Bartending...

There are some days when I wake up and I just want to go and be a bartender for a while. Which means I can go back to sleep because my shift is not going to start until at least 5pm. I wouldn't have to think about all my Sourcing and Digital responsibilities, I could just leave at the end of my shift and make a mental note to order more olives the next day.

But I would Source the crap out of those olives. Probably just run a quick RFP, bring them all in for olive demos*, run a reverse auction, beat them down on price and negotiate a contract. Or just go to Ralph's and buy a jar....

I have been a bartender in a prior life and for where I was at that time, I loved it. Work until the wee hours of the morning, staffies** every night, sleep late and repeat. At the high point of my bar career, I could pour one liter jugs of beer from the taps, maintain witty banter and never spill a drop. At the low point, I would spill every drop and at the lowest point, I would have a full bottle of Navy Rum pour out on my head after not screwing the nip pourer in tight enough. 

These are fancy, more secure ones but was a very easy accident to happen and I'm going to say it happened more than once but always with different types of alcohol.  I don't play favorites.

The Prospect of Howick - my first bar job

*If you're wondering what this entails...me too. I would imagine the olive vendors would show correct olive and drink pairings, extol the benefits of pitted versus non-pitted, do some taste tests - which would be useless for me as I would need them to bring some pizza to put under the olives and then I would pick them all off.
**Free drinks with all the staff at the end of the night - we all had Smurf names and failure to use the correct Smurf name would result in having to take a shot.  Messy.  For the record, I was Smurfette.  Yes, I know.  Big surprise.

Hood To Coast

Every year I try and take on a new physical challenge - mostly because I am not sportily* inclined and this is my way of disproving my own theory. Sometimes I am right so I give that up immediately and sometimes I am pleasantly surprised at my ability. Needless to say, I have always managed to complete what I've started. Just not always at the level of "extreme athlete". But as the Nike mantra goes "If you have a body, you are an athlete". Maybe a step down to "sort of sucky athlete" but still an athlete.

In past years, I have run half marathons, learned to pole dance and this year I plan on learning to surf. However one of my most memorable accomplishments was in 2008 when I competed in one of the longest relay races in the world.
 
For those who are unfamiliar with it, Hood to Coast is an overnight, long-distance relay race held in Oregon, annually in late August. It's one of the longest and largest relays in the world with approximately12,600 participants. The first race was in 1982 and the course runs approximately 320 km (200 mi) from Timberline Lodge on the slopes of Mount Hood, through the Portland metropolitan area, and over the Oregon Coast Range to the beach town of Seaside on the Oregon Coast. The course consists of 35 legs and each member of the 6 person team runs 3 legs**

Things that are bad about it:

• You have to run 
• You have to sleep in a field that is the perfect hunting ground for murderers and zombies.  Appropriately the township is called Mist.

Not dead, just sleeping.  Unless they are dead.

• You have to run
• People will overtake you and they will be 100 years old.
• You have to run
• You will over carbo load telling yourself it's a necessity and then pasta will come back and bite you in the arse.  Right while you are running
• You have to run
• There will come a time when you need to use the bathroom*** while you are running and there will be no bathroom so you will duck into what is supposed to be a forest-like area and it will be the saddest example of forestry you have ever seen and the gaps between the trees will be as wide as Alaska and there will be no privacy and you will wait until people have run past before you squat and then because the year you are participating is the year that they are filming a documentary about the race, the film crew will come past.  With their cameras.  It will not be your proudest moment**** 

Things that are good about it:

• You get to spend a lot of time with your close friends.  In a sweaty, stinky van.  After running.  Wrong list.
• You don't have to run the whole way, just three times!  Which is three times too much.
• You can eat many peanut butter sandwiches even though you are allergic to wheat because you need it for energy.  And then there will be an incident like the one above... 
• At the end, they feed you and give you plenty of alcohol.  Which is just what you feel like after running a race and having no sleep.
• There are sand sculptures...   

I did this.  Except for the sand part..

I want to share some of my photos from the race but in order to protect the privacy of my friends who I was too lazy to ask if I could put them up here, I have cleverly camouflaged them.  We were team "Victorious Secret"...

