timed swipe of his paw. 

   

   So we needed a police helicopter, 15 officers, some guns and some interested bystanders that just bystanded to take this guy down? 

*Throwback to diary post**, 2013: My street tonight - gunshots and now police helicopter circling. Police just used loud speaker thingy to tell those in the yellow house on the corner of Reservoir St to come out with their hands up and walk backwards to the side walk. I'm diagonal from the yellow house. Also, forgot color of house so have just gone out to check. Green/blue. I'm good. They keep telling a woman in the house to come out, she's not cooperating. Helicopter lights must be pretty powerful if they can tell someone is still in the house and it's a woman - have therefore decided to put clothes on. Also feel woman is not a very good criminal if she doesn't know to stay away from the windows and hide. Have sent Albert out to scout. Have retrieved Albert from under couch and sent him out again. Don't read this, Mum.
**Just kidding, I'm too lazy to have a diary - I stole this from my FB post. Well, I mean I have a diary because I love notebooks, I just don't like to write in them. It ruins them. Words ruin notebooks.

50 Shades Of Shavasana

I don't really know what that title means but I thought of it during shavasana so I think that means something. I think it also means that I wasn't supposed to be thinking of things other than nothing while I was practicing shavasana. Here's a list of some other things that I wasn't thinking:

1. I have laundry to do - why I am lying here doing nothing when I have laundry to do?
2. This floor slopes downwards. That's probably why my ankles look fat. It's not me, it's the floor.
3. I am thinking of nothing, I am thinking of nothing. Cow wearing tap shoes. Shit.
4. Shavasana, schmasana. Hmm. That's one word that doesn't really work with the whole "sch" thing. It's no Joe Schmoe.
5. I wonder what that person next to me would do if I touched their arm. If she touched my arm, I'd bite her. I have a no touch during shavasana rule
6. The first rule of shavasana is that nobody talks about shavasana. That's because we all feel guilty for not thinking about nothing.
7. If I'm not thinking about nothing, does that mean I'm thinking about something? How does that work with double negatives? Aren't I supposed to be in an enlightened frame of mind right now. Enlightened feels an awful lot like confused.
8. I'm hungry
9. Well, now everyone can hear that I'm hungry. The whale mating sounds aren't coming from the relaxing music.
10. I can never come back here again
11. "If you're happy and you know it, clap your hands!" There's no clapping in Shavasana
12. Was Yogi Bear a Yogi? "Hey there, Boo, Boo - let's make our way to Downward Dog."
13. Focus, Focuus, Fooccuuussss. Nope. Lost it.
14. This music is very soothing. I bet I couldn't dance to it. 
15. I love everyone.
16. Wait.  Not everyone.  I don't love that screaming child outside.
17. I love almost everyone.  Just not that kid, the firetruck, ambulance, those people staring at us and some others that come to mind.
18. I'm mildly fond of just a few people.
19. I hate everyone. 
20. Am I at 50 yet?  I might have to skip a couple.  Maybe no one will notice.
21. 20 is the new 50.  That doesn't even make sense.
22. Well shit, now I finished on an odd number.  I don't trust odd numbers
23. I was born on an odd number.  Maybe it's even numbers I don't trust.  
24. All numbers are bad as soon as you have to do math-like things with them.
25. I guess 25 is the new 50.    

Names I would Name the Children I Don't Have

I'm bound to offend someone with this. I thought about apologizing. And then I thought, no.

1. Twins - Beryl and Trevor
2. Albert Nigel. Because this is already proven to be a great name. Then I would have Albert Nigel the cat and Albert Nigel the imaginary child. Who could be boy or girl since I think the names are gender neutral. Albert is a lovely girls name. Bert for short.
3. Doctor. This will make my imaginary kid sound super smart. First day of school - "Doctor Finlayson?" "Here." Those other kids won't stand a chance.
4. Shifty Dodger (could either be hyphenated or a first and second name)
5. Dodgy Shifter (same as above)
6. Vegas - this will be the one time where what happened in Vegas is pretty frickin' obvious.
7. Cinderella - what little girl doesn't want to be named after a princess?  Only see this as an issue if it's a boy...
8. Cheese.  Cos I love cheese.  I also love peanut butter but that would be mean and my imaginary kid would probably get teased a lot.  By its imaginary friends.
9. I think I will have 9 imaginary children (surprisingly, it's not as hard as the real thing.  Apparently).  2-8 will just be chronological order e.g. 2nd, 3rd etc.  
10. 4Real.  Banned in New Zealand but I live in America!  Apparently the story behind this is that when the father found out that they were expecting, he cried out "4real!" in complete surprise.  Not "for real" like you might expect.  And there was no zed added on as in "4realz".  Which is a shame.  Other banned names included Anal, Christ, Messiah , Mr, *, Majesti (nice creative spelling there) and Juztice (also showing good use of the "Z").  

We're a fairly unique country but not alone - Sweden also banned Superman and Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116.  Which looks like what Albert typed in an email to his grandmother last night. When he lay down on the keyboard to do it...

Taking Stock...

Since it's Monday and that means the end of the world has arrived, I thought I would take stock of all the things I have recently failed at*.