Van 1 at the finish.  Not the best fitting bra's in the world...

Right before you run 5 miles, you should drink Red Bull.  That will be your first and last mistake involving Red Bull.

Here's the Start - our first runner is somewhere else.  The good news is he was listening to some great music and getting amped for the run.  The bad news is, he had his headphones in and missed the start...

I'm not going to name names here but this is a less than manly tattoo, James Steve...

Why, yes that is me running.  I just let him overtake me for the publicity shot and then I totally beat him*****.

Photo Bomb - Level: Me.  In a van.  Also, Liz's hair.

How to exit a van in 100 easy manoeuvres.  This is me but was not a good face.  I think the yellow looks nice...

It's important to stretch.  It's also important to mock someone who is stretching...

And for the finale...Steve Postfontaine

*Turns out this is not a word. But you get my meaning...
**Have done the math and even though I got 9.4, have verified that the above is correct. My calculator must be broken...
***And not for number 1...
****This happened to someone else.  Not me.  My "friend".
*****Not a true story 

Things I Don't Know How To Buy*

• Computers. The good news is I work in Digital Technology. The bad news is, none of it appears to have rubbed off. I know I need GB's and RAM and Space Invaders but that's about it.
• Cars. The important things like heated seats are apparently only important to me. Imagine my joy on discovering that there was also such a thing as heated steering wheels. And then I find myself offering $10,000 more for these assets while the car salesman looks on...somewhat embarrassed by my inability to negotiate off MSRP**.
• Jeans. Does anyone?  This is where you need to take your most honest friend and a sippy cup of alcohol.  You may not be friends at the end of it but you will still have your sippy cup.  And no jeans.
• Mangoes.  Apparently if they're squishy, they're over-ripe.  So I buy the firmer ones.  And surprise, they're hard.  And does anyone know how to cut the stupid things?  Mangoes are all fun and games until you try and buy one.  And then cut one up.  And then eat one.  To summarize: Mangoes are not all fun and games.  

*The good news is that I negotiate for a living.  The bad news is I cannot apply it in my own life.  This is only bad news for me.  Go one, sell me something...you'll get twice what you asked for and a bonus one-eyed cat thrown in for good measure.
**Whatever that is...

Youth Of Today

Over the weekend I met up with my friend Ned (not his real name*), a good friend from home who is in town for a conference. We met at his hotel in downtown LA where interestingly enough the Miley Cyrus concert was happening next door. This is a very nice hotel, however Ned was surprised that there were so many prostitutes hanging around in the lobby. He was even more surprised when I pointed out that they were not prostitutes, just Miley Cyrus concert goers.

Good news for us - 2 hours of quality people watching and building up our list of "What Not To Wear".

• No tutus**
• No leotards - I really wasn't expecting this one. Feel like the skirt might have fallen off in the taxi but she seemed awfully comfortable strolling around the Marriott. Nice sparkly silver jacket though...
• Shorts that don't fit. Seemed very popular item. Must also come up higher than one's crotch. I know, doesn't seem possible. In some cases, it wasn't possible but didn't stop them trying...
• Silver bra.  Apparently a stand-alone item.  Who knew.
• Extreme wedge heels. Which is fine.  As long as you know how to walk in them.  Some very weak ankles out there.  There is a right and wrong way to walk in sky high heels - if you look like a new born calf trying to stand, you're doing it wrong.

*Ironically this is not his real name, however this is what we have always called him so even thought it is an alias, I have now blown his cover. Sorry Ned.
**Maybe I can rock one from time to time but Ned felt it was a little much for him and he might have to shave his legs. I said why bother - they hadn't...

Not Chelsea Handler

Don't even look like her other than we both have blond hair. But have been asked once in New York if I was her. To which I replied (in my New Zealand accent), yes. The fan seemed satisfied that she had seen a celebrity. I waved at her like the Pope and continued buying my lunch.

The other time was when I was walking into work - I walked past the studio where they film Chelsea Lately and there is an enormous poster of her. As I was walking, one of the Studio Tour trams came by and the announcer announced that there was Chelsea Handler standing outside her studio. A lot of people have a lot of pictures of not Chelsea Handler. I am in a lot of stranger's photos. This time I waved like a princess. 

Chelsea Handler.  Poses like a professional.

Not Chelsea Handler.  Looks dazed and confused.

Earthquake Survival Kit

My sister-in-law and I have had a conversation several times about getting an Earthquake Survival Kit ready as we both live in very earthquake prone areas and think it would be an excellent idea. And then we don't. But it is a very good idea and one day we will be very sorry.

I've even gone as far as looking up what should go into a kit but seemed like it missed some essential items so I'm making my own list.  For the sake of this "experiment" I'm assuming that I am buried under rubble in my house*. 

If anyone wants me to make them an Earthquake Survival Kit, I will give you the Friends & Family discount of 1%.  Please let me know if you want it in Pink or Blue.

*Am unsure if it's lucky that I live on the ground floor so will not be collapsing with the house, however house will be collapsing on me.

Things I Did Not Grow Up With And Look How Good I Turned Out*

1. Hand sanitizer - this is a pet peeve of mine. I can't go to a meeting without someone hand sanitizing after shaking hands with everyone. There are handy hand sanitizers in every lobby so we can wash ourselves free of all germs. In fact I doubt there will ever be a zombie apocalypse because we will just hand sanitize them to death and they won't know what hit them. And that makes me sad. I was looking forward to the apocalypse. I am skeptical about my ability to stand up, fight and survive as I think I might be the type that curls into a ball and rocks and keens while I wait for my demise. But I wanted to at least see what I would do. Anyway, the point is that I did not grow up with hand sanitizer, I fail to see it make the slightest dent in children getting colds/flu etc and deliberately passing them on to me. I grubbed around on the floor, ate whatever I found there, didn't hand sanitize before I greeted my friends and with the exception of a small bout of tuberculosis,** I made it through to adulthood. So, I refuse to use it. And for those that do, I am developing a strain of diseases*** that will not be put down by your hand sanitizer security
2. On the weekend, I saw a baby stroller/pram that seemed less about not having to carry the child yourself than cramming as many attachments on as humanely possible. When I was a kid, the stroller was for sitting in and being pushed. That was it. Mothers put their grocery bags on the handles and tried to remember to remove them before letting go - sometimes a baby doesn't weigh as much as produce and there would be a short tussle resulting in the bags winning and the stroller tipping backwards****. Apparently strollers now have the following features:

• A computer attached to it to monitor the temperature - how is this helpful? You either left with a sweater or you didn't. Do you need to know that it feels colder and you didn't bring another blanket for the baby? Do you now feel like a bad parent?
• It also shows how fast you are pushing. Is it a competition? Are you logged in to a site with other mothers where you post your results and the fastest pusher wins a prize? Or is it a safety feature? Shit, too fast, too fast!
• And how far you have walked - it doesn't matter, you don't have to carry the little bugger***** so just be thankful
• A cell phone charger - secretly I like this but I can't because I'm ranting
• A cup holder - people are losing their skills, mothers once balanced coffee, an umbrella, pushed and dragged another little bugger alongside the stroller. Now, they put their coffee in the cup holder - and by the way, there was no Starbucks when I grew up so if you wanted coffee, you brought a thermos
• Heat resistant handlebar - parents have gone soft. I can say that because I am not a parent. Except of a cat and he won't get in the heat resistant handlebar computerized stroller that I bought him
• 26 riding options - I don't even know what this means. Well, I do now because I looked it up. This is the number of different positions you can turn your stroller into so your kid can lie down, sit up at varying degrees, stand, skateboard, face forward, face backward, have a hissy fit etc. One stroller boasted 55 different positions. There aren't even that many sex positions.
• Auto brakes - apparently if you take your hands off the handlebar, the stroller stops. Where is the element of danger that we all faced? There is no excitement in life if you are not constantly faced with the threat of dying.

*My language skills might be questionable but I think I done pretty well.
**See previous posts
***Not actually true as I don't know how to do Sciency stuff. Vaguely feel as though it involves a petri dish. And gloves. I should wear gloves.
****No babies were hurt in this post
*****It's my blog, I can call them whatever. Please direct your complaints/outrage to Idon'tcare.com and I will respond immediately

Things I Am Guilty Of...