1. Being a "Crazy Cat Lady". I only have one - the prerequisite is 2 or more. And he's not really a cat. More of a small dog/child/eyeless creature.
2. Building a kibbutz. Although to be fair, I only just thought of doing that now.
3. That's all.

*Yes, I know, your normal, regular person looks at their successes but I am neither normal or regular and I think you learn more from your failures. For instance, I will not try them again since I clearly can't do them. Important lesson - know your limits.

For those that need a visual aid, can't read or got bored...

Why Friday Why?

Why you gotta be like Monday, Friday?

You know it's going to be a bad day when you leave your house on your way to work and fall down the stairs, landing on the concrete in front of a group of kids on their way to school, all the people walking their dog and most of your neighborhood. Good news is, the computer is still intact and only bounced a little*. Bad news, dress came up over head and was wearing a thong. Good news, only half the people saw that. Bad news, no one clapped.

You know how people always say "it's not as bad as it looks"?  Well I think this is worse than it looks.  I may not make it and it's definitely all over for the knee.

Going to go to the doctor and ask for this.

This is the only way to save the knee.  And contain the bleeding**.  And associated trauma.  Partly from the dress/thong thing.

*Not mine anyway so felt it was perfectly ok to use it to break my fall.
**Update: the bleeding stopped.  Actually stopped about a minute after the initial impact.  I might have over-reacted.

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 3

And so we come to the end of my experiment. I'm a little sad that I won't be waking up to anymore gems but thankful that none of them got my number.

These fine gentlemen seem to be locationally challenged.

Oh good.  You go there and I'll continue to stay here in LA.  Where I live.  Which is what it says on my profile.  Auckland is short on pianists.  It'll be perfect for you.

Well isn't that nice and convenient. Only a 2-3 hour drive for me to go and meet you. 

Ok, so I know I said I wouldn't post pictures but this was just asking to be shared.  First of all, this is Take 2 - his first one was the same pose minus the underwear until the "powers-that-be" got wise and removed it.  He had six more just like this.  For an added bonus, read his profile below.

Not only is he gifted in areas, he is also good at most things.  Unfortunately he's looking for someone that is honest and sweet.  It would never work.

He wants nice, slow, honest conversation.  Sounds like a long evening.

This man is definitely the smartest of the lot.  I hate to disagree with him.  So I won't.

On the one hand, he's giving me a compliment.  On the other hand...

I wonder if I get additional bonus points to add to the "no kids" thing if I can actually swim.  Which I can.  We all learn how to in New Zealand - just in case we fall off our island.

I hate to reveal his user name because now you'll all want to date him.  Probably because of his ability to use logic.

This one totally threw me for a loop - his ability to string sentences together is marginal.  And I quote "Hello me meet to real me..." Seems clear.  And then he threw "scintilla" in there.  Where did he pluck scintilla from and actually use it in the right context? Followed closely by "...and a bit of classic rock would be as fine as in the book of yours."  Whose book?  What book are we talking about? 

I know he asked that I not judge him and I'm trying not to, this is more of a question.  Are you saying you have your kids name tattooed on your face?  Or your kids face tattooed on you?  In an undisclosed location.  Thanks for not judging nobody...

I think it's clear that my options are limited...

Online Dating - My Last Attempt: Part 2

The good news is that I will never run out of material. The bad news is I can't stand it any longer so my month long experiment is nearly over with.

This very charming Indian gentleman has some great theories on why I am single.  I agree with him.  Although he left out "stupid."

He goes on to provide us all with some valuable information on Indian cell phone rates.  I think if we all bundle our plans we might be able to get a group discount.  Who's with me?

I guess he watched a lot of "Friends" and thought if it worked for Joey, it might work for him.  It didn't.

Look, I'm willing to look past a missing "g" and hope that "huging" isn't actually a thing.  I'll even accept that man-sized fingers caused him to write completely nonsensical stuff.  What I'm struggling with is the lean meat comment.  Also that seems like a lot of meat.  Right?  Is that on top of his non-lean meat?  Should I ask for a complete breakdown?

Isn't it illegal to use lines like this? 

No.  Feel that he's not entirely sold on me. He needs to see more so he can make up his mind.  FYI - both my photos clearly show me and my face, there is no blurring, sunglasses or pictures of things that are not of me for them to be confused about...wish I could say the same for most of theirs.  For the record, I was not sold on him from his very first picture.  Or his extremely interesting description of riding dirt bikes for fun.

Do the capital letters mean something?  Am I to be his Only Friend?  He seems to have a very non-discriminate use of capitals.  Which when read with emphasis on the said capitals, sounds quite extreme. 

I've never been "defiantly" kissed.  Does anyone have any experience with that?  Sounds like maybe I said no to a kiss and he did it anyway.  Also, Santa Barbara is a bit of a drive....

I must say, I think it's very nice that if he had a sweater he would give it to me.  However he's quite emphatic that only IF we had fun would he ask me out again.  Stands to reason.

Keep it simple, people. 

Right, because demanding things always works well with me...

I'm not sure where to even start with this one.  Seems like he starts out unsure how to talk about himself and then manages to.  Not coherently but maybe it made sense in his head.  This is his first time in line.  For reals.

He goes on to add...well, a bunch more stuff that doesn't sense.

So, this is going well.  These all seem very promising.