1. Feeling the need to push the pedestrian crossing button more than once. In case it didn't quite understand what I wanted....
2. Not making my bed every day. Actually I make it only when I change the sheets. Don't tell my mother...
3. When I use "Spray 'n Wipe" in the shower, I usually just spray and hope for the best.
4. Remembering to water my plants. They're so needy.
5. Not answering the phone. If I don't want to talk, I won't pick up. This is very different to my mother's generation - right in the middle of our skype call, the phone will ring and she will put me on hold to go answer it. And it will be her best friend who she saw an hour ago for coffee. And here I am, billions* of miles away...on hold.
6. Stopping at Stop signs. I'm more of a pauser...
7. Putting the new toilet roll in the holder. Why bother, it'll be finished soon. I do it when guests come over....so as not to seem lazy 
8. Shopping. But only for essentials like ball gowns.
9. Forgetting that I'm watching a recorded show and swearing at the ads for taking too long...
10. Buying jeans that look exactly like all the other ones I own.  I know I'm not the only one...
11. Pretending to myself that I went to the dentist.  Sometimes I get caught and have to pretend go again.
12. Wearing stripes with plaid.**
13. Licking the tops of cupcakes.  Then putting them back.
14. Coveting thy neighbor's cake.
15. Mixing my drinks.  I never learn...

*Accurate 
**Horizontal stripes no less.  I think this is known as the 8th deadly sin.

How Old Would You Be If You Didn't Know How Old You Were?

I would look 40 but act like 13 because I am very immature*. I would tell everyone I was 26 and fight anyone that disputed it. Which takes me back to 13 again...**

*Yes this is a cop-out post, however I have noticed very minimal readership at the beginning of the week so I can hardly waste my good stuff on just 7 of you.
**Is anyone else confused about what this is actually about? Sometimes you start out strong and it just falls apart in the middle. Or sometimes you start out like this and then you just go home.

President's Day

Today is President's Day in the US, so a public holiday for some. Since I am President of this blog*, I am having a public holiday...

*Newly appointed. Until recently, I was Treasurer of the blog but that seems to be a redundant position...

Valentine's Day

Since I have now made a point of observing all holidays blogularly*, I can hardly skip Valentine's Day. Even though it's not a real holiday and apparently not everyone is allowed to participate. I could go out with some single friends and we could pretend that we don't know what day it is or I could sit and reflect on some of my past Valentine's Day's gifts...

One time, I painted a terracotta pot with a heart and sent it to the boy I had a crush on at the time. It was pretty impressive but I don't know what I was thinking. What 18 year old male wants to get a planter pot as a gift? It wasn't even filled with anything. What did I think he was going to do with that?  Put it in his pocket? Not to worry, he ignored it completely and either it's currently (20 plus years on) growing a nice set of parsley or the mailman took a fancy to it and never delivered it. I'm going to put that on the list of gifts not to give.

This one time...I got nothing.  And then it happened again.  And again.  Times many times.

This year I got crafty and made my nieces some heartfelt gifts.  This happened:

1. There was too much glue...
2. I put moss in and realized after posting it that it might not make it through customs**. 
3. Shit would not stick down.  Throwing it across the room also did not help.
4. Decided there was not much I could do about (1) so just threw sparkly stuff at glue and whatever was still standing when the dust settled, made the grade
5. 2 minutes in...got bored.
6. 4 minutes in...ate the chocolates I bought for them
7. 10 minutes in...realized problem was I was attempting to craft without wine.
8. 1 hour later...should not have crafted with wine.  Accidentally bedazzled my yoga pants...and cat, bleeding and can no longer see creative vision.  Or anything else much...

Don't look too closely...

Girls love sparkly things.  Note: Not edible.  Tried.

*Is too a word. 
**Apparently made it through customs and I am very sorry, New Zealand, for introducing a dangerous moss that is about to bring down our entire agricultural system. 

A Short Story

One time last week I went to a charity art show. It was very bad so I went to a bar and had sangria which was very good.

The End.

Want another one?

Last week I went to yoga and while I was in a pose, my yoga instructor complimented my on my style.  He said my breathing was outstanding.  Which was good because I felt it was a bit sub-par and was thinking of stopping.  Gave me the confidence to go on.

The End. 

Ok, last one.  It's a photo story

 Albert was given a gift.  He immediately started playing with it.  This is why he can't have nice things.

Pole Dancing

I took up pole dancing some time ago - and let me be clear, this is pole dancing for fitness. I think anyone that knows me, knows that my natural grace does not lend itself to pole dancing as a stripper and making actual money off of it. I have a lot of respect for them, pole dancing is very painful - at best I can manage a grimace on my face, smiling is out of the question and I'm going to need $100's not $1's to cover my medical bills and skin grafts. Do you know that as you slide down the pole upside down, holding on with only your legs, you're leaving bits of your skin behind and enough DNA to convince anyone that you were the murderer*?

In class, I was taught the basic spins - fireman, chair, carousel, back hook and walking.  Am still working on walking.  None of those posed much bodily risk and I was much ridiculed for wearing my cycling helmet.  But...safety first.

As we progressed to climbing**, hanging upside down and doing spins with one hand, I asked for a safety net. They don't do safety nets. Also they need me to climb a little higher than 10" off the floor.  But, I know my limits...one time I stubbed my toe so I was out of commission for several weeks.  Pole dancing is very dangerous...

I eventually decided that I was so good*** that I would buy my own pole and install it in my house.  So I moved my dining room table to the spare room and put my pole up. Well, I watched the YouTube how-to video, put the pole up, pole fell down, cried. Then phoned a friend who put it up for me. And I loved it. I practiced almost every day**** and at one point while skyping with my parents, set the computer up so they could see my moves. How many of you can say that while skyping with your parents, you showed them the butterfly pole move? And then I moved on to showing my nieces...and left my brother to explain why Auntie Gherkin has a fireman's pole in her house.

*I didn't do it.
**And substantial bruising
***Situation over-estimation.
****Negligible improvement

Do you have what it takes?

How To Ride A Horse

I have ridden a horse three times in my life. So am very good at it. The first time, my brother and I rode horses called Mr Muldoon and Annie and we were probably about 6 and 7. We sat on their backs while they were led a couple of times around a fenced area, then called it good and got off. Didn't think I needed to go more than a couple of times, clearly I had mastered horse riding immediately.

My third time was for a bachelorette party and went without incident. Probably because I am so good at it.

However, my second time is where all the action happened. As part of a fun school excursion, we got to ride horses for half the day and then hang* off the sides of a 4 wheel drive SUV while it spun around in the mud. I'm not sure what that's called. Other than dangerous.  But back to the horse riding.  Here's what not to do:

1. Pretend to the instructors that you have ridden a horse many times by using some horsey lingo* so that when you reach a clear open space and they tell all the "experienced " riders that they can let them go for a gallop, you have no choice but to go...
2. Get off.  While horse is traveling at speed.  However, I was kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place - whilst on said gallop***, horse veered towards a fence and clearly had intentions of jumping it.  While my equestrian skills were certainly masterful, jumping was not something I had undertaken.  So I got off.
3. Get on.

*When I say hang, I mean hang, they had bars around the top that you held onto. Just a bunch of teenagers, hanging off all sides of the SUV. While it spun around. At speed.
**Might have gone something like this "Yeah, I was riding this morning so my jodphurs are in the wash. I have an Arabian, bred him myself (not entirely credible), just put the bit in so he wouldn't bolt after breeching and branding him. Did a bit of dressage...
***Immediately when horse took off, I suspected this might have been a terrible mistake.  Especially when I realized, I didn't know where the brakes were and yelling "stop" didn't work.

When Hello Kitty Goes Too Far...

If you have any of these, we can't be friends.

If you're old enough to drive, you are too old to accessorize your car like this. 

Just what every vodka bottle needs...a nipple

Well this turned out well...

Hello Kitty House - safe to say, probably still single...

If you must shoot...shoot Hello Kitty...

And when I die, please bury me in a Hello Kitty coffin.  Said everyone.

Hello Kitty dentistry - done by actual dentist, not actual Hello Kitty.  Who has no dental degree.

Saving Animals

You know when you're little and you want to save everything? A bird flies into the window, you rush out and put into a container with tissues, wrap it up and keep it warm with a bottle cap of water. And it lies there with its little neck broken, screaming inside "put me out of my misery" and you happily make it a little jacket and some flying goggles so it will see better next time. And then you put it into the hot water cupboard* and check on it every ten minutes to see if it was up and awake from its coma.  

After a couple of hours of waiting for it to move again, you'd take it outside, throw it in the air and encourage it to fly, fly away.  And it it would drop to the ground like a lead balloon and finally you would realize the futility of it so you would have a funeral and all of a sudden, there are a dozen small mounds in the back yard with dandelions artfully arranged across the top**.


Then there were the baby possums that you saved after the mothers died*** by pulling them out of the pouches and sticking them in a box with an old sweater and trying to feed them milk with an eye dropper.  Not knowing if they drank milk, or at least cow milk, but feeling heroic, virtuous and like you were rearing the next big thing in possums.  Then the possum would crawl out when you weren't looking, slip into the sweater and head back to the farm so it could show the other baby possums the latest in possum sweaters.

And then there was the time you saved a baby lamb and put that in the hot water cupboard.  That was a nice surprise for Mum.  But you didn't do that again...

*I don't know if America has these, haven't seen one yet. Basically an airing cupboard that contains a water heater. Growing up, Mum would put the line-dried clothes on the shelves in there to air them out and then tell us to take them upstairs to our room. And it took days to get them there. I'd put the clothes on the stairs first and then walk by them for a couple of days, then move them up a couple of steps and then eventually throw them on my floor.
**And no bird because the cat dug it up, brought it inside and tried to pass it off as it's own kill and you feel like the poor thing will never be laid to rest...
***Cause of death unknown but given that they are pests, I'm going to take a wild guess and say that there were suspicious circumstances

Things I Might Do For A Year...But Probably Not...

I was talking to my trainer yesterday and he mentioned that the way to make money is to do something for a year and write a book about it. So, I am going to do something for a year, write a book about it, you will all buy it (and the rest of the world), I will make a lot of money and then do nothing for many years. Just have to figure out what to do, have come up with the following options so feel free to weigh in on them. Whatever gets the most feedback, is the winner and I’ll start my year of whatever it is. Soon. Ish*.

1. Get married for a year**
2. Have a baby for a year***
3. Not eat cake for a year****
4. Live on a farm for a year. Let’s be clear, I’m just going to live there, I’m not going to brand cows, milk cows, fix fences, dock sheep, shear sheep or do anything with anything that smells bad. And someone is going to need to pay me.
5. Share my house with a stranger for a year. Who will pay me. And think themselves lucky. Pretty sure I am a joy to live with. Just not in the mornings, parts of the evening and during the day. 11:00am is good for about 20 minutes. On a good day.
6. No shopping for dresses, shoes or handbags for a year*****
7. Not breathing for a year. Think this has some flaws. Probably math involved.
8. Live underwater for a year. To see if I am a Mermaid. Unless someone wants to build me an underwater house. You’ll need a lot of caulk.
9. Travel for a year. Someone pick this. And pay for this. I’ll be your best friend******.
10. Drink excessively every day for a year

Thankfully I don’t have to pick exercise every day for a year or eat healthy every day for a year since some other people have that covered.

This is quite hard to think of things, there’s a lot of stuff I think I’m supposed to be doing already that popped into my head. Shower every day for a year, be nice to old people every day for a year, have a stupid positive attitude every day for a year, utilize my time effectively every day for a year etc…

*I may or may not do this. Am very fickle. Also I have to write a book at the end so seems like a lot of effort already…
**I’m going to need some volunteers on this one. Meet me in Vegas
***Logistically speaking, I don’t know how this is going to work. Pretty sure I can’t be pregnant for a year. So do I have someone give me their baby for the year to look after or do I get knocked up and then write after I’ve had the baby out of me for a year. Already this is more complicated than I had anticipated. Is everyone cool with Albert babysitting the baby while I’m at work?
****Any of your bastards pick this and you will not be getting a Xmas card this year.
*****See note on cake. I don’t have a problem. I need that stuff. To survive.
******For those that I am already being their best friends for other favors, sorry, going to have to drop you…

Sky Mall

Every time I fly somewhere, I look forward to the SkyMall magazine and all the incredible things that I can't possibly live my life without. Luckily there is the shopping channel for when I am at home.  Below is everything that you need to live a long and happy life.

• Skin tag and mole remover. I just don't understand how this works.  Skin tags and moles will fall off after regular application?  Where will they go? Will I wake up in a sea of moley, skin taggy things?  What if I'm on a date* and a mole drops on to the table?  How do I explain that? On a side note, a very good friend of mine once removed his own skin tag to impress a girl.  There was a lot of blood.  Then he made it in to a necklace and wore it for a while.  If you thought that couldn't get worse.  Surprise.  He cooked it.  And ate it.  But seasoned it well first.  I don't know how impressed she was but they got married anyway...

*I know. Unlikely. But so are skin tags and moles falling off your body...

•  Who here doesn't want to shower under a strobe light?  Apparently it creates a spa-like environment.  Who here has been to a spa where the lights are different colored LED's that cycle through while you're receiving a relaxing massage?  Cos that sounds ideal... 

• Now here's three things you had no idea you wanted to combine - bidet sprayer*, digital accessory caddy and toilet paper stand. God forbid you should get one of them confused.

*Apparently this is easily installed in a few minutes - suspect it plugs into the tank which just doesn't sound sanitary.  I mean that's why bidet's are separate from toilets, isn't it?

•  I don't even know if this works.  I just know that my circulation would start working on its own to spare my legs the embarrassment of this contraption.

At a pinch I would put same colored heels on with this and pretend they were thigh high boots.  I think I could make this a thing...

• GuitDoorbell - an acoustic guitar that gets strummed every time the door is opened. And if you're really lucky, it'll fall on your head and both of you will make sound...your sound will sound like f&%$

•  Human Slingshot: I think this is good clean fun until someone tries to modify it.  Like me. Let's get this thing off the ground and up in the air.  No, I don't know the logistics required to do that, I just want to shoot someone out of this from a great height and see what happens.  It's all fun and games until someone's leg falls off...

• Magic Benefit Panty - apparently it will fill out your jeans for you.  And enhance your bottom naturally.  Padding is apparently natural. I have some available arse that I'd like to donate if someone needs it...

When Things Get Hard...I Come Up With Solutions

• "Check Engine" light came on in my car. I tried driving around and wiggling the car in a zigzag-like way, in case the recent oil change shook something loose and made the light come on*. Didn't work. Just going to buy a new car instead.
• Timer on dryer doesn't work. Just stopped using dryer. Put clothes in spare room and turned heat on high.
• Plant died. Left it there as warning to other plants not to step out of line.
• Hem fell down on dress. Gave it to Goodwill.
• Cat lost his eye. Let him keep the other one.
• No eggs left in the fridge.  Went without**
• Got leg stuck in aerial silk class.  Hung casually upside down as if no big deal. Tried to look like I was meant to be there, which meant refusing offer of help to get down. I'm going to need someone to bring me a snack.
• My teeth fell out in someone's ear***. 

I know, I know - this just had such a favorable response that I'm trying to work it into every post...

Basically, I don't care whether the glass is half full or half empty, I just want there to be wine in it.

*Hey - it could happen.
**And by without, I mean, drove to cafe and made them cook me eggs.
***I actually have no solution for this. Everybody loses. Except me cos lots of people want to look at this and I think that means - "cash cow"!

Graffiti

I did this*.

*Actually no. But it was my idea**
**Actually, also not true***
***But I wish I had done it. This is true.

Here is some more of my street art...

Fine - all you sticklers for the truth. Not mine but below is a pretty good rendition. And I did it with my eyes closed. But, you can't even tell. I challenge you to pick the original...